


At Dawn

by Cacoethes (EvenEcho)



Category: Marvel (Comics), Marvel 616, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, BAMF Laura Barton, BAMF Natasha Romanov, Bottom Winter Soldier - if we ever get to sex which Im not sure about yet, But the Winter Soldier is NOT Bucky, Character Bashing, Civil War Team Iron Man, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, I can't believe I just seriously said 'soft winter soldier', M/M, Minor Bruce Banner/Thor, Minor Carol Danvers/James "Rhodey" Rhodes, Multi, Not Clint Friendly, Not Steve Friendly, Not Wanda Friendly, Not as slow of a burn as I thought it would be, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Protective Laura Barton, Protective Natasha Romanov, Protective Tony Stark, Rocket and Winter are friends, Soft Winter Soldier, Team as Family, Top Tony Stark, Totally different sorta, Winter Soldier Learning how to be a person, Winter Soldier and James Barnes are different people, Winter Soldier as a Separate Personality, Winter Soldier's Own Body, also, but I want to see how the relationship affects things, but that's what's up, dont expect team cap to have a happy ending though, everyone does and all the characters got a life full of shit that they didn't need, no beta we die like men, none of that to be found here, not Bucky Friendly, so much fluff!, they deserve happiness!!, they deserve to be happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-31
Updated: 2020-03-04
Packaged: 2020-06-28 07:26:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 58,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19807525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EvenEcho/pseuds/Cacoethes
Summary: The Winter Soldier was created to take the pain of the HYDRA's torture. He wasn't meant to stick around after James goes free, but he does.Winter, though, wants to learn. James told him that killing people was a wrong, but why? He told him that he was a monster, but how? What made him bad? Why was he evil if he protected James? If he took the pain from The Chair, if he took over so that James didn't have to kill people?At this point, Winter is more afraid of James - is more hurt by James - than James is of him. Winter is trying to learn, trying to grow, but he doesn't stand a chance when he's stuck in James' body. When he's stuck around people who can't stand him, people who think he'd go out and kill babies or worse if he was ever to go free.One morning, Bucky gets a surprise visit from one Stephen Strange with an offer to separate their mind, Bucky was on board. He wanted Winter to just go away and leave him alone as he tried to get back to a normal life with Stevie. But then he, Winter, gets his own body, is picked up by Tony Stark, and protected by the entirety of the rest of the compound, three of the four residential wings. So what now?Winter just wants love.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, I have two other fanfictions I could be working on and instead of that, I came up with this. Probably not the best idea to start so many projects, but what's done is done. Updates will be slow, but hopefully what's posted will be satisfying enough to want to read more even if it is a while before it's updated again.

Winter, for all the strength he offered, really did hurt. James, the body and the person who claims his life ruined because of him, didn’t know what Winter took so he didn’t have to. When The Chair would start, it would send James back, allow him to retreat, and Winter would take the pain. James was a person, he had a life before everything, and he hoped for a life after. Winter was forged like any weapon, through heat, pain, and a plan. He did not have a life before, and he wasn’t foolish enough to allow hope to cloud his judgement. 

Cold. That was what James called him. Because he didn’t hope for better. Because he accepted that perhaps HYDRA was the best he was going to get. He was a weapon, and what use was a weapon without a hand to guide him? But then, James was pulled forward, and James decided he wanted to run. It was when they fought with Rogers. ‘Little Stevie’ is what James called him. Winter called him impractical, inefficient, unreasonable, and stupid. James argued vehemently with him, because ‘Little Stevie’ was none of those things, and then they were caught, and like James did, he sunk back, and Winter took the punishment for him. 

At first, Winter didn’t have the authority or ability to understand that James didn’t treat him well. He didn’t even realize HYDRA didn’t treat him well until James started screaming in his head. He had been fighting, training, and then James started to scream and he collapsed because it hurt so much more than the electricity. Or at least that was how it felt until he was punished for his outburst. He realized that James didn’t hurt nearly as much as he did physically. 

Mentally, he learned, from James, that killing people was wrong. He wasn’t permitted to ask questions of his handlers. So James answered all of his questions. The few he had then, at least. 

_ Why is it wrong to kill people? _

“Because it just is. That’s why.” 

_ Why do they want me to kill people then?  _

“Because they’re evil. You have to leave them. You’ve gotta get out of here. Get  _ us _ out of here!” 

When Winter tried to escape, that time, he had been caught. He didn’t want to admit it to James, but he was more scared of whatever happened outside in the world than the punishment, despite the pain. He didn’t know how things worked. He wanted to learn, yes, but he didn’t have the opportunity and even if James thought he didn’t feel emotions, he was scared.  _ Absolutely terrified _ . And when James struggled and went free, he was sad because he was no longer needed. 

But he was brought back, and this time, he almost killed ‘Little Stevie’ before James pulled their body back into his control. James dragged Rogers out of the water and he left. 

It wasn’t until Romania when he was called on again. James had been living, and Winter had been learning everything he could. However, now that Winter was no longer needed to protect him, James didn’t answer his questions, and he often told Winter that he needed to leave. And it hurt because Winter loved James. At least he was sure it was love. He was dependent, yes, but he did want to keep him safe, make sure he was cared for to the best of his ability, but James didn’t feel similarly. Now that the Winter Soldier was ‘dead,’ he needed to disappear and let James live a normal life again. It hurt that James didn’t want him around after what Winter had done for him. And the lack of repayment for what he had done wasn’t the only thing that hurt. The fact that he was the only person to ever care about him, even if it wasn’t entirely genuine… it hurt, the overwhelming feeling of hatred directed at him from James. 

He tried to keep it from hurting him. But, James’ opinions held great weight to him, and so he learned how it felt to be truly, absolutely resented and loathed for something he didn’t know how to fix. Then, James wouldn’t allow him to fight, to protect them. James didn’t want him out, he told Winter that he was dangerous, and evil, and he couldn’t be around other people. But he had been stuck into a box and the not-therapist had said The Words. They hadn’t been used since he was created - he was almost always out, so there was really no need for the words. His very foundation, he thought, was tied to them. 

James was pushed back, and now it Winter’s turn to try and escape. He tried to not kill people. James said that was bad, and he didn’t want James to hate him anymore, so he wouldn’t kill anyone. But… James came back. Forced him out of the ‘drivers’ seat’ as it were. 

“Don’t come back!” James told him. He didn’t know what he had done so wrong. He killed people, but he didn’t know it was bad until much later. He still didn’t really understand. “It’s because you’re a monster. You’re just a horrible nightmare that I can’t wake up from!” 

He believed James. James truly felt that, and Winter started to feel so horribly guilty for having forced his presence on James. He forgot all the good he had done for James, how he protected him. No, that paled in comparison to all the horror he brought forth. 

Then, there was more fighting. James didn’t know how to fight, not like he did. He begged to be let out, to just help him, but James pushed him down. If he didn’t believe he existed, then was he still real? 

Siberia… Winter wanted out. He wanted to be out this time, but James denied him until after their arm was blown off. James retreated, it was too painful for him, and Winter reacted badly. He punched, and he kicked, and he fought because what else could he do? Rogers held him up. 

“I’m glad you’re alright, Buck. Let’s get you somewhere safe.” Rogers had said. Winter didn’t react well to that either, he pushed Rogers back and looked around. He ran back for the building. No, no, no, he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t do it and James would hate him, but he  _ couldn’t _ . He needed them, he was nothing without someone to guide him. That’s the only reason why he existed! 

He fought the cat man this time, but he was slapped with something. It attached to his neck and shocked him. That sent him to the ground. It wasn’t as painful as he had in the past, but that on top of the pain in his arm, where his raw nerves were being assaulted constantly, was enough to take him down. Rogers grabbed him, and James took over this time. 

They blamed the Winter Soldier for the fight. They all blamed him. But he hadn’t started the fight, he hadn’t been the one who wanted to win. 

_ James _ wanted to _ win _ . 

_ Winter _ wanted to  _ survive _ . 

He watched James live and interact, as if he were in the passenger seat of a car. He couldn’t control anything, but he could see and hear. He couldn’t feel what happened to James, but he could imagine how it felt. He could extract the adjectives James used to describe these sensations, or how he recalled them. James, though, was dead set on getting rid of him. Because he didn’t need Winter anymore, and he had never wanted Winter to begin with - if only he knew what Winter had suffered for him. 

Princess Shuri of Wakanda took over his care. She was a scientist. She took scans of him, and other doctors assisted her. She was still a child, after all. James was interacting with her. Polite conversation. Winter was cataloguing threats, weapons, and exits. 

“There’s something odd happening in your brain, but I’m sure we can fix that when we rid of the trigger words,” she said, looking at a tablet-like object that was near completely translucent. “We will begin working on technology to assist. What would you like to do until then?” 

James asked to be put back into cryo. Winter was struggling, fighting, trying to stop him from allowing them to do this. He didn’t want to go back to the darkness. It was nothing, and he didn’t want to be deprived of what he had seen happen for James. He wanted relationships with people, he wanted friends, he wanted to learn, he wanted a teacher, he wanted lots of things. He hadn’t been able to really want anything before, but he certainly had things he  _ didn’t _ want. Cryo was one of them. 

They slid a needle into his arm, and James was put down. He was peacefully unaware. Winter took control and pulled away. 

“ _ Nyet, nyet, nyet! Nye nado! Nyet _ (No! No, no! Don’t do this! No!) _! _ ” He struggled, and new people flooded the room. They grabbed his arms and held him down. They were strong, and he didn’t want to hurt anyone, he just wanted to be released. “ _ Pozhaluysta, nye nado _ (please, don’t do this) _. _ ” And then he was gone. 

***

Eight months later, they defrost them. James was happy, and after they send him through a program, a four month program, they claimed he was free of The Words and their control. Winter knows this, and can feel the change. They also said that the Winter Soldier was dead. But he wasn’t. Winter still existed, yet he could no longer speak with James. There was a disconnect which only made his time with James even more uncomfortable because there was no input, and absolutely nothing he could do to take charge of the body while James was awake. 

But when James was asleep, he was presented with the chance to use the body. The first night he stayed in the room he had been given. James went to sleep in the lush bed, but it was  _ too much _ for Winter, and he moved around the room. He looked through everything. He found the cameras in the room, and turned them. (He continued to turn them every night, since they reset their position in the morning.) He found no microphones, but he wasn’t sure he could even bring himself to speak verbally in English. He hadn’t spoken it before, hadn’t really needed to. He could understand it, but could his mouth move like that? 

He found a comfortable and secure place in the towel closet in the bathroom attached to the room. The towels weren’t coarse but they weren’t overly soft, they were perfect. He fell asleep, curled up in a position that would likely leave most men, especially as old as James technically was, aching or hospitalized. If he minimized his surface area, there were less likely to be hit, and if he shielded his vital organs, he was less likely to die from any attack as well. 

Winter went to ‘sleep’. He didn’t actually sleep, not like James, but he did rest. He could ‘daydream’ and think of all the things he wanted to do and learn. He wanted to work on English, so he could speak to people, if he ever got the chance. He wanted to learn about the Princess’ computers. They were huge, they didn’t look like the computers he had seen in his victims’ homes, or even in the HYDRA labs, they were so new, so nice! He wanted to know about the world around him, whereas James was perfectly content to stay with Rogers and the past. 

He wanted to have someone like Rogers. Someone who would be there, someone dedicated, someone he would kill for, someone that would kill for him, someone he would take bullets for, and vice versa. He wanted a bond like that. 

The next morning, he felt the horrible shift from being in control to being forced back. James panicked and Rogers found him and pulled him out from where he had been. James wrapped his arm around Rogers and pressed against him. 

“Something’s wrong. I didn’t fall asleep here. I didn’t wake up. I don’t remember moving. Something’s  _ wrong _ .” 

“We’ll see if the Princess can help.” 

The Princess told them about the odd occurance she thought the removal of the trigger words would also remove. It was a second consciousness in the form of a whole new set of brainwaves. It thought independent of James. That was Winter. That was him. Even when the Princess asked if she could speak to the other consciousness, he couldn’t get out. James had him caged and unable to present. The Princess told him that if the other personality decided to come forward, that it needed to be approached with caution, but if it wasn’t hostile, then it shouldn’t be treated as such. Winter wanted to thank her. He heard James agree, but he could tell that James was lying. James was trying to find him, but he couldn’t, and instead of trying to find him and speak with him, he let him know that he thought he was a monster. A monster that should have been destroyed. 

Only three months into James’ (after the eight months of sleep and four months of treatment) stay at the villa with the ‘ex-Avengers,’ Rogers announced that they had been pardoned, and would be returning to America. The United States of America. They would be staying with Tony Stark. Winter panicked. Rogers and James spent the last few days together, and James would seek further affection with Rogers. It left Winter uncomfortable. He couldn’t just look away, he didn’t know how to turn off his existence, but when James was having sexual relations with Rogers, well, Winter wanted to be elsewhere. Far, far away from James and Rogers. And at the same time, he felt so wrong because he wanted not the sex part, but the part that came afterward, the part where Rogers and James would rest together and hold onto each other. They loved each other. It was different than how Winter loved James. In fact, Winter was, upon learning new information about love and sex, uncertain he really loved James at all. Maybe it was all just him trying to ‘cope.’ (Wilson and Rogers argued whether James had coped, and that’s where he came from but he should be gone now that James no longer needed him, or if he was actually a monster created and implanted by the cruel scientists of HYDRA.) 

James was set up on a quinjet to America. The other people were there. Natalia, a Black Widow, had come to collect them. She looked at James with disdain, and introduced herself. She slowly changed when she seemed to realize that James wasn’t Winter. She grew far colder, and the fake friendliness she maintained in their presence seemed to be believed by all the others on the aircraft. And while James believed her facade, Winter didn’t. He could see how much she didn’t like them, how much she hated them. 

“Tasha? I think we should keep Bucky away from Tony, just, ya know? The Winter Soldier, well… he’s still there, and he hasn’t hurt anyone, yet. But that doesn’t mean he won’t try anything. Maybe it’s best we don’t let them close just in case.” Natalia looked at Rogers and smiled. That was fake too. 

“That makes sense. Good idea, Cap. FRIDAY will let Tony know.” 

“Thanks.” 

“You’re welcome,” she turned back to flying the jet. 

On the first night, she knocked on his bedroom door. It was Winter who answered. James had fallen asleep hours before. He got up and opened the door. He had checked the room, and there was nothing, not even a camera. He tried to come across like James would, but a second into the charade, he knew she knew, and relaxed. 

“You’re not James?” 

“ _ Nyet _ .” 

“Good. May I come in?” He looked her over for a moment. She had weapons on her, he could see a few, and he was sure there were others he couldn’t see. He stepped to the side, and she walked in. He shut the door behind her. She crossed her arms over her chest and he did the same. “They said you prowl the halls and kill infants while you’re out. Just waiting for an opportunity?” 

“I…,” he paused and thought how he wanted to say this, “have never done the, um,  _ uzhasnyye veshchi _ (horrible things). I stay to myself. They…  _ nye nravylus’  _ (don’t like me),  _ ya znayu navernyaka _ (I am sure of this/I know this for sure). I do not  _ obshchat’sya _ (interact/communicate)... with them, because they think I am… a monster.  _ Dazhe _ (even) James.”

“I don’t agree with them at all,” her stance changed. She still held her arms across her chest, but it was less tense. Still ready to fight should she be required to. “I think you’re scared.” He didn’t know how to respond. “I think you’re not sure what to do with yourself. You probably _ think _ you’re a monster like they say you are, but you’re  _ not _ . I know you don’t have anything, so here’s a gift,” a phone slipped from her sleeve and she extended it out to him. He looked it over and hesitantly took it. “My number is in there. Hold the side button to turn it off. FRIDAY will charge it from there. This was built for you specifically. My number isn’t the only number in there.” 

He swiped the screen and went into the contacts. There was Natalia, but there were other numbers as well. Numbers he didn’t know, with names he didn’t recognize. Well, he did, but not as people. They were animal names. Who was “лось (los’ - moose)”? Or “сова (sova - owl)”? 

“You don’t need their names, but know that they got to choose the animals, well, most of them. Anyone of them can offer you support if you need it. And me, of course.” 

He knows he knows English, he can understand it, but he doesn’t trust himself to communicate what he wanted despite his knowledge. He was comfortable enough to accidentally say the wrong thing. He didn’t want anyone to be angry with him for making mistakes. He has made so many mistakes. 

“Why?” She looked confused. “Why help me? I…  _ hurt _ you. I hurt everyone.” 

“Because no matter what they tell you, you’re not a monster. You’re a person. Tony got the scans, you’re a person, and you deserve to have a life too, even if you have to share it in Bucky’s body,” she got closer, and he took a step back, she stepped closer again, holding her arms up defensively. “May I share something very comforting with you?” He took a moment before he nodded. She came closer, and he tensed when she wrapped her arms around him. This was a hug. She was giving him a hug.  _ Him _ . Not James. 

“May I?” He asked. She nodded and he wrapped his arm around her. This was nice. She pulled back a moment later. 

“We’re here for you. James and the others aren’t being very humble or kind right now. They’re making everyone upset, but you’re not here because you want to be, you’re here because you’re stuck with him.” 

“He hates me,” he said. “He hates me  _ tak mnogo _ (so much). He wants me gone. I feel bad because I ruin his life. I feel worse because I don’t want to go. I don’t want to…  _ umeret’  _ (die). I want to be a person too.” 

“And you can. You can be a person and do anything you want, within reason.” 

She left soon after that. He shut the door behind her and locked it. He slid into the closet. It was a walk-in-closet, and it was larger than he would like, but he got tucked in the corner and pulled the new clothes bought for James around so he was sufficiently hidden. He looked at the phone. He had an open way to contact people now. People who Natalia said wanted to support him. To help him. He sent a ‘thank you’ to everyone before tucking the phone in his lap. This was what it felt like to get a gift. It was really nice. He liked gifts. 

He also realized that this was  _ his _ possession. It was something that wasn’t James’, it was just his. Only him. It had never occurred to him how important it was to have something like this, but he decided he really, really enjoyed it. He felt like he could do more, that he could grow more, that James wouldn’t have to be his only person. That other people didn’t think he was a monster. He got a reply from “пчела (pchela - bee)” first. 

_ Pchela: glad you like it c;  _

It was soon after that he received more messages. Mostly saying a similar thing. He received messages from  _ pchela _ and “львица (l’vitsa - lioness)”. 

_ Pchela: if you need or want anything else, just let me or someone know. We’ve got the hookups to get you nice stuff :3 _

Winter wasn’t sure how to reply, so he just left it. He didn’t need anything else, and he didn’t want anything that could be bought. Well, a knife would be nice, he was surrounded by threats who may attack at any wrong move, it would be nice to defend himself, to at least feel safe. He wanted a new arm, but he knew James wouldn’t accept one, especially not if it was metal. It would have to be a ‘normal’ prosthetic arm. James was particular like that. 

_ L’vitsa: Please know that I will help you no matter the time. If you need a hug, you’ll get a million hugs from me. Try to get some rest, sweetheart. _

And like  _ Pchela’s _ message, he didn’t know how to respond, so he didn’t. He asked FRIDAY, the woman in the walls, to help him with finding images. He looked at pictures of kittens and bunnies for the rest of the night. He saved many of them. They looked so small, and cute, and happy. He wanted to take care of something small, cute, and happy. But he could feel James’ start to grow restless, so he turned the phone off and hid it in the boxspring of the bed before getting under the covers. They still made him feel too plush, he needed some familiarity, everything was so different so fast. His head was spinning. He closed his eyes and let James start to rise. And as he always did, he faded back into the body. A passenger to this entire ride, except he had no option but to stay. It’s not like he could get his own body. 

Not without a miracle. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Winter's miracle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I forgot to mention that, in the first chapter, that Russian isn't entirely correct, or I don't think it is because I'm still learning and I've only been learning for a few months, like five months, so yeah. 
> 
> Second, I thought I should have posted this with the first chapter because it's sort of a continuation of the true beginning, but that's alright because I decided to post it now and it's not been too long since the first chapter was posted. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who commented and kudos and whatever else because it really does keep me writing. A system of positive rewards for what I do would make finding motivation so much easier. Anyway, I hope you like this chapter. There are probably typos in all of these, chapters because I don't always have the attention span to go over them with a fine-tooth comb and make sure they're perfect so they're definitely far from 'perfect'.

It turned out that a ‘miracle’ was a message to  _ Pchela _ away. One night (three months into living at the Avengers Compound, six months of being severed from James), he mentioned how much James hated him.  _ Pchela _ had been quick to tell him that he was wonderful, and that he deserved a chance. They had all been saying similar things. He wondered if it was real or not. He really hoped it was real. 

A new number was added to his phone the next night. It was “дикобраз (dikobraz - porcupine)”. 

_ Dikobraz: I hear you need a miracle. Be expecting a visit tomorrow. You’ll be getting your miracle.  _

That was the entire message, and he didn’t reply. He didn’t know what to say, and he had been getting much better at learning how to usually respond to people. 

How would he respond to someone offering a miracle? He was going to be expecting the visit, and hopefully James wouldn’t be against the idea of getting him a body of his own. He’d probably be thrilled to not have to deal with Winter anymore. He wouldn’t have to be stuck with ‘the monster in [his] head’. 

Winter went between being pleased that he would be free, and being terrified because he wouldn’t know where to go or what to do when he had his own body. Or at least until James woke. He enjoyed his friends, he dared to call them friends, he cared for them even though he hadn’t met with them in person, but would they really want someone dangerous like him living with them.  _ L’vitsa _ had children! He couldn’t be around children. What if he hurt them? He wanted small, cute things to take care of and make happy, but children weren’t something he knew how to handle. The Red Room was different, he was training agents, not children. But  _ L’vitsa _ had actual, little, tiny, small, itty-bitty baby humans living with her. They were fragile, too fragile for him to be around. And he was scared he would accidentally hurt them.

Beside the possibility of being around children, that means he would meet the people he was talking to in person. What if they didn’t like him when he got a body. What if…  _ Pchela _ was fond of him, or at least he assumed he was fond of him. He wasn’t sure if  _ Pchela _ was really a male or not - it wasn’t like he knew these sorts of things, since he didn’t know who it was. He tried to reason it was a female because bees were mostly female, but he wasn’t sure because he didn’t sound like Natalia at all. But he,  _ Pchela _ , was very kind to him, and made lots of jokes. Jokes that he sometimes explained because Winter didn’t understand them. He would send him videos of cute animals doing cute things, or when he was upset, Winter tried to offer him the same comfort. It was… he knew Natalia. But  _ Pchela _ was a mystery that he adored. A mystery he wanted more of, but what if he got his own body and everything got all messed up? What if  _ L’vitsa _ decided that he shouldn’t be around the kids. What if she decided he wasn’t worth it anymore. He didn’t want to lose these people if they meet him and realize how horrible he could be. 

He silently panicked in the bed he knew James would need to wake in. He was more scared of having his own body than he thought he would be. He never thought it possible, but he didn’t realize how… he didn’t know what would happen, and that felt worse than anything inflicted that wasn’t a surprise. 

James got up and out of bed. He got dressed and stumbled out of his room to the kitchen where he wrapped his arm around Rogers and leaned against his back. 

“Sleepy?” Rogers asked with a soft laugh. 

“I feel like I could sleep for a million years,” James said. He yawned and smashed his cheek against Rogers’ spine. “Can I have a sip of your coffee?” 

“I’ll make you a cup of your own, but until then,” Rogers held out the mug, and James pulled back to take it. He sipped it and made a face. From what he knew, James didn’t like coffee too much, but it had a purpose, so despite it being unpleasant, he needed it. He wasn’t sure what to call that. A dependent relationship like he and James had, maybe? “You want something to eat?” Rogers guided James to the table and they sat down. It was a small table, meant for morning things like this, or so Rogers said. They had a large dining area for the whole team. 

“What’re you offering?” 

“Eggs, toast, bacon… anything else you want.” 

“Yes.” 

Rogers kissed James’ cheek before he went about getting things ready. He turned on the stove and went to cook things. He had the bread out, but he had yet to toast it. James drank his coffee and yawned every few minutes. He seemed tired, even though Winter didn’t know why that would be. James had slept through the night, he knew this because he had been up all night. The body couldn’t be tired, since James was the one who was resting, right? He tried not to think about possibly being the reason that James was tired. It hadn’t happened before, but maybe it had accumulated and now James was left exhausted? He rested most nights, he shouldn’t be that tired. It was probably just a normal person thing. 

James was eating eggs, or more accurately - shoving them into his mouth in heaping spoonfuls, and staring at the other side of the kitchen. That’s when from behind him, Winter felt something happen. James didn’t react, he probably didn’t realize, but Rogers, who sat beside James, turned to look. Whatever he saw made his eyes go wide and his jaw drop slightly. 

“Hey, Buck?” Rogers didn’t look away from whatever it was that was behind them. 

“Yeah?” 

“Is there a monk in our kitchen?” James was confused, and then he looked to Rogers, then he followed his eyes and turned to see the man. There was an orange ring behind them that showed the inside of a different room. James laughed for a moment and then he frowned. He was confused, Winter could feel it. 

“I’m here as repayment for a favour. Sergeant Barnes, my  _ colleague _ and I have stayed up to try and find a way to separate you and the other being inside you. I believe I have found a way. There is a ninety-six percent chance you will be successfully separated.” James was thrilled. 

“When can we do it? Can we do it now?” 

“Yes. If you would follow me, we can go to the containment area for the separation.” 

“Can Stevie come with me?” This man, maybe  _ Dikobraz _ , looked at Rogers and rolled his eyes before nodding. James was standing a moment later, and followed the man through the portal, his hand held in Rogers’ own. They were in a large glass cage, like a fishbowl, and Rogers jumped to accuse this man of something foul. Winter realized that Rogers jumped to the wrong conclusions often. The man didn’t mind and in another circular portal (whas it a portal?) he was outside the cage. 

“Please, Mr. Rogers, everything will be fine. Now, would you please step to the side so I can separate them.” 

Rogers kissed James’ cheek, again, and then his lips before walking to the side. He was ‘pouting’, as he had learned it was called, and Winter thought it was pathetic. Wasn’t this what they wanted? Winter out of James? Didn’t they want him gone? Why did he look so upset over something they all wanted? He didn’t understand. 

There was chanting, and then James was on his knees, he felt pain. It wasn’t the worst he had felt, but it was there. He reached up to hold his chest, closing his eyes. It burned. Then, it stopped. He looked to the left, Rogers was staring at him, and he looked to the right, and James was staring at him. He looked down at his hand. He had his own body. He was flesh and blood. He was really there! He was free. He didn’t anticipate both James and Rogers lunging at him to attack, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t ready to fend them off. He kicked James away, and the man stumbled and fell back against the glass wall. Rogers went to punch him but Winter grabbed his fist and squeezed before managing to pull his knee up, rolling back just a bit to get the leverage he needed to smash his foot against his sternum, successfully kicking him off and away as well. He was on his feet seconds later. He was ready to fight. Disoriented, yes, but now that he had his own body he wasn’t about to just let them destroy it. 

“He’s violent! He needs to be locked away!” 

“Nope,” someone new said. Winter looked at the doorway that must lead to this room. It had stairs, they were beneath the ground, or at least beneath the ground level of the compound. “Hey, kitten. Nice to meet you in person.” 

“Kitten?” Rogers asked. That was Tony Stark in the doorway. Winter moved back. He’d rather fight and kill James and Rogers than have to face Tony Stark. He ruined his life too. He ruins everything for everyone. Stark was coming closer to the cage, but Winter couldn’t move away, he was pressed to the back of the cylinder they were trapped in. The door opened. 

“Rogers, Barnes, get out.” 

“What? What’re you gonna do to him?” James asked. 

“I’m gonna give him what he deserves. Now leave before Strange makes you leave.” The man who made the magic nodded and lifted his arms. Orange symbols wrapped around his hands in a swirling pattern. It was beautiful and terrifying. Winter was scared of magic, he knew how it was, he knew how it could hurt him, and he didn’t know how to stop it. Therefore, it was one of the scariest and most dangerous things out there, because how did he fight a magical attack? 

“Hope you put him in a dark cell somewhere. He’s an abomination,” James held Rogers’ arm. “Let’s go, Stevie.” 

James didn’t look back and neither did Rogers. They walked up the steps and then they were gone. Stark walked into the cell, and he was getting closer and closer. Winter was pulling away, but he couldn’t, physically, get any further away. 

“Don’t listen to them. They’re idiots. You know that better than any of us,” Stark was smiling at him. Stark had called him kitten. Only one person called him kitten. Sometimes it was ‘murder kitten’ but most of the time it had just been ‘kitten’. He had thought it was a ‘pet name’ like the affectionate names that James’ friends called each other. They called Natalia Tasha when she visited, and they called Barton ‘bird-one,’ and Wilson ‘bird-two.’ James called Rogers Stevie or Little Stevie, and Rogers called James Bucky or Jamie, but mostly Bucky. They were affectionate. They were said because they cared for each other. Why would Stark say that then? He hurt him. How could he not hate him? 

“I’m gonna give you two some space. Call me if you need me, Stark.” 

“Will do.” 

The man disappeared in another orange ring. Stark looked at Winter and held a hand out, palm up. 

“Come on, I don’t bite,” Stark smiled, “unless you’re into that, but I don’t think we’re quite there yet. I’m glad I’m finally meeting you in person. Not Barnes. You. I think I liked you better with long hair.” Winter tried to push how uncomfortable he was to the side. Stark wasn’t scared of him, at least he wasn’t acting like it. He wanted to cry and apologize. James cried when he apologized, and Winter felt the soft reasoning why in his mind,  _ because you feel bad for making him feel bad _ . That was his simplified mind, but he didn’t need to know everything. It hadn’t been that long at all since he was finally allowed a bit of freedom compared to how long he had been kept in captivity. 

Winter, instead, reached up to touch his hair. It was buzzed short. 

“I don’t think I like it either. Is it okay if I… grow it out?” What if he said the wrong thing? 

“Of course,” Stark got closer. He was nearly touching Winter. He looked like he wasn’t afraid, but Winter, now that he wasn’t focusing on his own fear, saw the signs in Stark. He was lying, or at least he was trying to make him more comfortable. He realized it was still a lie, but it wasn’t a mean lie. Stark was trying to protect him. Why? “I assume you know who I am, right?” 

“Yes. Anthony Edward Stark, born in nineteen-seventy. Threat level six. Iron Man…  _ pchela _ .” 

“None of those are important, at least not to you. Except that I’m your honeybee,” Stark winked at him. He didn’t know why. “Well, I requested a peacock, but Natasha said it was stupid and I was like a bee because I talk so fast and am always doing something. I made a  _ Mean Girls _ joke, and ever since she’s been calling me  _ pchela _ . So, that’s what I was to you, as well. I didn’t want you to know it was me and not talk to me. I guess that was wrong, sorta kinda, but I want you to know that I’m not angry with you. I’m angry with Rogers, yes, and I don’t think you were all to blame for everything that happened, right? I’ve seen how you fight, and I’ve seen how Barnes fights… you’re more… efficient, I guess. He said it was you, but I didn’t believe him. Everyone else in the East Wing did, but not me, and not the other people here.” 

“I… I killed your…” Winter didn’t know if he should say it. Murder hadn’t been difficult for him, he knew how to do it, he knew how to hide it, and he knew of why he did it - because he was told to do it or face punishment. But he also knew that James didn’t like to talk about it, and nobody that lived with James mentioned it either. Except Barton, but only to threaten to kill Stark for everything he had done to him. Winter didn’t know what those things were, but Barton seemed to believe he caused his life to degrade before his eyes, and everyone in that section of the compound, the East Residential Wing, encouraged him, or agrees with him at the very least. 

“I know. Don’t worry about it. I know that it wasn’t really you. You didn’t decide to kill them, you were told to, and from what Nat mentioned, it doesn’t seem like you had much of a choice of anything, and even if you did, she said you didn’t understand things that most of us knew just because we were raised around people with at least some morality. You didn’t get that little piece. It’s an important part of child development, it’s understandable, even if I don’t like it, I’m not mad at you.” 

For a long moment, Winter stared at Stark, and then Winter frowned and ground his teeth. He was supposed to feel bad, he hurt them, but Stark was pushing the blame off him, and that made him feel bad too. Why? He should be relieved, but he wasn’t. Stark touched his shoulder, and he would have pulled it back, but he was held against the glass wall. Stark moved his hand when he felt him flinch, though. 

“Let’s not think about that, though. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do anymore. But, if you want me to leave, I can leave you alone. If you want to leave the compound… well, I could try and get you somewhere to stay, some money or something to take care of yourself. But, hopefully, you’ll join me and the other animals in your contacts list in the West Wing. There’s a room for you, too. Nat moved in with Laura and the kids, and Bruce started to shack up with Thor, and Rhodey moved to Carol’s room and… jeez, everyone’s getting together. But, seriously, you have a place there. We want you to live with us. We want to give you everything that you didn’t get, alright? That includes lots of food, soft things, affection, awkward sex talks, and the like. It’s gonna be totally awesome.” 

“Thank you,” Winter reached out to touch Stark this time. Stark didn’t pull away and Winter hesitantly leaned forward and rested his head on Stark’s shoulder. He felt Stark’s arms wrap around him, and he was nervous at first. He was restrained, essentially, but Stark offered him comfort with his touch, it wasn’t to hold him, because it was very obvious that Stark wasn’t holding onto him as tightly as Winter was holding him, and he rubbed his back soothingly. This was a hug, like the one Natalia gave him. He didn’t realize that he was crying until his cheek started to stick to Stark’s shirt. He pulled away and wiped his eyes. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to--” 

“No worries. I’d be crying a whole lot more if I were you, but I know it’s probably difficult. And just in case you’re thinking that you aren’t allowed to cry, you’re allowed to do anything you want, well, within reason. Do you want me to show you to your room? Maybe we can meet Laura, she says you spoke with her often. She never told me the details, but she cares about you even if you don’t know her in person yet.” 

“ _ L’vitsa _ ?” Stark nodded. He hesitantly took Stark’s hand in his own and Stark started to walk with him, leading him from the containment area to the elevator. They took it up to the ground level, and Tony walked with him into the West Wing from the common kitchen and dining area for everyone to eat and lounge in. They walked into the West Wing and Natalia greeted them. She held a child on her hip. He was young, very young, but he was so cute. His cheeks were so fat and wonderful. He was adorable. 

“I wanna take him up to his room, but do you wanna get Laura out here before that? She’s been wanting to meet him,” Stark said. The child looked up at Natalia. 

“Laura!” She called, and a woman came out from the other room. 

“Is he here?” Laura approached slowly, looking at him and meeting his eyes. She smiled at him. “I’m Laura, it’s nice to meet you.” 

“It’s nice to finally meet you as well.” 

“So polite! Do you want some breakfast? We still have some out? I think we have the blueberry cake doughnuts from Tony, and Thor, who I think we ‘dog’, has requested you try poptarts because he thinks they will make you feel better, but there is plenty of everything else if you want to try anything different.” 

“I haven’t…,” Winter didn’t know how to articulate his statement. 

“They didn’t give you food, did they?” Natalia asked a moment later. Winter nodded and looked down. He couldn’t be a person, he didn’t know what to do. He was pathetic. So worthless. Why would they give him food when he could survive just as well on nutritional injections? He wasn’t afforded that  _ luxury _ . And he was too afraid that he’d get in a fight with someone else if he went out for food on his own…. “Well, then that means you need to try a bit of everything so you know what you like. That’s all. Nothing to worry about. I’m sure Tony’ll share his doughnuts with you.” 

“And my coffee, too. You’re just that special, kitten,” Stark smiled at him, and ran his thumb over the space between his thumb and forefinger. It was nice. A pleasant action and feeling. 

“The only ones in the kitchen were Peter and Cooper a moment ago, it shouldn’t be too much, but if it is, then that’s alright. We can always bring stuff to your room,” Laura smiled at him and took the toddler from Natalia’s hip and held him to her own. He wrapped his chubby, little arms around her neck and rested his head against her chest. He was staring at him, but Winter was staring right back at him. He was so tiny. 

“We could go, I think. If it’s alright.” 

He was whisked away to the kitchen. Peter, the boy who fought with James, was clinging to the ceiling and holding something in his hand, and the other boy, who must be Cooper, was jumping in an attempt to get it. When they walked in, Peter dropped the thing in his hand and Cooper caught it. Cooper shoved the entire thing, a doughnut, into his mouth and glared at Peter. The kid landed on his feet, flipping off from the wall in a backflip, the kid was graceful, even if he was sort of awkward and pointy. The girls were graceful at that age too, maybe it was similar? 

The other boy, Cooper, held onto Laura and looked up at him. She pet his hair. 

“Why is he here?” He asked. 

“This isn’t Barnes, Coop, this is… uh, well, I don’t know his name. But I’m sure he’ll have one soon.” 

“Winter. I’m Winter.” 

“Oh… I heard about you, then. You’re the guy trapped in the other guy’s body?” He could feel Natalia behind him, and he moved forward and turned his back to the wall. He wasn’t going to let her behind him. He would be open like that, and he was defenseless now. She didn’t say anything, but she put her hands on her hips. Had he offended her. He didn’t mean to, but he knew what she was capable of. 

“Were you eavesdropping, young man?” She said. The boy made a face, like he was awaiting punishment, and then she smiled. “He’s gotten so good. So stealthy. Good job,” Natalia ruffled his hair and walked past him. She and Stark were doing something at the counter. Peter stood in the corner. He looked as nervous as Winter felt, but then he smiled widely and walked over to him. 

“Hi Mr. Winter, I’m Peter! I’ve heard about you too, but it was because Mr. Stark was talking about you and--” 

“Kid!” 

“Oh, right. Sorry, Mr. Stark. I mean, it was because… well, I heard about you too. I’m glad you’re here. Maybe someone will be able to hang in the rafters with me. Nobody else will do it with me and I really want to see if I can play a rock, paper, scissors upside down, and at least twenty feet from the ground.” It seemed like an oddly specific request, but Winter made a note of it. “Anyway, I need kick Cooper’s butt at Overwatch. Today’s Sunday, so he’s gotta go to school tomorrow.” 

“So do you, Parker.” 

“Yeah, but I’m older than you so I don’t have to go in as early anymore!” Cooper and Peter both left, their running turning to walk when Laura shouted at them. Peter waved to him when he left. To make sure he had waved at him, he looked to his side. Nope, it was a wall, it had to be at him. Why would he do that? He accepted the mug from Stark hesitantly. He knew, logically, it would be stupid to poison him after giving him his own body, but he was still nervous. That was  _ Pchela  _ though, and  _ Pchela _ was so nice to him. 

“I put sugar in it, and cream, but that’s because it’s bitter. I like sweet things, but don’t tell anyone else, because I’m supposed to be rich, so that means I have to like my coffee black and bitter as hell. Or something to that effect. I’m not sure why people think that, actually. I don’t think I’m interested enough to look into it though,” He accepted the mug and took a sip of it. He didn’t know what to think, so he decided he would drink more to figure it out. He made a face. It wasn’t bad, but he wasn’t sure if he liked it either. “We need to take pictures,” Stark looked at Natalia, where she stood with one hand on his hip and the other with a plate of things he didn’t recognize, beside the doughnuts. The other people, with James, ate doughnuts often. He had never had one, though. James did, he meant, but not him. 

“Let’s just try and get him comfortable before we start taking snapshots of his life. Here, this is a bit of everything we had this morning. I’m sure you’ll find at least one thing you like, and if not, we can find something. You wanna sit at the table?” He looked at the table. He didn’t really want to sit. He knew that there shouldn’t be a threat here, but Natalia was a Widow, Stark was a Threat Level Six, and Laura was completely unknown to him. He took a seat at the table anyway, because he didn’t want them to get upset if they realized he was not exactly comfortable around them. He wasn’t scared, but he was  _ on edge _ . 

Stark sat with him and so did Natalia. Natalia took the toddler from Laura and held him on her lap. Laura took a seat too. He tried a bit of everything. Doughnuts, toast with different jam on them, poptarts, cinnamon rolls… a variety of other sweet things. Laura got a call on her mobile and went to check on the issue. She didn’t say what it was, but from what he heard, something had happened at the front gates, the entrance to the compound, which had a guard. This guard had called for backup? He didn’t know Laura’s abilities, but he was sure they were up to par with people like Stark and Natalia. She was, after all,  _ L’vitsa _ . He wanted to find out why she chose that name, or why Natalia chose it for her (as she did with Stark’s). 

“So… I wasn’t sure if I should mention this, but… do you want a new arm?” Winter looked to Stark. For just a moment, he was worried. Was he joking? Was he seriously considering making him an arm? 

“Yes.” 

“Ah, that’s a relief. I have a whole folder full of plans and I didn’t want to have to scrap them. I wasn’t going to make anything for Barnes, I’m being petty and everyone needs to be fully aware of the extent of which I can be petty, but I’ll make  _ you _ an awesome arm. I can maybe bring some designs up with you. I want to make it durable, but if you want it something different you just need to let me know and we can do something different,” Stark was leaning on his elbow looking at his watch (if Stark was wearing the same watch, Winter had seen it turn into a weapon when he tried to… when he  _ tried to shoot him _ ). Winter nodded before realizing that Stark couldn’t see him. 

“...Yes. That sounds… good.” Stark looked up at him and he felt odd. Stark smiled at him. 

“Can do, kitten. We’ll worry about the other details later. Did you like anything? I mean, was there something that you liked more than the others? Something that stood out? I mean, I love blueberry cake doughnuts, and Natasha loves cinnamon rolls because she and Laura do this sickeningly sweet thing where they share a giant cinnamon roll in the morning when we get them.” 

“I liked the bagel. The one with cream cheese  _ and _ jam. James never ate that. He said it was too much at one time, but I think it’s really good. Also, these fluffy things,” he pointed to the half eaten  _ thing _ on the plate. He would have eaten the rest, but he had eaten so much, and he didn’t want to eat anymore. 

“That’s a croissant. You’ve got good taste.” Stark stretched his arms up over his head. He was wearing a suit. A very expensive suit that he hadn’t seen anyone at the other side of the compound wear. He looked very nice in it. The colour was nice too, it was like… blood -- but it wasn’t nice because it looked like blood! It was just a nice colour. He had gotten his tears on it, so he felt a little bad about that. It didn’t look ruined though. 

Winter knew from the conversations between the others that ‘you’ve got good taste’ didn’t mean that they tasted good, although that was originally what he thought and then confused himself over because they didn’t taste anything, so how? It meant that they had good taste when it came to picking out things they liked. That they liked similar things. 

“Oh. You’re still wearing Barnes’ clothes, sorta-kinda. When you’re finished, I want to show you your new room. I hope you like it. Nat said that I shouldn’t go overboard, but I didn’t know what that meant, so I just asked her and Laura to help me pick things out. That’s why I asked for your favourite colour, too.” 

Stark walked with him up the stairs to the floor with the rooms. Natalia stayed behind with the child, and he was only a little nervous to once again be alone with Stark. Yes, he knew that if it came to violence, he would win, it would be very difficult (he was a Threat Level  _ Six _ !), but he would. If Natalia was there… he would have an even greater challenge, but he could win. But would he  _ want _ to win? 

The nerves, though, were not because he was afraid of being attacked, he was afraid of the exact opposite. That entire spectrum of comfort he had seen from James’ point of view, the hug from earlier, the crying, the everything? That was what he wasn’t sure of. Here, now, he didn’t need to be the Winter Soldier, Fist of HYDRA, he just needed to be Winter. He just needed to get along, and learn, and grow.  _ Pchela  _ \- Stark - told him that many times. As did  _ L’vitsa _ \- Laura. 

Stark opened the door to his room for him and stepped to the side, not going inside the room. Winter walked in. It was… more than he had expected. More than he ever thought he would get. It wasn’t what Barnes or the others had, and he was so thankful. He couldn’t sleep in Barnes’ bed. This was small, and it didn’t look like it was too soft. There was a closet, it was smaller, but when he opened the door, it would still be possible to fit himself inside of it. There was an attached bathroom that was small, not over the top, and made, designed, for functional use. Or at least it seemed that way. He went back out of the bathroom to his actual room. Stark still stood outside the door. 

“Would you like to come inside?” He asked.

“I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable, but yeah, I sorta do.” 

“Then come inside,” he looked around the room. The walls were grey, cool though, it wasn’t overwhelming. 

There was a dresser, despite having a closet. He opened the drawers. There were clothes for him. He looked through them. They were soft. It was odd, but he liked soft clothes, even better if they were practical, but beds needed to be firm, blankets needed to be a little rough, although he could see himself, in the future, learning to love soft blankets. They looked very warm, and he liked being warm. It wasn’t a feeling he often had during any time in his life. Even after HYDRA when he was hiding out with James. 

He could hear and feel Stark come into the room more than he saw him. He could feel the displacement of air as he walked and he could hear his footsteps. He pulled a sweater out of the drawer. It was…  _ beige _ ? And it was soft with long sleeves. It was perfect. He pulled the shirt he had on off, and slid inside of the new one. He lifted his hand and rubbed his cheek against the sleeve. Yes, he liked this shirt a lot. He looked at the duplicate of James’ shirt in his hand and didn’t know what to do with it. Preferably, he’d just throw it away, but what if James wanted it back? He already had a shirt like that, and jeans too, but he didn’t know. James could be very particular sometimes. 

“Want me to get rid of that?” Stark said. 

“Yes, please,” he turned and Stark took the shirt. “This room is amazing. Thank you.” He wasn’t sure if ‘thank you’ accurately expressed how thankful he was, but he didn’t know of a better way to say it, so that would have to do for now. His room,  _ his room _ , was perfect. It was cool, with a dark blue blanket on the bed, a bed that was personally chosen to be small because Stark took the absence of luxury in mind (he was so kind). 

“You’re welcome. I’m glad you like it. I take it you don’t have your phone though, right?” Winter nodded. He hadn’t even thought about his phone. “I can ask Nat if she can get it, if you want, or you can go with her. I don’t think… I don’t want to tell you that you can’t do anything, because I don’t want to restrict you like that, but it’s probably better that you don’t go over there without someone else with you.” 

“I understand. Could I change out of these jeans first? I don’t think… I don’t think I like these.” He looked down at the jeans that James had been wearing. He had pulled them on from where they were on the floor, and the zipper was half broken. He would really prefer not being in James’ clothes, too. Stark nodded. 

“Sure. You remember how to get to the kitchen?” 

“Yes. I will go there when I’m changed, if you would like.” 

“Sounds good.” 

Stark walked from the room, closing the door behind him. Of course, at first, Winter hadn’t understood the idea of privacy. He hadn’t exactly been given any courtesy with HYDRA, but James was always sending people out when he got dressed or undressed, sometimes even Rogers. So, Winter thought he should take the same idea and apply it to himself. To undress and for privacy reasons. He noticed that James did the same thing for other people, and he was sure it was for similar reasons. He understood that it was a social custom he needed to follow, but he didn’t understand why. Or why privacy was important. Those were things he hadn’t exactly considered since he hadn’t been in control of the body and in front of other people often since they ran. 

He pulled on some soft, stretchy pants. They were cool against his skin, originally, but they warmed up and stayed warm. He liked that alot. He walked down the stairs and into the kitchen. 

“Are you sure?” Stark asked. 

“I’m very sure,” Laura said. Stark pouted, much like Rogers had done earlier, but it wasn’t nearly as irritating. He wondered why that was. 

“Fine, I’ll bring it up here then.” 

“If I come back and Nathaniel is flying, I will be very upset, understand?” 

“So as long as you don’t  _ see _ it, I’m fine?” Stark laughed, “I’m joking. I can hardly let Peter go swinging around at night. I’m not introducing little Nate to the superhero life anytime soon. But I will definitely teach him how to build things, and if they happen to be boots so he can learn to fly, then that’s not my fault, I’m just being a good teacher.” 

“Why don’t you go tell Nat to come back inside with Lila. She’s been practicing for hours, she needs to come in and take a break,” Laura said. Stark kissed the top of the child’s head, the one he was sure they were talking about earlier, Nate. The kid turned to look at him from where he stood in the doorway. Stark walked toward him.

“Nat can go with you once she’s inside. I guess I’m helping Lila restring her bow?” Stark looked to Laura She nodded and Stark nodded back. “Yeah, I’ll be restringing her bow. If you need anything, you tell FRIDAY and she’ll tell me, alright?” Stark was talking to him now. 

“I will. Thank you, for everything… sir?” 

“Call me Tony,” Stark - Tony - looked to him with a smile and then walked out. Winter watched Laura make something that she handed to the toddler. The boy took it and put it in his mouth and chewed on it. He still wasn’t entirely sure what it was, but he seemed to enjoy it. He turned to see Natalia approaching. In the distance, he saw Tony with Lila. Tony was holding her compound bow while she held a recurve bow. He focused his attention on Natalia, solely. 

“You want to go get the phone? We can wait if you want, it’s only a day or two.” 

“What if he finds it?” 

“He hasn’t found it yet, has he?” She was right. James had yet to find his phone, but he wouldn’t put it past the others to get very paranoid and search for something incriminating. It was odd that Dr. Strange offered, and then Tony showed up to take him back to his wing. He could see them getting suspicious, especially James himself and the archer, Barton (Laura’s ex-husband, if Barton’s rants were anything to go on). “But, if you want, we can go now. Wanna go?” He nodded and she started walking, motioning for him to join her. 

She showed an extreme amount of trust by letting him walk behind her. Yes, he knew she was armed and he was not, but he was sure they were both conscious of the fact that he could do plenty of damage without a weapon. He was surprised to see that, but then again, he and Natalia had spoken through messages, and Natalia seemed like she was adjusting very well to life outside of the spy world. If what Natalia mentioned about the reserve Avengers, then she, Laura, and Tony weren’t even active members, rather they were on the sidelines, ready to be called out if there was an emergency that absolutely required their presence. 

They walked through the large rooms in the center of the residential building. There was a talking raccoon on the table, ready to shoot some foriegn-looking weapon at this man who was laughing, in the cafeteria area. Natalia nodded to the green woman, who nodded back, but otherwise they were ignored. Winter followed Natalia, getting a little closer. He really didn’t want to deal with James or Rogers at the moment, but he wanted his phone. There was a lot of information on it that was very important, special, and required to be kept a secret from the others. So, there they were. Natalia walked into the wing, ignoring the cries of the others who were in what looked like a meeting, and walked up the stairs and to the hall where James’ room was. They were followed by a few of the residents, and Natalia opened the door. Winter walked to the closet quickly and grabbed the phone where he hid it and stepped back from the closet and closer to Natalia. 

“What is that?” Rogers asked. 

“A phone,” Natalia said. She pushed the shoulders of the people gathered around James’ door, and made a path for them. She pushed him in front of her, and because he wanted to at least show her that he was trusting her, he didn’t fight it. The shouts behind them got softer and softer the more he walked, and finally, Natalia was in front of him again. “You alright?” She asked. 

“I’m fine, thank you.” 

“You know that you don’t need to thank us for everything,” she said. He didn’t know what that meant. He was grateful for everything they were doing, should he not say it? “As a person, as a human being, you deserve nice things to happen. You deserve friends, and as your friends, we want to give you the best. We want you to live a life worth living, alright?” 

“Alright.” 

She nodded and continued to walk. They were back in the West Wing and when he got inside, Natalia split to check on Laura, she said, and then he was approached by people he didn’t know. Personally, anyway. James had met these people, so he knew their names, and some of them were on HYDRA’s watchlist, so he knew other details as well. Like Thor Odinson, the Asgardian. He was sitting on the couch with his arms wrapped around another person, Dr. Robert Bruce Banner, who was reading a book and laughing while Thor attempted to kiss his neck. 

“We’re in the living room. Someone will see us!” Dr. Banner was laughing too. 

“They will see how much I adore you!” 

“Thor!” 

Was nobody afraid of Dr. Banner transforming into the Hulk? He had read how dangerous he was in that form, and that he was invincible. That should he encounter him on any mission, he was to escape as fast as possible to keep the Asset in proper working condition. He didn’t know what to do, and he felt odd watching this happen, so he turned and went up the stairs. He went to his room and sat on the bed. He left the door open. He was… unsure, and he was unsure all the time now and he wasn’t sure if he should be unsure all the time which was worrying in itself because what does that even mean? 

He knew it was still early in the day. It was only a few hours into the afternoon, not quite evening yet, and he was already stumped as to what people did in their spare time. Rogers and James often spent it together, but he didn’t have a person like they did, and when Rogers wasn’t there, James would spend time with his friends, the others in the East Wing. They, though, didn’t have jobs to finish or meetings to attend, they were not busy more often than not. The people here were probably tired. They all did work, or at least they most worked. He wasn’t sure about Thor or Dr. Banner, but he was sure they probably did things as well, and were simply enjoying their free time together. 

From where he sat on his bed, he saw a blurb rush past his room. It was short, and it was definitely a person, but who? 

“Don’t run in the hallways, please!” Laura called from somewhere outside of his room. He saw a slower person, the tiny human, Nate, walk down the hall before backtracking and looking into his room. He walked inside and swayed as he tried to get to his bed. He was so plump. He wanted to pick him up, but what if he hurt the little human? The boy had one, little fist balled in his blanket and the other was being used to motion from the ground to the ceiling. He didn’t know what it meant, but he wanted something. He saw Laura standing outside his door. “I think he wants you to pick him up.” 

He looked at the toddler. Was that permission? He reached out and picked him up from under the arms and set him on the bed. He leaned forward and wrapped his arms around his neck. He held on and eventually Winter raised his hands to hold him up and support him better, since he lacked the strength to do it himself (he was tiny, he wasn’t expecting much). 

“May I come inside?” Laura asked. 

“Yes, of course.” 

She walked inside his room and got closer to the bed. The toddler was doing this swaying motion, moving from right to left with all the weight he could use to pull. 

“He wants you to rock like that,” she said. “That’s how I put him to sleep. I think he’s trying to take care of you.” 

“Winter sleeps. He ins bed,” the boy said before continuing the motion. Winter moved with him this time and the boy rubbed his chubby cheek against his shoulder. “Winter sleeps now. Ins bed. So he sleeps.” 

“ _ On takoy malen’kiy _ (he’s so small),” he said. His skin was so soft, and he was fragile. So very fragile. “ _ Kak krolik ili belka…  _ (like a rabbit or squirrel).” 

“He is, isn’t he?” Laura said. She reached out and twirled the floppy hair on his head with her fingers. “He’s certainly energetic like one. Or at least most of the time,” she smiled and looked up at him. “He likes you.” 

“I likes Winter,” he said a moment later, “Winter’s big and sad. I makes him happy now. Are you happy?” 

“I am,” Winter said. He was happy, and the fact that nobody here had been afraid of him, except Natalia - which was to be expected, but even then, she changed so quickly - and had only been nice to him. He hadn’t been called a monster once, and now a small child was going to him. Purposefully sitting with him. He was nervous he would have scared him away earlier, but he was happy. This was happiness, right? It must be. 

“I takes nap here now?” 

“If Winter will let you, I don’t have a problem with that,” Laura said. She looked to him. “He wants to take his nap here, that’s why we were coming upstairs.” 

“Sleep? I haven’t…,” he hadn’t actually slept had he? He rested, but he hadn’t actually slept. He didn’t have dreams, and he hadn’t really woken up since he had always been awake when James was awake, and rested only enough to daydream, which was different. He could guide the topics then, but real sleep? “What happens if he gets hurt? What if I hurt him?” 

“Well, I don’t think you’re going to hurt him, but if you’re worried, I have a plan to avoid that, if you would like,” she said. He believed her. She was very good at plans. She had told him many times of all of the plans she had made, mostly to get her children to do what she wanted without them feeling like she was demanding them to do things. She fooled them into thinking it was their idea. It worked sometimes, but it was enough to make him believe she had a grasp of how to manipulate things to bring the desired outcome. 

“Let’s do that, then,” he said. He continued to sway like Nate had gotten him to do and he heard his breathing even out. His eyelashing twitching against his neck, and his arms loosening around him. He slept on him for what felt like a long time before Laura gently picked him up. He adapted and wrapped around her in a similar fashion as he had him. 

“Here, I’ll take him to his bed now. He’ll probably wake up in a half hour or so,” she said, her voice was soft, barely a whisper. He nodded and she took him out of the room. He crawled under the blankets of the bed, his bed. He would have to get used to having things of his own. Things that weren’t just being borrowed or things that were James’. He would have slept, or so he told himself, but he got paranoid - although was it really paranoia if it could be real? - and got up and searched the entire room before getting back underneath the blankets. There wasn’t a microphone to be found, and the only camera was outside of his room, and it looked at the entire hallway. He found little places that he would definitely be able to stash things away in. He didn’t have anything to put in them now, but he would, hopefully, one day. 

Once he was less restless, and tucked under his blankets, he tried to sleep, but when he closed his eyes, he couldn’t focus on what he wanted to focus on, his mind automatically went to some of the gorier memories of his. He tried to think about different things, pleasant things, but even if he saw something innocent and lovely one second, there would be a horrendous mid-morph image before it went back to the unpleasantness. He didn’t know how to make that stop. He did finally fall asleep though. 

At least he had to have fallen asleep because he woke up in a panic. He looked around the room, not recognizing it, and he rolled to the floor before struggling out of the blankets that had wrapped around him. He stood up, and then he realized that he was in his bedroom. There were no hands or chains, it was just blankets, no leather restraints, and the window that led outside was still covered with the thick curtains, but it was darker than before. It was later, so he must have slept. 

Of course he had to have slept. There was no way he could have been tied to The Chair one second and wake up in a bed in the other. He picked up the blankets and folded them and tossed them over his shoulder. He made the bed like James had done in his room. He and Rogers had joked about it, having been standard and an action required of them when they went into the army. He decided he didn’t like it, and he wanted it to look less… fitted. So he pulled the comforter out from under the mattress. That was better. It didn’t look so restricted now. He thought he had done a very good job for someone with a single arm, and someone who had only known what it was like to have his metal arm - he didn’t have it anymore, and he forgot that it was gone. It had been gone for a while, but it wasn’t like he moved around much when he was confined to James’ room. 

He shut the door behind him when he left his room. He walked down the stairs and down through the living room. In the kitchen, there were more people than he was used to. There was the man with the magic, there was Tony, Thor, Dr. Banner, Laura, and Natalia all in a group talking, but Tony seemed to be talking to multiple people at once, since he would comment towards the one with magic, and to speak to… Colonel James Rupert Rhodes. He was in the dossier about Tony, the one that HYDRA had created. Beside him was a woman he didn’t recognize. There was also someone who he had absolutely no idea where to begin with. He looked human, but he had a piece on him that wasn’t human, it was glowing. He was confused. 

He heard children running behind him, their footsteps louder and faster than most adults, and he moved out of the doorway and to the side of the room, back against the wall, just in time for Peter, the spider child, to run into the room followed by the other boy, Cooper, and the girl, Lila. They all ran towards Laura, and Peter hid behind Tony. 

“She’s got a hair tie!” He said, pointing at Lila, who had a rubber band stretched between her fingers. 

“C’mon, calm down,” Tony said a moment later. “Can I see the hair tie?” Lila walked to the counter behind them and set the tie down. Tony picked it up and looked at it for a moment before tucking it into his pocket. “The weapon has been confiscated, move along.” 

“Mr. Stark!?” 

“Don’t ‘Mr. Stark’ me. It’s time for food, so we have to be calm because you could knock something over and I swear if Bruce’s curry gets knocked over again I will actually start shooting at people,” Tony motioned to the living room, “but, would you be a dear and go get the food from the man at the front. It’s all paid for, I just don’t want to carry it all and you’re super strong!” 

“Of course!” Peter went running out of the room, followed by a long suffering sigh from Tony. 

“He’s gonna be the death of me, I swear,” Tony held a hand over his chest, which drew Winter’s eye to it. He quickly looked away when he saw a glow there too. He felt bad. Back in… back when the arm got… he hit… he felt ashamed that he had done that. He wanted to say ‘but I was terrified of dying, in immense pain, and scared because I didn’t know what would happen next because I’ve never lived without HYDRA,’ but he wouldn’t because he felt like there shouldn’t be any excuses for that. He could have acted differently. He could have ended the fight by pulling Rogers away, by running, Tony could hardly move in his suit, and he left him…. 

A moment later, Tony saw him too, and walked toward him. Winter stayed against the wall. He saw Natalia watching them from where she was standing, beside Laura and now behind Tony. 

“Heard you took a nap. Any good dreams?” Tony asked. He was loud, but he was pleasant. He seemed so happy, and it was only because he worked and hurt people so often that he saw the pain behind that smile. He felt terrible. What if he caused it? No, he  _ knew _ he caused it, what else could it have been? 

“No,” he said, “I didn’t have good dreams. I thought that maybe… I didn’t dream before, I didn’t really get to sleep before. I wasn’t expecting…,” he didn’t know how to describe it. He felt like he was back in The Chair, he wasn’t but it had felt so real. He didn’t like that. 

“I’m sorry. You know, it’s sort of a thing around here. At night, you’ll find us here, and by us I mean, Nat, Vis and I. Vision doesn’t sleep, he rests and charges, and Nat and I? Well, we don’t have many good dreams either. Don’t worry, we’ll start a knitting circle or something. It’ll be fun, or as fun as it can be.” 

“How was your day?” That was what they would ask each other before he had his own body. Tony sighed and put a hand on his hip. 

“You wouldn’t believe it,” Tony said. It was amazing to hear Tony’s inflection rather than read it in his head. Tony was… well, he knew  _ Pchela _ was dramatic, but he was more than he expected. It didn’t bother Winter, it was actually very interesting. He was taught, and had taught the Widows, that they weren’t people, they weren’t allowed to feel anything. They had a job, and that job was their life. They completed their mission, and then they were sent out on the next assignment. They didn’t have the autonomy to develop personalities. Natalia seemed to have gotten out of that though, and he now had a chance to not be like that, and watching how freely Tony expressed things was amazing. It wasn’t something he was even slightly used to, at least not in person. “I helped Lila restring her compound bow, and I took her old recurve bow in to see what I could do. I gave it back, but I’ve been trying to keep her and her father super separated. She’s got her own folder and everything. 

“After I worked on that, I went back to do some general maintenance on the suits, and was working on the new one. I said I’d stop making so many of them, but what if they’re needed. I’m not making the Legion again because that went horribly last time, but I am trying to make something similar. Carol’s given me the green flag, and I gave Pepper at least six months worth of updates a few weeks ago, so that’s fine there. I think I have a meeting, but I think I’m gonna see if I can get out of it. Seriously, if I have to listen to another grouchy, old bastard attempt to play the part of a rude father-figure, I’m going to lose it,” he took a breath, and Winter was genuinely surprised he could say so much without breathing, or at least it seemed like he hadn’t breathed. “How was your day? After the nap I mean. Long? Disappointing? Do you need anything? Do you want anything?” 

“My day was… otherwise good. The squirrel-baby fell asleep on me, and he is really adorable,” he smiled just picturing his chubby cheeks, “and his cheeks are so squishy. He’s just so,” he made a motion, “tiny. That’s about all of my day. Well, I saw Thor and Dr. Banner, but I got nervous and went to my room. They seemed like they didn’t want to be interrupted.” Tony gasped. 

“Yeah, Nate is super cute, isn’t he? You should watch him try to eat pizza. It’s awesome, even if Laura doesn’t seem to agree with me. She’s his mom, I’m the cool uncle, so I can give him all the pizza he wants. And Brucie-bear being affectionate in public? I’m glad he’s getting more comfortable. He’s sort of like you, actually.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“I mean, he thinks he’s gonna hurt people on accident, that he’s this horrible monster, but he isn’t. Just like how you’re not a monster. You’re not gonna hurt people on accident, and if you do, then it doesn’t make you a horrible person, it was an accident, after all. How are we supposed to learn anything if we don’t make any mistakes?” 

That made sense. He could see the similarities, even if they made him uncomfortable. He looked down at Tony. He was staring up at him. Was he supposed to answer that question? He did know what rhetorical questions were, he knew that some questions weren’t meant to be answered, but maybe this one should be? 

“I can see why you think that,” he said. 

He heard someone walking in from outside the room. Then everyone started to take things from Peter and carry them to the dining room. Everyone beside him and Tony. 

“Let’s go get some food,” Tony said, “we can introduce everyone too, if you would like. I’m not sure if you know everyone. It would make sense you’ve heard about Bruce and Thor, the Avengers were sort of everywhere for a while, but we got some newer members that you should probably meet.” 

In the dining room, Tony, thankfully, pointed out where they could sit, and they went there. Winter was hesitant to grab anything. There were boxes full of different things, and there were bowls of curry that Winter recognized as what Dr. Banner had made. He got a few odd looks from the other two children, Cooper and Lila, and most people seemed hesitant around him. He wasn’t sure who was who from his contacts, but he knew the three people that he spoke with the most, and Thor. At some point, he was poking around his food, and a plate was pushed to him from the side. It was Laura, and Nate was in her lap. He was eating rice, and he looked at him and smiled before going back to using his small spoon to eat. 

“Nate said you needed to eat more, so there is a bit of what he thinks you would like on there,” Laura said, “and I agree with him. We have our own superhuman, excuse me, superhumans - plural - and we know how much they eat.” Winter knew of their superhumans, or at least three of the, Natalia, Peter and Thor (was he technically a super _ human _ ?), but he wasn’t sure of the others. He noticed the man with the stone in his forehead not eating anything, but he was speaking with Dr. Banner. They seemed to be talking about something that they both cared deeply about. 

“That’s Vision,” Tony said, “by Bruce. He doesn’t look like that always, he’s an android. Not human, although he is totally my child, and he knows it. Then the blonde is Carol. She’s a badass. She runs the house with an iron fist… just kidding. She’s actually pretty laid back all things considered. She and Rhodey, uh, the one with the wheelchair, run the Avengers now. At least the main teams. Also, Rhodey is usually just called Jim by people in the house, but he’s my Rhodey-bear because he’s been my friends since, like,  _ forever _ . 

“Then, the one with the red cape is Stephen, but Dr. Strange is what we call him usually. He’s sort of annoying, but he’s also a lot like me, so maybe it’s just our personalities clashing. There is Thor, Bruce, Laura, Nat and I that you know already, and you’ll probably be seeing Thor’s brother around, Loki. He’s tall, pale, kind of gangly, looks like he’s constantly disappointed with the world. He’s a mess, and a complicated one at that. Also, there’s Lila and Cooper, and Peter, but you may remember them, too. 

“You know, if I’m talking too much, feel free to just stop me because I could probably talk for years and still need to elaborate on something or other. If I get annoying at all, actually, just let me know because I wouldn’t want to annoy you. Or irritate you. And now I’ve started talking too much and I’ve gotten into awkward talk-stuff so I’m going to shove this food in my mouth so,” he took a bite of something and looked back down at his plate. He wasn’t entirely sure what just happened, but he nodded along because he knew who was who, now. That was helpful. 

Peter was staring at Tony from across the table, smiling, and Cooper pulled his wallet out (it had some cartoon character on it, maybe) and slid a five dollar bill to Peter who shoved it in his pocket. Cooper then handed Lila a ten dollar bill, and she pulled out her own wallet. She looked very pleased because of this. He looked back down at his own food. It was mostly gone. He decided he liked everything here, except one of the dishes but it was too spicy for him. Spicy, that was the word. Everything else, though, he did like. 

Then, people started to clear out. 

“Goodnight, friends! Sleep well!” Thor said, standing up and gathering the trash around him and Dr. Banner and picking it up and leaving the dining room with it. 

“Goodnight,” Dr. Banner said, following behind Thor a moment later. Tony gave him a thumbs up and Dr. Banner rolled his eyes before leaving the room. Tony pulled his phone out a moment later and did something, but Winter decided it was probably best not to look. He didn’t understand ‘privacy’ because it was an odd concept, but he did recognize this as a situation where privacy was something required. That’s how it worked, right? He wasn’t sure, but he shifted his focus to Dr. Strange, who sent the trash down from the table with another one of those portals. He was sure they were called portals. Either way, Dr. Strange sent that away. 

“Goodnight,” he said before stepping in through the portal. It closed behind him, and then Carol and Jim left a moment later with their own plates and boxes of food. 

“Alright, children, it’s eight. Lila, Cooper, you know the rules. Eleven, no later, alright? You too Peter, you know Sunday patrols are off limits right now” Laura said, she picked up Nate, who was half asleep and drooling, and Natalia gathered the trash around them up. She looked at the three children sitting together. 

“I’ll make sure they’re in bed by eleven,” she said. She kissed Laura and walked out of the room with her. The children quickly followed after them. Vision stood up and helped Winter leverage the remaining boxes on the table. Vision put the remaining food in the massive fridge and then went to take out the trash. 

“Hey, can I show you something?” Tony asked as they walked into the living room. 

“Of course,” he saw the children passing cash around from where they sat on the couch (and floor in Cooper’s case) again just as Tony reached out for his hand. He accepted Tony’s hand and Tony took him up the stairs. He knew that Tony, from the information given to him by HYDRA, and from what he had heard from the residents of the East Wing, that he has a restricted lung capacity, and shouldn’t be walking up so many stairs. He wanted to offer to just carry him because he sounded like he was having a difficult time breathing, but he didn’t want to also imply that Tony couldn’t do it himself, which wasn’t why he was offering, but he would rather just keep his friend alive since breathing was sort of a necessity. But then they were on the roof of the building. The roof was covered in smooth concrete, like it was built with the idea of going up there to relax in mind. 

Tony took a few breaths, and Winter looked at the edge of the building. He wanted to see how high they were, but he stayed by Tony because if he was hurt, he wanted to make sure he could try and help him as quick as possible. 

“Holy shit, I’m forty-eight, not a hundred. Sorry about that. I’m a superhero and I can’t even walk up a few flights of stairs,” Tony said, shaking his head. He stood up fully and looked off the edge of the building. “As beautiful as the sight of the rest of the compound is from here, or even if you look there,” he pointed specifically to the south where the cities in the distance were distinctly brighter than the other directions, “and see that. But we’re in the country, or at least as country as I can get. But, look at the stars,” Tony didn’t look up, but Winter did. The stars were beautiful. From what he had learned while he was researching the smallest things mentioned by anyone he spoke to on the phone before, he looked into stars. They were so very far away, yet they were bright enough, hot enough, to cast their light all the way to them. 

“They’re nice,” Winter said, “but… it’s also mostly unknown.” He saw Tony nod, but it could have also been him shifting for a different reason entirely and he read it wrong. “And unknown means dangerous, and dangerous means I’m going to stay as far away from it as I can,” he whispered. 

“I used to love them, ya know. When I was younger. I wanted to see space up close, I wanted to build a spaceship and see what was out there… not so much anymore. I’ve seen it up close, and it’s really not as nice in person.

“I think I know what’s out there, or at least a small portion of what’s out there, and whatever it is, it’s not pleasant. You’re right, it’s dangerous. But, from here, taking out all the unknown and terrifying factors, they’re alluring. I would be jealous of stars, they’re brilliant, bright, and they tend to make people happy or consider the unknown future, make them want to learn and explore what’s possible, but when the brightest stars die, they can implode and destroy everything around them.” 

Winter released Tony’s hand and sat down on the ground. The concrete was really cold, and it chilled him, but it would be worth it, hopefully. Tony looked down at him, and he motioned for him to join him. Tony sat down. 

“There are different kinds of stars, though. If you are saying that a massive star will turn into a black hole, then you are forgetting the possibility of it becoming a neutron star. It’s not exactly a glorious ending, it’s not very memorable, but it’s a possibility,” Winter paused for a moment, he wasn’t sure what was actually being said here. Was there something being said without it being said? That happened sometimes. It happened often in the East Wing, people were always upset with each other for something that nobody would talk about, and James was particularly poetic about his suffering (even if he didn’t suffer any more than Winter had). “Are you scared of destroying everything around you?” 

“Where’d you get that idea?” 

“Am I wrong?” Winter asked. Tony’s physical response was defensive and dismissive enough to let him know that he was talking about himself. 

“No. Do you know how it feels to-- you probably do, actually. To feel like even though you’re trying so hard to not break everything, it’s inevitable. That there’s just no other option. The failure. That’s what everything will amount to in the end, not the victory.” 

“Why did we come to look at the stars?” Winter asked. 

“Well I was going to talk about you, but then I do what I always do and made it about me. I’m sorry.” 

“What did you want to say about me?” 

“The exact opposite of what I said about myself,” Tony said. He looked so sad. Winter wasn’t sure what to do with that, but he took Tony’s hand in his again. Tony’s hands (or hand, since he could only hold one) weren’t soft like Nate’s baby hands, they were rougher and warm. 

“You let me talk to you about whatever I wanted for three months, almost every night for the entire night, I don’t really know what to say, but I’ll listen to you talk for as long as you want, about whatever you want. I may not always give you feedback, but I’ll listen,” he offered a small smile, “besides, I like hearing you talk. To me, I mean, I have my own body, it’s… nice.” 

“Yeah, you’re own body,” Tony said quietly. His demeanor changed, from the broken, honest person he was then, to the more boisterous person that Winter was, honestly, more familiar with. “The night is still young, I suppose. I bet the kids aren’t even racing to bed before Nat comes out to check on them. You weren’t usually out yet, this early, but I have an entire compound, and if you really want, we could go out, but I’m not sure if you’d want that. Either way, what do you want to do? I would probably waste away in the workshop without everyone else, but it’s nicer than it sounds. It’s not even as messy as Laura likes to say it is.” 

“We could go to your workshop…,” Winter was trying to consider the possibility that Tony’s workshop was like HYDRA’s labs, but he doubted it. They were completely different with completely different purpose. (Was it wrong to hope it was more like HYDRA, just for something to grasp onto, something that he knew? He had been living with James for almost a year, and he was still desperate for someone to just tell him how to live because it was difficult doing it on his own. Even more so now. But it was also easier, because now James wouldn’t complain and yell at him for hours for going back, or for needing the safe - for lack of a better word, because HYDRA was definitely not safe - space to feel like he had just something to hold onto.) 

But then, Tony took him to the workshop. And Winter had been glad that Tony seemed to fair better against going down the stairs than he did going up the stairs. Either way, when Tony opened the door to the workshop, Winter wanted to cry, just a little bit. He walked in, and Tony was talking to him, telling him about some of the things, at some point, he started to look nervous, but Winter was so focused on everything else. It was… it wasn’t exactly like HYDRA, but it was similar enough to feel comfortable, because it was familiar, and because, unlike HYDRA, this place was  _ safe _ . 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I hope you enjoyed that chapter, and thank you for reading. 
> 
> Update next Saturday, maybe? Probably a little sooner but somewhere around there.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Winter's blunt, and Tony's thankful that he doesn't need to talk in circles around him. 
> 
> Oh, and Baby Nate loves Dino-saws.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's been a while since this fic got updated. Thankfully, I actually have chapter four written, but I've also been writing and re-writing chapter five forever, but hopefully this'll tide you over for now while I try to figure out how I want this to end -- the problem is that I don't want it to end, but I know it needs to, so yeah, that's fun.

Winter had been working with Tony on a new arm for weeks. It had been a little over a month since he got his body and was kindly welcomed to the West Wing. It was odd how open and friendly people were, especially considering how they often spoke of how much they disliked the residents in the East Wing for what they did, referring to the whole ordeal that led to Siberia. Of course, Winter wasn’t entirely responsible for that, since he hadn’t really been let free until The Words, and then was quickly forced back until his arm was removed. He had actually mentioned that to Tony, and Tony just told him that he understood. If he was getting attacked, his arm blown off, and then thrust into a body that he hadn’t had control over, to top it all off, he would have likely reacted similarly. But despite Tony’s words, he apologized. He really was sorry, he didn’t… he didn’t mean to hurt him as badly as he found out he had been. 

In the same month, he had met Loki, who was cautious around him, just as he was around Loki. Loki called him a predator, and Tony promptly scolded him because it made him sound like a ‘pedophile’, but either way, Loki knew to stay away from him and Winter knew to stay away from Loki in turn. They didn’t often cross paths anyway. Winter was more likely to spend time with Dr. Banner than Thor, and Loki visited with Thor more often than not. 

Actually, the month had been busy by his standards. Compared to what James had done on a daily basis, his life was far more interesting now. He would go upstairs with Tony for breakfast where Natalia would sometimes greet them with food, they made her tea, or they were jumped on by one of the other residents who claimed Tony, in particular, needed to sleep and Winter needed to eat. Either way, they were typically pampered in the morning, and Winter had no problem with it. 

At first, it had been odd for people to care so much about him. Whether it was what he liked or disliked, or other small details that even he didn’t really take into consideration. Details that he still hadn’t figured out. And he still hadn’t figured everything out, but people did care about him here. He, of course, also cared for everyone else in return. It wasn’t hard to like them, they were mostly pleasant. There were bad moments, but everyone had those. Also, he had been told to not take things personally sometimes, and it was difficult, but he was getting better at deciphering whether someone was trying to just hurt him because they were having a bad day, or they were really insulting him because they didn’t like him or want him around. It was a slow process, but Laura explained that many adults don’t quite have it down, and that it’s much harder in practice than it sounded in theory. 

After the morning, it wasn’t uncommon for him to go back to the workshop with Tony, but he did go with Natalia to drop the kids off at school once. That was a newer thing. He got dressed and listened to the kids grumble about how much they didn’t like school as they got into the car and then Natalia joined him. She drove fast, and dangerous, but he noticed that it was much safer than what she could have been doing, and it was all legal, well, sort of. He knew, from watching the interactions between Natalia and the kids, that she cared about them, so it made sense that she’d get them there on time, and only put them at minimal risk to do so. She was amusing, though, and the kids were typically more content to get out of the car if Natalia had just scared them with her dangerous driving. 

When he got home, he would join Tony, if he had even joined Natalia that day. 

In the workshop, he mostly sat in the back corner on the futon that seemed like it was rarely used. Beside the futon was a small bathroom. He could watch the chaos from the futon, and he did spend a lot of his time there watching as Tony made the future, but he read often, too. He read romance novels, but he liked the ones with happy endings, so he tried to stick to those. Laura told him her favourite few and Natalia called them a pair of stay-at-home moms more than once. He still wasn’t quite sure what that meant, but he could admit that he and Laura were similar. (Even if it sounded odd at first, they really were alike in more ways than he originally thought.) 

Tony was running around the workshop, although he’d deny it, and doing a million things at once. He tended to either hop to different projects, never being able to keep the attention to finish one, or he would hyperfocus on something and not realize that ten hours had gone by while he was busy. At first, he received texts from Natalia telling him to get food for him and Tony, but he had gotten used to just going upstairs and doing it for them himself. And if Natalia watched him from the doorway with a smirk, well, he could ignore her and her weird looks. What did smirks even mean? There were so many different types of smiles and smirks, the face had so many muscles, and could make a variety of faces that he hadn’t yet been able to categorize completely, but he was getting better (didn’t mean he knew what Natalia’s smirk meant, though, and he wasn’t about to ask her). 

Even if he did get food for them, it was difficult to get Tony to eat. It was best if he set the plate to the side of where he was, when he hyper focused, and he would grab it and eat it, although Winter wasn’t sure if Tony realized that he was eating or not, but that’s not something you could forget, right? When he was running around, it was better to call him over to eat with him at one of the desks. Tony would spend most of the time talking about all his ideas, and then he would shove most of the food in his mouth and go back to whatever he decided to work on. It was a trait that Tony had said people thought were annoying, but he thought was endearing. 

Then, they went up for dinner with everyone who could make it, which was most of the residents - although sometimes Dr. Banner was missing, he seemed the most likely to be missing, but Peter was also gone often. But he knew that Peter didn’t live there full-time. 

It took a lot of effort and patience to get Tony to part with whatever he was doing to go upstairs, but he had figured out that if Carol was mentioned, or even Laura, he was easier to get upstairs. He didn’t know why that was, but he didn’t want to think too deeply about it. 

They would eat dinner together, and they would all talk in small groups. He had been too nervous to talk to Carol and Jim at first. They were both intimidating figures, and he felt guilty about Jim’s legs because he and James were the whole problem. But then he did manage to speak with them, and Jim was similar to Tony in his ideas of the never ending amount of possibilities, and Carol was like Laura with her schedule. They were actually very nice. Carol was strict, but she was very interesting. She was also prone to laughing at Jim’s bad jokes (or at least Tony said they were ‘bad jokes’ he didn’t know what that meant because plenty of people laughed at them) and Jim was more likely to talk about Tony doing something ‘stupid’ in his youth, like when he spent months working on his robot, DUM-E, to the point that Jim had to drag him to sleep every week and toss him in the shower and hope he came out clean. 

Vision was also someone who was nice to talk with. He, like Winter, was learning, but Vision didn’t have the ability to allow someone who knew about the world to being in the same body as him. That’s how Winter had learned so much despite it having been a rather short amount of time. It’s how he got used to people in general, too. Even if it hadn’t been the best sort of people in the beginning. He and Vision would often talk about their rather difficult situations involved in their creation. Vision had been created on accident. Originally, he was supposed to be the body for a malevolent android who wanted to destroy the planet. And Winter was created as a coping mechanism and safeguard between James and the torture inflicted on him by HYDRA. 

After dinner, he would sometimes stay with Vision, who was always eager to talk to someone about anything related to becoming more human. Or he would stay with Natalia, who mostly went to the gym to train. When he went with her, he got up on the rafter beams and controlled the music through FRIDAY. He overlooked her, and even though he wanted to comment, he didn’t. He didn’t want to fight, he didn’t want to be involved in that anymore, and he often argued whether it was appropriate or not to offer any sort of training to Natalia, especially after they had been together in the Red Room. He didn’t want to bring back memories that couldn’t be pleasant. 

Or, he would go with Tony to the workshop. 

Sometimes, mostly after days and days without sleeping, Tony would fall asleep at his desk or sitting on the floor, leaning against his Iron Man armor. Winter was always nervous to move him, because what if he woke up, but he typically put him on the futon to let him sleep more comfortably. Natalia was similar, although he couldn’t move her without waking her up, he knew that, so he just left as quietly as possible and made sure to ask FRIDAY to warn everyone that Natalia was asleep there. 

Sometimes, he would fall asleep on the futon, and he would wake up with a blanket over him, or he’d wake up to Tony shaking his shoulder. 

Typically, when he had a nightmare, Tony would wake him up. Apparently, while he slept, he could start moving and/or talking, and it was nothing pleasant. He had woken up to scratches at his neck, made by him, that he couldn’t remember making. He did the same for Tony, because he would sleep easier after being woken up the first time. Natalia, though, he didn’t want her to react badly, so he typically just made a noise at a safe distance from her, that would wake her up. She, like he sometimes did, mostly woke up ready to fight, but she was quickly brought back to reality with her surroundings. Unlike the openness that he and Tony had, Natalia would typically get up and leave back to the room she shared with Laura without saying anything at all. 

When that happened, he felt the worst about what he had done in his past. Yes, he did lots of things that were ‘wrong’ but he saw Natalia suffering and he felt like maybe, if he hadn’t been so hard on the girls, if maybe he hadn’t forced them into fights, she wouldn’t be suffering. He tried to reason that if he hadn’t trained the girls, then more cruel teachers could have trained them in his place, and that without his training, they would have died on their missions. Logically, he knew those things were true, but he also knew that emotions weren’t always logical. 

At the end of the month, Tony had fitted him with an arm. It wasn’t the ‘final product’ he said, but he admitted that Natalia wanted him to help her with Lila and her contest coming up. He hadn’t been informed of what he needed to do, but Tony had also admitted to wanting to make him an arm that wasn’t going to even think about breaking, even though Winter didn’t know that arms could think anything independently, and it would take him a while, and he wanted him to have his arm back because he felt guilty over blowing the other one off. That was an odd day, and Tony had been awkward for hours after he attached the temporary prosthetic, but after spending the night in the workshop together, things went back to normal and Tony showed him all the actual designs for a permanent arm. (And if he admitted he wanted his star back, Tony didn’t do anything beside silently add it to the design. Didn’t even argue about how it was a symbol of his days as HYDRA’s puppet, as James had done when the arm and/or star was mentioned.) 

***

It had been over a month without contact from the residents in the East Wing. Or the North Wing or the South Wing either. Except Loki, of course, but he came to their Wing, not the other way around. He was hoping he could keep up the streak of not seeing anyone else, but he and Natalia were out, one Saturday afternoon, with Lila. They were having a shooting contest. There was three hundred dollars for the winner waiting in his back pocket. They decided he should hold the money because he was, at least according to Natalia, more likely to act fairly based on talent. He did remember giving the winners of the contest the candies he could steal from the scientists and other staff. He wanted them to feel like they were getting something out of their training beside bruises. Also, he would admit that he was probably the most likely to admit defeat in a friendly contest and easily give up what he had to the winner. 

But then Natalia had told him that they were going to give the money to Lila no matter what happened because she had an actual competition coming up and she wanted to win against them, since that nearly guaranteed that she would win against other archers (he and Natalia were some of the best shots with any weapon in the world, or so Natalia had said). He could agree that he and Natalia were very skilled, but he had never used a bow to actually execute someone. That didn’t mean he didn’t know how to use a bow, though. He had been trained to use anything and everything. He could kill someone with a penny if that was what he had to do to complete his mission. Wasn’t that a scary thought? Details like that made him feel like maybe he was a monster like the people in the East Wing said. Like James said. He had done some pretty horrible things. He was almost guaranteed to hurt someone wherever he went at least once. He had done that already. He hurt Natalia, and he felt so horrible about it since she was trying to help, but he had been asleep and she woke him up -- that’s why he decided it would be best that he didn’t wake her up because she was likely to react like he had, with violence born from horrible nightmares. 

He and Natalia were using compound bows, which he had been taught how to use specifically in preparation to teach the Widows (since he was created in the fifties, which was before the compound bow was invented) everything he knew. He was constantly being taught and forced to train with everything they thought necessary for him. Which was everything available to use as weapons, that included everyday objects as well as actual weapons. He did like the bow he was given to use. Mostly because it was very bright. It wasn’t like the ones he had learned with. It was neon green with pink strings. Natalia had one that looked like her own due to its design. It had a red hourglass on it, the Black Widow symbol. Of course, he didn’t own any weapons, but Natalia was still a reserve fighter, so it made sense that she had her own weapons. Also, if she practiced often with Lila, it would make sense that she would have her own bow to use - since he doubted she used a bow in combat. 

They had three targets. There was the standard bullseye targets, one closer and lowered to the ground, and then one farther away at a higher level. There was one of each for the three of them, making a total of six targets. Then there was a single target for the three of them to shoot at, which was a small bird-house-like box with a reflective piece attached to so it was more visible for unenhanced eyes, hanging from a string off a tree branch. 

“Ready?” Natalia asked. 

“Yeah. You say when we start,” Lila said. He nodded over Lila’s head at Natalia. They all stepped up a bit, to stand at the lines drawn. They then drew their arrows back, between the d-loop and hooked the release aid to it (specifically because Lila used a release aid, so it was partially for fairness and partially for example). Natalia counted down and then they shot the targets. Lila, for her ten years of age, managed to hit the first target in the center. Winter was pretty impressed and then they went for the next target. That one was harder, but Lila still hit it. Not in the center, but he hadn’t expected her to be able to hit it at all. She was ten, and she hadn’t been rigorously trained like the Widows. Then again, he noticed how seriously she took her archery. She practiced often, and she clearly had the skill and talent. They aimed at the box, and then, they released and the box went flying to the ground one moment, Natalia had hit the string holding it and then shot it as it fell. Winter, having seen this, shot two arrows. One at the box that was still attached, which hit, and then another as it fell. That hit as well. 

“Holy shit! How did you guys do that?” Lila asked. 

“Practice, padawan,” Natalia said, “and don’t say ‘shit’. You know your mother would lecture me if she heard you say that. Now, let’s go collect the arrows and then we can try again, if you want. I think you’ve got it down, but practice never hurt anyone.” 

“I didn’t know you shot a bow. Mom never mentioned it,” Lila said. It was directed at him. 

“I was never fond of the bow during my times as… when I was still an active  _ agent _ . They are inefficient and impractical when guns are available. Either way, I was taught how to use everything.” She looked so amazed. Which was adorable. It was the same way that Nate looked when he thought Winter had done something amazing, like the time he ‘rescued’ his stuffed animal from on top of the TV, where he had thrown it. Or Cooper got that one time he handed Winter a controller so he could ‘fill in’ for Peter, who was out that one day because his aunt was off and they were going to spend time together. Cooper said, ‘don’t die’ and he didn’t. Of course, he didn’t really know what he had done, he had shot and killed the other players. They kept coming back, though, and Cooper told him that they had to protect the payload (and pointed at it because he had no idea what that meant), so he did that. They won, and Winter didn’t really know what they won, but Cooper was very happy and impressed. 

“Can you teach me?” She asked. He looked over her at Natalia. She shrugged. That was unhelpful. 

“Sure, if you want. Natalia can assist me, right?” She rolled her eyes. 

“Yeah,” Natalia said, “I’ll help you out. Arrows?” She pointed out. They set their bows down and went to collect the arrows. Of course, they were the only ones outside when the ‘contest’ began, but when they were walking back to their lines, arrows in hand, Winter saw people walking closer. He knew from the red that Maximoff was with them, and he knew that it could only be one group of people. “Ignore them, both of you.” 

“What if they try to start something? Can I shoot them?” Lila asked. Winter saw Natalia hide her smile. So he wasn’t the only one who found her honest question, a question about whether or not she could shoot someone, amusing? That was good to know. 

“Let’s go with ‘no shooting,’ for now,” Natalia said. Lila let out a deep sigh and Winter was trying to keep from focusing on the people approaching. It went without saying that they weren’t supposed to be here. They were off the side of the main practice field, and they had even booked the practice field so that nobody would disturb the practice, since they weren’t shooting where Lila typically practiced. 

“What are you doing here?” Lila asked, putting her fist, her fingers closed around arrows, against her hip. She held her bow in her other hand, and it looked so large compared to her. The arrows were almost as long as her arms. She took a step towards them and then moved over, standing in front of Winter. That was so sweet. So nice. He wanted to do the exact opposite, placing her behind him to keep her safe. 

“She’s right. What are you doing here?” 

“Can’t talk to your old teammates, Tash?” Barton asked. His tone, though, wasn’t as pleasant as the question. “And you’re letting  _ him _ help with Lila? That’s messed up and you know it.” 

“He’s not hostile. He’s no threat at the moment.” 

“He’s holding a weapon! What the heck, Natasha? Is this something Tony suggested? You know it’s not--” Rogers was saying. Winter wanted to talk over him, make him stop talking, but Natalia beat him to it. 

“Yes, he’s holding a bow and he hasn’t raised it despite you all ready to fight him. He’s  _ not a threat _ , and he has the best aim. We wanted to give Lila some actual competition. She’s getting better, but it’s not like you’d know,” Natalia looked as blank and empty as he had ever seen her. She looked like she had back in the Red Room. Cold. Apathetic. 

“I’m sorry, I’ve said it a million times by now, and nobody seems to want to accept it. And I know you’re all close to Laura right now and jumped on the ‘Clint’s an asshole’ bandwagon, but I expected a little bit of sympathy. You let them go. You aren’t innocent either.” 

“And I accepted my punishment,” she turned to Lila, “you go get someone inside, alright? Winter and I got this handled, but we may need a mediator.” Lila nodded and dropped the arrows in the quiver resting on the ground and bolted toward the West Wing. 

“He doesn’t even have a name!  _ Winter _ ? He’s obviously the Winter Soldier. He’s dangerous!” Rogers said. 

He saw how Rogers’ argument and Barton’s own displeasure were different. Rogers was beside James, and he must feel slighted somehow, otherwise he wouldn’t be as upset as he was. They hated the Winter Soldier, they hated him, yeah, but they had learned to deal with him since they wouldn’t single James out. But now that he didn’t have James and the others restricting them, he felt powerless. And Barton was upset about Laura and the children obviously. He had heard how much Laura had loved him, but then he left one too many times, except he hadn’t come back for them, so she left and joined forces with the people she knew could keep her children safe. She said she had been a spy, and offered those skills to the reserve Avengers, but she was more focused on keeping the kids safe, which was easiest surrounded by a whole lot of capable superheroes. 

“Alright. We’ll deal with one issue at a time, alright? You feel pissed because Laura left you because you were a dick, well, sucks to be you,” she said to Barton. She then turned to Rogers, “and you want to do something with your boyfriend’s other half because you think he’s some dangerous monster. He’s not. End of story. We booked the field, it’s our until six,” she pulled out her phone and showed them the time. It wasn’t even four in the afternoon. “As you can see, we still have time. So, please leave.” 

“She’s saying please now!” Barton said, turning in a circle with a groan and a dramatic motion with his hands. “Look, just let me see my kids. They’re still mine. I’m still their father!” 

“According to Judge Petrovsky you’re not, and you have no right to see them. They’re under the full custody of Laura, and if you want to see them, you need to speak with her about that.” 

“Well god dammit Natasha! Just let me see them!” 

“I’m with Laura on this--” 

“Why are you on her side all of the sudden? You were my friend first. This is bullshit,” Barton had stepped closer, and Natalia looked ready to tackle him and beat him to a pulp, but the tightness of her jaw showed that she was trying really hard to avoid that. 

“I’m with Laura because she’s right. You left them, you ran from your punishment, and now you’re back demanding things to be the way they were, but they’re not. Things have changed and none of you seem to know it.” 

“At least keep  _ him _ away from them. You know better than any of us what he can do. You  _ know _ he’s dangerous, and yet you’re out here with Lila acting like he isn’t some…  _ monster _ . If he’s what’s the Avengers have brought in, then I don’t think I  _ want _ to be on this team!” 

“Well, that’s easier for me, isn’t it?” Carol said from behind the group. They turned to look at her, and she walked between the part they made for her. She looked angry. “I thought we were all adults, but it seems I’m talking to children. Now, as leader of the team you don’t want to be in, I think I’ll let you go if you don’t want to be here. I mean, it’s no skin off my back. It’s not like you’re really that useful anyway. And  _ you _ ,” she looked at the other five people with Barton, “know better than to come out here and harass my team.” 

“She’s not even on your team!” Barton had gotten red in the face, he was angry, but Winter didn’t feel all too threatened by him. He could always render him incapable of fighting. It wouldn’t be pretty, and he’d probably be feeling horrible for a few days, but he could. Whether that was a good idea to do in front of the others, well… they were looking for a reason to have him executed. They wanted to prove that he was a monster like they thought he was. 

“She’s on the reserve team, and she is an integral part of screening incoming recruits. Everyone has their place, and you’ve seemed to have forgotten yours. You want to leave so badly, then please, leave. I’ll make sure you’re tucked nice and tight into The Raft,” she walked to stand in front of Winter and Natalia, “just  _ give me a reason _ , Barton. You six are dismissed, and I expect you know better than to pull something like this again.” 

“Ms. Danvers--” 

“Captain.” 

“Fine,  _ Captain _ Danvers, it’s part of our duty to protect the civilians living in this compound for any threats. We’re just doing  _ our job _ ,” Rogers looked surprised that Carol hadn’t yet shut his argument down. 

“You can continue, Mr. Rogers.” 

“Captain.” 

“Don’t push me,” Carol said, and Rogers didn’t want to argue about that. So he seemed to be smart enough to take the chance. However, what he was about to say wasn’t smart at all. 

“Alright. Well, uh, you haven’t fought with him. He’s… dangerous. If he hasn’t attacked, then he will. He shouldn’t be around the kids, and Tony. I don’t even know what he did to get Tony to like him, but… look,” he motioned at him, Winter, “he’s HYDRA, he’s been HYDRA. He was created by them. How do you not consider him a threat. And I get why Clint’s angry. His kids are hanging around with  _ something _ like  _ him _ . It’s just, I know you think we’re bad at being heroes, but Bucky and I have been in the business for far longer than you. We  _ know _ when someone is faking it. He’s not… he’s not hero material. He’s just… he’s just… he’s  _ using _ you. That’s all he does, and if he’s not, then he’s waiting to be used. That’s all he knows. He’d kill anyone if someone else told him to do it.” 

During that entire rant, Carol hadn’t said a thing. Winter couldn’t see her face, but the fact she hadn’t turned to attack him or said anything to agree with Rogers made Winter hope that she wouldn’t believe him, but what if he was right? If someone took him and said ‘let’s go back to how it used to be’ would he go? If they said ‘kill Laura’ for example, would he do it because it’s all he had known before his chance to do better, to get out? He didn’t know, and he wanted to be sure, but what if they were right. What if he was a monster, and he was just faking it? What if he was deluding himself into thinking there was any chance of being a better person? 

“That’s why he’s safer staying with us. If someone were to take him, do you think we’d be the only victims? Do you think random people would be his only victims? What about the fact that he doesn’t want to do it? He’s safer here, with us, where we can watch him, and protect him. He’s the little guy. Those are the people you so blatantly protect, but because you don’t like him, he doesn’t count, right, Captain America?” Carol nodded when nobody said anything, “Good. We’re done here. Lila’s coming back out to practice… and I suppose you can stay here, but you can’t harass them. This isn’t off limits, although it is booked, but that means no training in the field, and nobody will be forced to do anything they don’t want to.” 

That seemed like the right thing to say because the others all agreed, and then they set up behind them. Winter was uncomfortable letting these people get behind him, and when he looked to Natalia, he was sure she felt similarly. Lila came running out with a box. She set it on the ground beside her quiver. 

“I got juice,” she ripped the box open and handed him one, and one to Natalia, and one for himself. “They’re all grape, but the only orange we have is in a pitcher and I didn’t want to bring it outside. These work for you guys?” 

“Thank you,” Winter said, and she smiled at him. That was the first smile he’d gotten from her. She crushed the little box in her hand when it was empty and put it by the box with the others. 

“Alright, we know you can get the first target, let’s see if we can’t get you to get the second one as well,” Natalia moved this time. She set her bow down and went to Lila. There was the typical nudge to keep her elbow up, even if it was only slightly low, and then he heard Natalia talking to her. It was soft, but it was all on how to hit the target. Then, she took a step back. “You shoot first, Winter.” 

Winter aimed and took the shot. It hit the center, and Natalia went to explain how that happened, and why. Then, she had Lila try it. She got closer. Even that, though, was impressive. He would shoot his bow as many times as needed if it meant she would get it, too. Even if the weapon was inefficient, this was more for sport than for practical use. There were comments, and finally, after an hour and a half, Barton got upset. 

“Stop. Stop! It’s wrong, you’re wrong,” he said standing up from the ground where he had taken a seat and went to Winter. He touched his arm and Winter pushed it away. 

“What am I doing incorrectly?” 

“What the hell? Hand me to bow,” Barton said, “or am I not allowed to teach the field I’m an expert in?” 

“Not to me,” Winter said. He looked at how he held the bow, when he drew an arrow back, that was correct too. What was he doing wrong? “Is this not how you shoot a compound bow?” 

“No, it is, but you can’t shoot it like that.” 

“Why not?” 

“Because your hand,” Winter looked at his hands. It was all perfectly correct. He didn’t know what was wrong. What was wrong with his hand? “It’s lighter than her arm, so it’s unfair and impractical to have her shoot after you. If she can’t do it, then she can’t do it, but the fact you can and you are just--” 

“My arm weighs ninety-six pounds, actually. It’s much heavier than her own, and she is getting closer each shot. Repetition is a good way to find the correct way to do something. And to see someone else do it, well, they can imitate and then do it themselves. You can do it, though, if you would like,” he handed Barton the bow, and he struggled to keep it up for a second. (He may have put some force behind it, but not enough to hurt him, so it wasn’t wrong.) Barton changed hands and took Winter’s place. 

“I meant it was lighter  _ to you _ . You can lift more than she can,” Barton said before picking up an arrow and drawing the string back. He shot it, and it hit the target. “Same with me, but at least I’m a normal human. Better that way. Don’t want to hold her to impossible standards and all.” 

“What impossible standards?” Natalia asked. “If you forgot, I’ve been teaching her for years and I’m not a baseline human like yourself. So, why does it matter now? We don’t hold to her to any impossible standards. She could miss the mark by a mile and we’d still do the same thing. She’s learning. She doesn’t need to be babied, she needs to learn.” 

“Yeah, and how exactly did you learn? Last time I checked it was in a hellish facility that gave you nightmares, but whatever, it’s not like your old teacher is here it is? Oh, wait, he is! And my daughter isn’t gonna be some Black Widow, Natasha, she’s gonna be a normal kid.” 

“She’s just practicing for a contest, we’re not drilling her or anything,” Natalia said. She crossed her arms and he could see how Lila looked up at Barton with the same sort of anger that Natalia did. “And can you truly say that my instruction wasn’t effective? It was, but I’m not someone who would inflict that on another person, ever, and I think it’s entirely unfair that you even mentioned it. At least I didn’t learn by a bunch of clowns.” 

“That was low and you know it!” 

“And what you just brought up wasn’t?” 

“It’s not untrue.” 

“And neither was what I said,” Natalia looked at Winter. What did she need? She looked down at Lila, and he nodded. 

“Hey, Lila, can you go inside? Time’s almost up, but we can practice again tomorrow, if you want. You’re gonna win that contest if it kills us,” he pulled the three hundred dollars out of his back pocket, “and this was actually from winning the competition earlier.” 

“I didn’t win.” 

“No, but considering I’m super old and Natalia’s a super spy, you beat us in the long run. Just trust me and don’t spend it all in one place, like Cooper would,” she nodded, taking the money and putting her arrows back into the quiver. 

“We’ll bring in all the arrows a little later,” Natalia said and kissed the crown of Lila’s hair before she left. 

“Yeah, you  _ are _ super old. But Cooper owes me another twenty!” Lila tucked the money partially into her wallet and walked away. He noticed that the children, excluding Nathaniel, would often make bets. Lila was typically the winner of these bets, but he never really knew what they bet on, only the exchange of money. He wondered what they had bet on now. 

Lila was gone, and the smile that both Winter and Natalia put on for her disappeared. 

“For someone who’s supposed to be some legendary assassin you lack tact,” Barton said. “She obviously knew we’re gonna fight.” 

“We’re not going to fight, actually,” Winter said. He crossed his arms. “We’re going to go get our arrows, and take them, the bows, and the box back inside. You and your friends, hi James, are going to let us do that. For someone who had the honour of Natalia’s friendship, you sure are stupid aren’t you? How did she put up with you for that long?” 

“She was trained by being around a bastard like you.” 

“Maybe. But considering I wasn’t permitted to speak during training, I’m not sure if we actually knew each other. Our skill set, yes, enough to know that we were dangerous, but I wasn’t much of a person back then, I’m sure James told you all about it--” 

“I told him about it, too,” Natalia said. “When I trusted him to keep my confidentiality, I told him about the Red Room, and he’s bringing it up just to win some pissing contest between you and him. Guess I shouldn’t have trusted a spy, huh? Funny story, I’ll make sure to share yours with all my new, better friends. Let’s go Winter. They’ve said what they wanted to say, they’ve come for whatever they wanted, it’s best we just leave. These ass monkeys don’t know when to call it quits.” 

He followed Natalia out to collect their arrows. He caught an arrow flying at him as soon as he turned back around to go back to the line. He caught it, and clenched it so tightly it snapped in two in his hand. Natalia ran back to Barton, grabbed the bow Winter had been using out of his hand and hit him in the shoulder with it before grabbing the box in her hand. Winter carried the broken arrow with him in the quivers he picked up and took inside. He didn’t speak with Natalia, but he knew that she had been upset because of Barton. Then again, from what he knew of Natalia now, she was on the edge between wanting to be thankful to the Red Room for training her and giving her the life she had now, bad times included in all, or wanting to hate them for turning her into someone,  _ something _ , that she hated more often than not. To bring up her experience was wrong, but Barton had a point. He was scared because Winter was in such a close proximity to his daughter, and with his track record, or at least what little Barton knew, he had a right to be. He wouldn’t hurt her. He knew, now, that the Red Room had been wrong, everything he had done with HYDRA had been wrong for some reason that he still didn’t fully understand. But he understood it enough to know that it was wrong and he shouldn’t do it again. 

Natalia took the quivers from him. 

“I’m going upstairs. I think I’m gonna stay up there for a bit. Can you tell Lila I’m sorry that she had to deal with that?” 

“I can,” Winter watched her leave up the stairs and he went to throw the box filled with empty juice boxes away. He found Lila on the couch in the living room with the boys. She looked over the back of the couch at him, and he saw that they were sitting around a piece of paper with numbers. “What are you guys doing?” 

“It’s our list, Mr. Winter,” Peter said. Winter didn’t know if he was supposed to know what it was, but he didn’t have a clue. Nothing like that had been mentioned before. “Lila said she saw you watching our transactions, and she said we should tell you so you don’t feel like you need to tell Laura about it.” Why he could call Laura by her name, but couldn’t call anyone else anything but Mister and Missus, left Winter confused, but he decided a week or two earlier that Peter was just peculiar like that. 

“It’s where we keep a record of our bets. Over the past two months we’ve made eighty-two bets, and I’ve won sixty-one of them,” Lila said. “I’ve also made over a thousand dollars in prize money, and the boys have lost the same amount.” 

“Interesting. What do you bet on?” He asked. He took a seat on the couch beside them, and he looked at the paper. There were sentences in shorthand, that he didn’t understand without looking closer at it, and they were mostly crossed off, but there were still some left uncrossed out. 

“Well, we bet on everyone else, mostly. Not things like if it’s going to start raining because that’s too easy, but how many times Thor can burn poptarts in a single day, or how many times you’re flirted with without noticing it, stuff like that.” People flirted with him? He may have forgotten what ‘flirting’ was, it sounds like an odd word, but how would he not notice it? He noticed how many poptarts Thor could burn in a single morning. His ‘high score’ was seven, but to be fair, the last time also fried the toaster so maybe it hadn’t been burnt until then. Nobody would ever know. 

“Oh, yeah. That sounds fun, uh… what is that, though?” 

“Flirting?” He nodded. What else would he be talking about? Peter snickered and Lila laughed before she looked back up to Winter. 

“ _ It has different definitions, should I give you all of them? _ ” FRIDAY asked. Lila frowned a second later, he didn’t know why, FRIDAY was always so helpful. 

“Please?” 

“ _ Flirting, gerund or present participle of flirt. It is defined as ‘behaving as though attracted to or trying to attract someone, but for amusement rather than serious intentions.’ It is also defined as ‘experimenting with or showing a superficial interest without committing oneself to it seriously.’ It can also be used to mean someone who deliberately exposing themselves to danger and/or difficulty. And finally, it is also defined as ‘a motion a bird makes when it opens or shuts its wings or tail with a quick flicking motion’. _ ” 

“Thanks, FRIDAY,” Winter said. Nobody did any of those things… “I don’t know how any of that is applicable? How do you notice it?” 

“Uh… it’s sort of one of those things you just kinda know,” Cooper said when Lila opened and closed her mouth a few times, not saying anything each time. “We’re talking about Tony, specifically. It’s like that time when he implied to sex you up. Actually it happens a lot. Like, twenty times everytime you guys are out of the workshop together.” Winter tried to take that in. It still wasn’t clicking, but he could pretend it did. 

“Oh, right. So, what bet did you win earlier?” 

“The one that said Natasha would defend you in the inevitable confrontation with the Rogues.” Lila must have meant the people from the East Wing. That’s what they were called? That made so much sense in hindsight. He had thought there were just an entirely different team all together, but he was usually busy with Tony, so he didn’t like to eavesdrop because of privacy and all that. 

“Oh. She did, didn’t she?” He stood up, “Speaking of defending, I’m going to--” 

“Go to the workshop?” Lila asked, effectively cutting him off. 

“Yes.” 

***

Of course, in the workshop, Tony was busy, so he sat on the futon in the back and watched him. He would look away anytime Tony looked in his direction, but he would turn back. He was doing something that had him wearing giant gloves despite his tank top not efficiently protecting him like the gloves did. He was pouring metal? It had to be. He was doing something with that. He finished whatever he was doing there, and took the gloves off and went to his desk. He opened a few emails, none of which Winter read because  _ privacy _ (and wasn’t privacy irritating sometimes?), before he noticed him. It had felt like a long time, but it hadn’t been nearly as long as it was sometimes. Only a few hours. 

“Hey kitten,” he sat down on the corner of the futon, “Carol sent me an email. You alright? I heard they were just being their usual irritating selves, but I know they don’t like you, and they like to hurt the people they don’t like very much.” Tony’s hand went to his chest, and then he smiled at Winter and touched his knee with his other hand. “But, I also heard that you, Lila, and Natalia were having fun, or at least that’s what Lila told her.” 

“We did have fun. We didn’t get very far as I feel we could’ve gotten had we not been interrupted, but she’s excellent. I was very surprised by her ability. She’s so young, and she’s already very good with her bow. I know she has different types, but I hadn’t thought her so capable. I still think they are inefficient weapons and could easily be replaced by a gun, but they do have a sort of gracefulness, I suppose. For sport, not for practical use.” 

“I’m glad you had fun. I’m sure Lila was excited to spend some time with you. I’ve heard that the kids like to gossip, and you’re one of the new people that they don’t know entirely. I mean, Laura starts it all the time, but the kids notice more than we think they notice,” Tony didn’t have any idea about the bets then. “So, I’ve started to cast the plates for your arm, and by started, I mean, I’ve already done it. I would have built them like I built my suits but, the plates are important for a lot of things that I wouldn’t be able to make if I did it that way. Also, I wanted to try the casts out because I’ve made them before, but I’ve never really used them too much. And I got your dimensions from your other arm to make this arm, so I already had everything ready. It’s going to take a few more months, but if I didn’t have to go upstairs, I could cut some time from that.” Tony obviously wanted him to not take him upstairs to get him to eat and drink things beside toast and coffee. 

“I can wait a few months.” 

“Alright, but I did give you the option,” Tony said and then he flopped back on the futon. “Speaking of not going upstairs, I think it’s getting too hot down here. I mean, I have everything properly vented, but I need some ice cream or something. You wanna join me?” 

And that’s how they ended up on the roof with ice cream. Winter thought they sky was much nicer during the day, specifically when it was overcast. The sun was too bright, but the clouds covered it then, and it would rain sometimes, it hadn’t rained since he got his body, but it would eventually and he wanted to run around outside in it. He had felt rain, but it had been on missions. It washed away evidence, but it wasn’t like he left a whole lot of evidence behind. He was trained better than that. 

“Don’t cross the streams!” Tony shrieked when he stole a bite of his ice cream. Tony then scooped ice cream from the quart container in his hand to his mouth. They were grown men eating quarts of ice cream and stealing bites from each other’s container. It was actually an extremely pleasant way to spend his time. 

“I like this one, more than I like yours.” Winter was eating cotton candy ice cream, and Tony had some choice names to call it, none of which were nice, with the added comment that it was Dr. Banner and Dr. Strange’s favourite, and how it must be a ‘doctor thing’. He said he was classy and ate caramel-cookie dough ice cream. Winter didn’t see the correlation between class and ice cream, but it was still amusing. 

“Well that blows the doctor theory out of the water, and playing doctor totally doesn’t count. Speaking of playing doctor, I’m eighty-percent positive that Bruce never even thought about sex until Thor showed up, that man was wound so tight, but since he came back with Thor, well, he’s not been as bad as he used to be. It’s actually really good for him. I’m not the biggest fan of Thor, and I hate to admit it, but Loki’s cool, but he’s Brucie’s boyfriend so I have to be nice to him now,” Tony sighed, “I can’t even say his hair’s dumb. And his hair’s not dumb, but Thor doesn’t know that I don’t  _ actually _ think it’s dumb. Oh, and they apparently have barbers in space. Which, considering aliens exist, makes sense, but that wasn’t one of those things I thought about when I think about space. I don’t say, ‘oh aliens are real and also they have alien barbers too’ because that just wasn’t even a thought in my mind, and there are lots and lots of thoughts up there,” Winter watched Tony talk. He did talk often, and Winter hardly minded. 

He liked that Tony could talk because that meant he didn’t have to. He prefered to verbally tear people down in his head, Tony said it was normal to do that, but that he usually just told them up front because everyone expected him to be an asshole. Winter had to disagree about a lot of things that Tony said about himself, but then again, he didn’t tell that to him, at least not often. It seemed to make Tony uncomfortable whenever Winter told him that he was actually a really selfless person and his personality was great and Winter liked him a lot. He hadn’t really delved into what that made him uncomfortable because he could just not say it, and save a lot of trouble in the process. 

“... You’re being awfully quiet today. More so than usual,” Tony set the ice cream down, “did something happen? If the Rogues pulled something after Carol then I swear to Thor I’ll make them wish they were never born. Carol will back me up. She likes you, and so does Rhodey. They’ll get their asses handed to them and we’ll get to watch it happen from the safety of the workshop, too.” 

“No, they went after Natalia more than me, actually. I hope she’s feeling alright. It was a really horrible thing to just say that in front of everyone when she had trusted him to keep it confidential.” He was almost to the bottom of the container, while Tony still had half a container left. He looked down at his hands and then he looked out over the compound. “What’s flirting, Tony?” 

“What?” Tony took a second and picked his container back up, “Well, it’s like… you’ll know it when you see it, don’t worry. Is that what was bothering you? Did I say something that--” 

“You asked if you did something. As in, you think you were bothering me by flirting. So you do flirt with me, right?” 

“Uh, yeah I guess, but I can stop it, I mean, I sorta always kinda give people nicknames and c’mon you’re so cute like a kitten and you’re so… you’re so… yeah, I do. But I meant it. I can stop it if you want.” 

“No. I just didn’t realize until Lila pointed it out,” he said. So it was just a superficial interest, for Tony’s amusement. He didn’t like the way that thought made him feel. Tony wouldn’t do that, though, Tony was so nice to him. He was nice to everyone in the house. Winter wasn’t sure if Tony saw it or not, but everyone in the house cares for him. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be,” Winter said. “It was just a question, you don’t have to stop it… I would prefer if you didn’t stop it, actually.” 

“I can do that,” Tony held his ice cream out, “you want the rest of this?” Winter accepted the ice cream. He felt bad because he knew what it looked like when Tony shut down. It wasn’t like he shut down, as if he were a machine, it was like the way Natalia shut down. He just hid everything that was really happening in his head with the same smile he gave to the press. The same one that graced his features on the covers of magazines and the works. Just hid behind his smile, just as Natalia hid behind her scowl. 

“Tony, I’m sorry.” 

“Why?” 

“Because you’re thinking about something that is unpleasant, and I feel like maybe I caused it and I don’t want you to feel bad because you’re my friend and I care about you a lot. So, I’m sorry for making you uncomfortable,” he could still get away with saying what he actually meant because he didn’t do it often, and when he did, he could pretend that he didn’t know enough about it to be held responsible, but he didn’t know better about this, and he felt bad. He wanted to tell Tony everything that ran through his head but… he didn’t want to make him even more uncomfortable. If this happened because what he did say, then what would happen if he said everything else on top of it? But, maybe it would be easier if he just told him everything. Just report it, give facts, details of his facts, that was so much easier to do and receive than the complicated emotions that people typically felt. If everyone just said the truth, then things would be so much easier. “Can I tell you the truth, real quick? Just the facts? Like a report? It would make things easier.” 

“Yeah. Sure,” Tony looked like he expected something mean being said -- something that would upset him, or hurt him. He really hoped it would do any of those things. Maybe he shouldn’t do it, but he already said he would, so he couldn’t just take that back because then it would be uncomfortable for Tony. What if Tony decided that they shouldn’t be friends, and then he didn’t know what to do. He wouldn’t want to become a burden to him. 

“I really like you, and earlier I asked Lila the same question, what flirting was, and FRIDAY defined it for us. The first definition was this:  _ behaving as though attracted to or trying to attract someone, but for amusement rather than serious intentions. _ And then I went to spend time with you, and then we were eating ice cream, and then I asked you about it, and then you said that you were flirting with me, and I don’t like that because I don’t want it to be for your amusement, I want it to be real, and I’m sorry, but I thought that maybe I said too much, but then I thought that if I just said it all, then it would be easier for you to understand, because I know you were upset, and I… I’m sorry.” 

“Alright. I’ll be honest, that was not what I was expecting, at all,” Tony smiled, it was genuine this time, “but I’m glad that it wasn’t what I was expecting. I’m so glad that it wasn’t what I was expecting, actually. I think you’re more upset about what you just said than I am.” Winter wasn’t sure what just happened, because Tony looked happy, and he just told him everything, and Winter thought that maybe… he wouldn’t react positively. That he would either think it was weird, the way he just said everything without any tact (he did lack tact, it wasn’t like he was allowed to talk all that much when he was an assassin) or that he would think something else, he really didn’t know what else, but something that wasn’t that. Wasn’t Tony smiling at him, and not the same smile from minutes ago, it was… it was Tony’s smile, the one for everyone in the house. 

“Alright,” Tony said, “I guess I’ll do the same, then. Because you look like you’re terrified of something. I was okay with doing what we’ve done for the month you’ve been here, in person, and the three months we spent trading texts, but then I thought that you wanted me to stop flirting, which I guess I have been doing. And, honestly, at this point, I’m like this with most people, although I have been more so with you. I thought that maybe you didn’t like it, that’s why you brought it up, like maybe you didn’t know how to tell me to stop without hurting my feelings because you’re sweet like that and care about my feelings, but I’m glad we did this truthful heart-to-heart, and I bet this is the best I’ve ever gotten with communication with people I care about, but I really like you too, and it’s not for my amusement. I really do like you, and I really… how do I say this without sounding like I’m trying to take advantage of you, which I’m not!” 

“You want to be the Laura to my Natalia, right?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Alright. We’ll do that then,” Winter said. Alright, this went so much better than anything he could have thought about being possible. Maybe he was too pessimistic. Although he was pretty realistic, or so he thought. At this point, he knew that the world wasn’t the best place. There were lots of bad people, lots of people who wanted to hurt others, like he used to be (even though he didn’t really have a choice), and he knew that everyone in the house cared about him, like he cared about them, but… he liked Tony more than that. They did know each other for three months before he got his body and they did stay up almost every night with each other. Back when Tony was  _ Pchela _ . 

“We should do this ‘honest report’ thing more often. It’s surprisingly effective,” Tony said. 

“I agree.” 

So, Winter ate the rest of the ice cream and listened to Tony tell him all about how he had made the perfect toaster, but he hadn’t been able to Thor-proof it yet and how he would have to figure out a way to Thor-proof everything they owned, really. He also watched the sun set. He liked the sun set more than he liked the stars, and he liked watching the sun-rise just as much. 

They went back inside, and it was dark outside by then. It was nearing ten, which meant they probably missed the giant dinner that would have happened, but to be fair, they could tell Carol that they had indeed taken a break from the workshop and eaten, because they had. When they walked through the living room to get back to the workshop, he saw Natalia. She was sitting in the living room alone, and she had her tea with her. She didn’t look up at them, but he knew she heard them. She had to have. They continued walking, and Winter revisited how he felt bad for doing what he did in the Red Room. 

Thankfully, Tony was explaining things to him, so he could focus on Tony instead. He didn’t know everything he was talking about. He was speaking very fast, and there were some words that he had no idea the meaning of, but he listened to it all the same. Something about the way he had originally tried to have Rogers’ shield melted, but that it was near impossible to melt it, but that it had given him the idea to make a similar type of alloy so that his arm would be just as indestructible. He mentioned how Dr. Banner, Dr. Cho, and Dr. Strange all helped him with the actual anatomy of the arm, the inside and how to connect it to his nerves since they had been damaged, but that his current arm wasn’t even near as ‘awesome’ as the arm he was making would be. 

Then Tony worked on something while he went back to try and figure out what words he used and what they meant before he went back to the novels he had. He had read about flirting there! But it was just sort of used to take up the place of dialogue. He didn’t really know what it meant, the books were vague and assumed everyone knew what flirting was, which most people did, he was the odd one out here. Either way, he understood that easier now, although he really read romance because they were typically neutral and safe when it came to content. It all followed the same sort of structure, and the ones he read were typically fantastical with romanticized pirates or vampires, not really about assassins, torture, and brainwashing. Although he had stumbled on a few odd ones, but he wasn’t exactly sure if it was torture or not. Thankfully he had Laura select other books after that. He was drawn to ones that Laura wasn’t exactly sure of, and he decided she probably knew best. 

Then the morning came, and they went upstairs where Winter got busy making coffee and tea. He gave a very sleepy Lila a glass of orange juice, because that was her favourite, and Cooper was sitting at the table, or lying on the table partly because he had his forehead pressed against it. He handed Tony and Laura their coffee, and Natalia her tea. The small human, the squirrel-human, Nate was against Laura’s hip and he was already trying to get at her coffee. She and Natalia left quickly after that along with the kids. Peter must have gone to his aunt’s during the night, which would make sense since he’d be closer to her if he went ‘patrolling’ as he seemed to do as often as he could get away with it. Carol came in from outside and greeted Vision, who was coming in from upstairs, so he probably spent it in his room. He eventually took a seat because Carol had a schedule, and he didn’t want to interrupt that. She would wake up early, go on her run, drink a bottle of Gatorade, take a shower, come down for coffee and whatever she could find for breakfast (one of the only moments she seemed to not have planned), and then, depending on if it was an odd or even day, take Jim to physical therapy or go directly to the training rooms to meet with whatever recruits and/or team she would be assisting in either scoring and deciding whether they are truly considered for the Initiative in the case for recruits, and for teams, she typically didn’t tell them what happened there, but probably nothing pleasant since they had a simulation room that could actually do damage. 

That day she went to the training room, and Jim joined him and Tony to tell them about his dreams, which was amazing because Jim always had such interesting dreams. They hardly ever made sense, but they seemed to be fun. 

“... and then there was this cat, but I was like ‘why is this at the end of the rainbow?’ and then it turned into a giant robot, but I had super speed, so I was bolting out there, and then rings showed up, and don’t laugh Tony this is very important to the plot, I turned into Sonic and ran into a mountain, which I destroyed, but it was cool because the robot exploded behind me and it turned into a shit ton of cats. Of course I just knew that they weren’t dangerous, so I picked one up, it was cute and all, but I was more interested in the people coming out from the rubble of the mountain I destroyed. Now  _ they _ were weird. And then I woke up,” Jim waited for them to respond with raised eyebrows. 

“So… these cats?” Winter asked, causing him to laugh. 

“Of course that’s where you go. They were all different colours. There were normal grey ones, orange ones, black ones, white ones, and tons of combinations of those, but at least two of them were blue, and not like the grey-blue cats can be, I mean blue as in Carol’s suit blue. There were other colours, but I was focused on the mountain people.” 

“Were they like you-and-me humans or were they like mole-people?” Tony asked. 

“They were like us.” 

“I bet there is at least one city of people that live underground,” Tony said a moment later, “I mean, there  _ has _ to be. We live with actual aliens, underground cities seems relatively normal compared to that.” 

“I’m gonna go upstairs and get my braces so I can go out with Carol, Avenger stuff, you know how it is, and I want you to think about your last sentence. ‘Normal,’ haha.” 

Jim left to the elevator and Tony sighed before pulling the second coffee mug toward him from where Vision set it down. Vision sat down with them. He was quiet, and seemed content to settle in the silence. Quiet and Tony didn’t mix often, and Tony started to come up with theories of the people who lived underground (because Tony seemed convinced they existed) and how their society could survive. Living from the heat of the Earth’s core rather than the sun, and having alien plants that don’t even need sunlight to survive. 

Eventually, Natalia and Laura came back, both dressed, with Nate from dropping the kids off at school. Laura made toast while Natalia held the toddler. Everything seemed so nice. Calm. There was no need to be hyper vigilant here, he was because he couldn’t turn it off, but he still felt like he could relax. Natalia ate the toast Laura gave her, ripping a slice in two so Nate could hold it better, and Laura was eating toast as well. 

“Good morning friends!” Thor said. He walked into the kitchen with his slippers still on. “Bruce and I are going to go out today. Would any of you like to join us?” 

“Where are you going?” Tony asked. 

“Well, he said something about a museum and dragons, or something. Either way, it seems like it will be fun. Perhaps you and Winter could join us. I’m sure Bruce will be giving me the extra details, and you could do the same for Winter!” 

“What do you think? Wanna go see something about dragons?” Tony asked. 

“Should I… be outside? With other people?” 

“If you don’t want to, we don’t have to, but I don’t think you’re about to go rogue on us. I know you can do it, but it’s up to you. But if we do go, I need more coffee, and probably a shower, to be honest.” 

“Alright, we can go. I should also shower and get dressed.” 

“When do we leave?” 

“At eleven.” 

“Great. We got time, then,” Tony said. He finished his coffee and went for more. They were going out at eleven. Winter hadn’t been out of the compound yet, and James wasn’t allowed out either since the first two months were restricted to the compound, and the next nine months were restricted to New York, and then the last month they were restricted to the United States before they would be reevaluated and either cleared of the charges, found guilty and sent to the Avengers on another semi-probationary period, or they were charged and sentenced to time in the Raft or a place like it. They could leave, now, but they had to stay within the state, and the first month of being allowed, while being in James’ body, they had reasoned that he shouldn’t go out because of him, but now he was going out. 

He went to get showered. His hair was hardly any longer, but he couldn’t wait until it was long again. He didn’t like it so short. He got dressed. He had clothes to go out in. Sweats weren’t exactly what everyone else wore out, Thor, Dr. Banner, Natalia, Laura, and Tony were the people he was talking about. Even Thor got dressed in jeans, at the least. So he dressed in jeans, tied his boots and pulled on a long sleeve t-shirt. It was going to be nice, at least he hoped it would, and he didn’t need weapons, even if he was terrified to go without them and get attacked. He tucked his phone in his pocket (which he now charged with a charger, rather than FRIDAY). 

He met Dr. Banner, Thor, Natalia, Laura, and Tony in the kitchen. 

“Do you mind if we come? It’ll be fun, and maybe having people you know will make you feel less nervous,” Laura said. She was right. She was almost always right, actually. He nodded and she smiled. She handed him Nate, who was immediately ready to hold latch onto his shirt and talk to him. It was adorable, and his puffy cheeks! He was so adorable, all the kids were, even Peter because he was so adamant about not being a ‘kid’ but then doing childish (by Jim, Tony, and Carol’s standards, at least) things. 

“We sees dino-saw-s, yes?” 

“I think so,” Winter loved his fluffy baby hair. It wasn’t so much that it was fluffy so much as he had a large head compared to his body, and his hair was super soft and thin which made it look fluffy. 

“Do you like birds?” 

“Some of them,” he answered. Nate nodded his head. 

“Winter likes birds,” he said and patted his chest before clenching back onto his shirt. “Winter likes birds.” 

With that said, they walked out to the parking garage and Dr. Banner and Thor decided that they would probably ride with Laura, since she was driving, and Natalia. The task of getting Nate to let go of Winter’ shirt was a little more difficult than deciding who was going with who. Nate screamed (shrieked, really) and held onto Winter as tight as possible. They were all, even Winter, trying to get him to understand that they would meet back up. It got to the point that Winter was riding with Laura, Dr. Banner, and Nate, while Thor, Natalia, and Tony took Tony’s car. They were going to the American Museum of Natural History. 

Winter noticed out of the corner of his eye, that James was there, already leaning against a car, but he tried to ignore him. They wouldn’t be that tactless and follow them. There was respect for some of the people with them, like Dr. Banner and Thor, that would keep the Rogues away. Right? 

Dr. Banner sat in the front seat with Laura, while Winter sat in the back seat next to Nate, who was buckled into his car seat. 

They got there after Tony, Thor, and Natalia. There were already a few people standing around with their phones out. Thor was waving at these people, while Tony and Natalia seemed like they had more than enough of the media and just wanted to do something without being surrounded by people wanting pictures. They parked near them, and Winter carried Nate with him to them. Dr. Banner was quickly, holding Thor’s hand and hiding himself between Thor, who towered over just about everyone on Earth because he was a giant, space viking (thanks Natalia - she told him what that was, and he agreed with her description). They walked into the museum. Winter was nervous, but honestly holding onto Nate was a bit soothing. (He hadn’t noticed anyone tailing them, but that didn’t mean much when he was only partially focused since Nate demanded his attention - Winter didn’t mind at all.) Nate was looking around and already pointing at things. Tony had already given them just about everything he bought for their trip, even if Dr. Banner had been adamant about buying his own. 

So, they got inside, and Winter felt a little bit like what he thought Thor and Nate must be feeling. There was so much happening. The good part about being with Thor and the others, specifically Natalia who looked like she could start maiming people at any second, kept people from crowding Dr. Banner, Laura, Tony, and him (and by extension, Nate). 

“I take it Nate wants to look at dinosaurs first?” Tony asks. 

“Yeah! Dino-saw-s!” Nate reached out for only a second to try and grab Tony’s shirt and then he put his hand back up to his mouth and rested his head on Winter’s chest. 

“Alright. Do we want to stick together?” There was a round of nods and Tony did what he did best and took control of things. He and Dr. Banner were constantly talking about what they saw on the way, what they saw when they were there. It was amazing how much they remembered each, but when they were together they could give more information than even FRIDAY on some of these things. Winter had to hold Nate back from trying to get out to touch the bones, and Nate was still too young for the room for children to actually touch and interact with things. 

The inevitable split between the group had happened earlier than Winter expected, but that was fine because Dr. Banner and Thor wanted to see space, so they could trade information, or so Dr. Banner said, and Tony did not. 

Nate was satisfied when they went to the exhibits with birds. All sorts of birds were on display, and Nate’s favourite were penguins. He was very vocal about his life of ‘pen-gins’ which had them all laugh about one of Tony’s many stories about others, but specifically Dr. Strange and his inability to say the word. However, they moved on, and Nate was focused on reptiles now. He, like the other exhibits was trying to reach out and grab things. It was easier to handle all the people around them when he could focus on making sure Nate didn’t actually get to anything. 

Then they moved onto mammals. They went from American mammals to African mammals to Asian mammals to primates and finally small mammals. All of which Nate had wanted to touch. It felt like they had been there for hours, but it had been fun. It had actually been hours. Going on four hours. Nate was so tired that he was handed to Laura who took him. She thanked Tony for letting them go with them, and then she and Natalia left to pick up the kids from school and get everyone home. Tony and Winter were left alone for the first time in what felt like a long time despite it not having been all that long. Four hours was short compared to the hours upon hours they could spend doing other things. 

Tony lifted his arm and placed himself beneath it. 

“You’re taller than me, I can hide here, it’ll be fun,” Winter let out a weak laugh, he didn’t think Tony having to hide anywhere would be fun, but he did like Tony this close to him. “Let’s go look at dragons.” 

They went to look at the dragons, and the other mythical creatures and their origins that were on display. They found Thor, but that wasn’t hard, he was talking about the Asgardian dragons, as well as a variety of other creatures that had people looking at them funny. They went to them. 

“Ah, friends Tony and Winter, where are the ladies?” 

“They went home. Nate was tired and the other two needed to get their ride home. Ya know how it is, school and stuff,” Tony said, “but you can continue about Jormungandr?” Thor nodded and then he continued talking all about these things. Of course, the questions about Loki being the parent of this ‘monster’ was quickly ignored, which Winter found odd, but he wasn’t going to push for anything there. Thor and Dr. Banner left with them following close behind. 

“Brucie, let’s go get some coffee. Has Thor ever had a frappuccino? Well, that’s an important part of Earth that he needs to discover, you too Winter.” 

Tony was driving, but he said it was ‘tame’ compared to how he usually drove. This made Winter wonder how he was alive. He was going far too fast, but Dr. Banner had his eyes closed and he was humming. They did get to a place, and they got out of the car to get these drinks Tony decided were part of Earth culture, and they all sat down near the back. Tony got up to order them drinks. Dr. Banner wanted some tea. Tony came back a minute later with four drinks. He handed the tea to Dr. Banner, and then a tall drink to Thor and another to Winter before taking his own. 

“I think they almost had a heart attack when they saw us. They were quick, too, I’m extremely impressed. Hardly had to wait,” Tony drank his own drink, and Winter looked at his. It was warm and while it was still autumn, he still wanted to be warm. It was hardly cold, but nobody said anything about it, and he appreciated it. He waited a little bit, he didn’t want it to scald him, but when he did take a sip of it, he decided that he liked it. 

“What is it?” 

“It’s an Apple Spice Latte. Do you like it?” 

“It’s really good,” he said, “really sweet.” 

“I’m glad you like it. What about you Thor, you like it?” Tony turned to Thor who was already half done with the drink. “I take it you like it a lot. It’s just a mocha frappuccino. Glad you like it, though.” They got back into the car, and Tony drove home. Of course Dr. Banner did the same thing as before, but instead of worrying about crashing, he took the time to look out the window. 

When they got back to the garage, there were people in the place where Tony’s cars were lined up. They stared at each other, and then Tony sighed and looked to Thor. 

“Can you go get them out of here, big guy?” 

“Aye,” Thor got out of the car, and went to the others. They were arguing before they moved to the side, all of them, and Tony pulled up and pulled the keys. They got out of the car, and Thor looked at him, but went to get Dr. Banner. He had never been afraid of Dr. Banner, at least not because of an immediate threat from the Hulk. He had never been near him before the transformation, but Tony waved at Thor who picked Dr. Banner up and walked him out of the area and down the stairs. He could understand why putting him in an elevator would be a bad idea, but it seemed much faster. 

He and Tony were standing there. Rogers, Wilson, and James were there. They had obviously been waiting for them. But what was so urgent they had to go to Tony for it? And if it was about him, then they should leave Tony out of it, he was hurt by all of them, including Winter, but at least Winter had been sincere with his apologies, and he was trying to do better now. He was doing better than he had been a month ago, at the very least. If not for the last four months, since he was more relaxed when he knew he had people he could talk to at night, even if he had to deal with James’ daily life too. 

“What’s wrong now?” Tony asked. He placed his hands on his hips. 

“We just wanted to talk,” Rogers said. “Can we talk alone?” 

“No. Winter stays. What do you want to talk about? Couldn’t you have sent me an email or a text or done literally anything else beside meet me in person?” 

“It’s important. Too important to let into the wrong hands,” Rogers looked to him and then back to Tony. Tony reached down to hold his hand. That was sweet. He wasn’t going to let Tony stay by himself anyway. He knew Tony could take care of himself. He knew it very well, but he also knew how  _ persistent _ Rogers and his ilk could be. It was… had it been for a good cause or reason, he would have admired his drive. But he wasn’t, because Rogers didn’t have either of those things, he was just persistent, which was very irritating. 

“Let’s just get it over with. What do you want to talk about?” Tony said. Rogers didn’t say anything. He looked back at him and then back to Tony. “Spit it out. I have a lot to get done and never enough time so stop wasting it. Now, what do you want to talk about?” 

“That was reckless. A lot of people could have gotten hurt, and why? Because you’re trying to humanize him? Bucky’s told me all about him, he’s not who you think he is,” Tony looked back at him for a second before rolling his eyes. Rogers continued, “He’s not what you think he is. He’s dangerous. I don’t want to see anyone hurt, that’s all. You’re my friend. I care about you, even if you don’t care about me. Alright. We all care, you were our teammate. You can stop siding with him to get back at us. Message received. We’re sorry. We’ve all said it a hundred times and you just keep ignoring it, but I can’t ignore you accidentally causing someone’s death because you’re trying to get back at us. He’s the one who needs to be in the Raft.” 

“Oh my god, it’s been so long. You’re still on the anti-Winter bandwagon? Step off your high horse, Rogers. Your precious Bucky isn’t innocent in everything either. Winter did some bad things, sure, but at least he didn’t lie to me about them. At least he didn’t pretend to be my friend for  _ years _ , belittling me the entire time, and then use thousands of dollars to search for someone who murdered my parents. Winter didn’t do that, he didn’t do those things.  _ You _ did. And I doubt it was Winter back there. I hate to say it, but Winter is much more graceful than you Barnes. He’s also more  _ efficient _ . If it was him, there would be a lot more corpses, so don’t try to blame him for your bad decisions.” 

“You just admitted that he kills people! That he has no problem killing people!” 

“No, I said if he was put under the same conditions, he would have done more damage more efficiently than any of you combined. Now, if that’s all, I’ve got stuff to get done. I’m not exactly in the mood to burn any witches, unless it’s yours, then we can burn her for days, hell, we’ll roast marshmallows, but since I don’t think that’s what you want to do, then we’re going.” 

“Dammit Tony!” Rogers punched Tony’s car and the glass on the driver door shattered. “You just can’t let go of things, can you? I’m trying to warn you, and you’re just ignoring everything I say. You’re just twisting things. That’s why you should have never been an Avenger to begin with!” Tony looked at his window and tugged Winter’s arm. 

“Let’s go. I’m done here, and if he’s not, well, sucks to be him, I guess.” Winter turned, placing himself between them and Tony. There were no sounds to indicate that they were making any move to attack them. They managed to get out of the parking garage and back to the compound. Winter was still drinking the latte he got, but he forgot about that when Tony walked, with him, straight to the elevator to the lab. Once they were in the lab, he set the drink down before stopping himself from doing what he wanted to do. He knew, logically, that there was no way Tony was injured, but he felt like they had just been in a fight and should anyway. He didn’t actually make a move, at least not beyond a quick tensing his muscles before he relaxed again. He probably looked rather odd to Tony, but he didn’t seem to be focusing on anything. 

“Tony…,” he said. He wasn’t entirely innocent in all of the past mess either. He hadn’t done as much damage as James had, but he had done more than enough for years before they even got free. 

“No, look. I’m sorry. I know you probably don’t like hearing that, and I said it anyway, and I shouldn’t’ve and I’m sorry. But… you were the one trained, right, not Barnes?” Winter nodded. That was not what he thought Tony would say. “Yeah. I knew it. He has the reflexes of a sloth, which was a big sign that he wasn’t hyper vigilant like you, which would be a necessity if he had been the one out, huh? So, he’s pretty much a normal guy then. Serum and World War Two sniping aside.” Winter didn’t know for sure, but he was pretty sure that James wouldn’t be able to do what he had done so often, if not because he wasn’t skilled, then because he was too invested in his morality. He nodded and Tony sighed. “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.” 

“After the arm… after you destroyed the arm, James retreated… I… the end, that was me. I’m so sorry. I fought to get away from Rogers and the King, too, but they used something that,” he sighed, “it was like the Chair. It made all my muscles tense, it was horrible, and then James was telling them to put us back into cryo, and when he was sedated, I came out, and I tried to get out. I didn’t want to hurt anyone, and I don’t think I did, but I didn’t want to go back, but… I’m sorry. It was me. That wasn’t him.” 

Instead of pulling away and reaffirming the idea that he was a monster, Tony put his hands on his shoulders. Gently, not holding him, just resting there. 

“I don’t want you to blame yourself for that. Yeah, I don’t like it, I definitely didn’t like it when I thought I was going to die, but I had just blasted your arm off, I understand. Especially if you were forced into a pre-existing fight with no warning,” Tony seemed so sincere. “But today, you did really well. Nothing bad happened while we were out. You’re not giving yourself nearly as much credit as you deserve. In just over a month you’ve gone so far. You’re doing better than me, and I’ve been around for a long time.” 

“Do you want to work on something?” He asked. Winter wasn’t entirely sure how to accept what Tony had just said, so he just changed the topic, even if it was abruptly. He had learned a lot, he knew that, and he was glad that nothing had happened while they were out, but he had been trying very hard to keep things in check. He had been aware of everything from the fact Nate was acting as a rock to the perfume from the random woman three exhibits away, during the museum trip. The cafe was, he could admit, done well on his part. He had been trying to not jump, because normal people didn’t react to every little thing, most people couldn’t even hear things that loud in relation to the distance from which they hear it. He had done well. He could give himself that. 

“Honestly? I think I want to spend the rest of the day on the couch, or the futon even. We could just relax. You’ve done a lot more socially than you normally do, and I’m just  _ tired _ .” 

They spent the next few hours on the futon. It wasn’t something that happened often, but he did get to see Tony sleep on the rare occasion. Typically asleep at his desk or elsewhere, but he was on the futon with him. He didn’t want to sleep, he only slept when it was absolutely necessary to continue functioning at an acceptable level. Which meant he was able to defend himself if he needed to. He had slept a few nights earlier, so he was good for a few days, but that didn’t stop him from taking in the time with Tony. He was reading on his phone, like he so often did, and Tony was asleep behind him. He had tossed the blanket on from the edge of the futon over him because the workshop was kept pretty cold, but if Tony got too hot, he could always just kick it off of him. It’d be better to be warm rather than have no warmth at all. 

He didn’t want to wake Tony after four hours because Tony needed the sleep. He sent a message to Laura saying they wouldn’t be to dinner because he didn’t want Tony to wake up alone but he also didn’t want to wake Tony up because it wasn’t often that he got so much undisturbed sleep. She told him that she would let Carol know so nobody came down to make sure they hadn’t lost track of the time. He went back to reading. He had finished the latest book, which had been long enough to take him a couple of days, although he hadn’t been reading all day like he did sometimes (with breaks to bring Tony food), when Tony finally woke up. It was barely two hours after he texted Laura, but he was glad that Tony still got those two hours to rest. 

“What time is it?” 

“Almost nine,” he said, and then he set his phone down. He turned to face Tony. “Did you sleep well?” 

“Better than usual at least. I must have been really tired, didn’t even dream. Thank god for small miracles, amiright? You’ve been here the entire time? I don’t want you to stay behind because of me. You don’t need to give up what you want to do because of me. Actually, please don’t do that.” 

“Actually I just wanted to finish my book, and you were a convenient way to get out of dinner. Staying with you was just an added benefit,” he said. And he hadn’t been telling the truth, not entirely, but Tony smiled and sat up. 

“I see. How was your book?” He seemed like he woke up in a good mood. That wasn’t too common either. 

“It was like the others. Lots of romance, you know how it is.” 

“Any smut?” 

“I’m not sure I’m thinking about the same thing you’re thinking about. What is that, again?” 

“Sex. Graphic sex, actually,” Tony folded the blanket that had been over him. “I usually stick to those ones, if I’m in the mood for romance, anyway. But really it’s just erotica veiled behind a romance label so housewives can read them without looking indecent in front of their friends from the neighborhood gossip circle.” 

“Oh, not in this one,” he said. He had read a few like that though. Those were also the ones he had chosen on his own, but the ones Laura recommended didn’t usually have anything like that in them. Although Winter often thought that the main character, usually a female, got with someone who didn’t love them for the right reasons or someone that didn’t really make sense because of their glaring incompatibility. Maybe that was a common trope, because he saw it a lot. The protagonist got with the wrong guy or gal. 

“But you have read them? I would have never suspected that,” Tony stood up and walked to the desk where he left his phone (for being someone so into the future and being connected, Tony didn’t usually sleep with his phone, and when he did it was because he had fallen asleep near it, no other reason, really). He checked it and sighed before putting it back down. “Read anything with vampires yet?” 

“A few things.” 

“I like those ones. Call me crazy, but back in college I read vampire-romance novels when I could get some free time. It was sort of nice, but I haven’t done it too often. Don’t have time to read just to read. I usually read academic articles and the like. Do you want to come upstairs and get some food with me. We can come back down here if you want, but I really want peanut butter and toast, and I don’t know why, but I do. You can tell me about your story, if you want. I like how simple everything can be, or how complicated people could get. I like to think I’m pretty well balanced.” 

They went up the elevator. It was more common to go down the stairs and then up the elevator because of the exertion it took to go up stairs. In the kitchen, Tony made himself toast and covered it in peanut butter and walked to the table and ate that with some coffee. Winter made himself some coffee, too, although it wasn’t as sweet as the coffee from earlier. The TV was on, and the children were arguing over who got to play next. Taking turns was very difficult for them. 

He was telling Tony about the story he had read, and Tony nodded along. 

“... and then she got with him, but the other guy, the better guy honestly, came back and said he loved her, but she wanted to be with the guy that I don’t really like. Why do they do that? Why do they get with the wrong guy and why? I read this one about this girl, and she was spied on by this other woman, and then they sleep together, and then the main girl and the spy girl decide that they love each other, and spy girl decides to defect, and then spy girl’s sister is kidnapped by the bad guys and they have to go get her, but they’re also on the run because the rival company wanted to steal her files and she burned them… it was such a mess, but I don’t understand why the characters got together. She would have been better off with her friend from the beginning. She was adorable, and yeah, she had a boyfriend, but they could work something out.” 

Tony was staring at him. 

“So, that doesn’t sound like something Laura would recommend at all. Where did you find that?” 

“Oh, I found it myself. I was reading a few but they weren’t exactly stories with happy endings, but Laura sends me the ones she likes now, but before I was reading lots of things like that. There was one about vampires, too, but it was sort of silly because what kind of vampire works in a tattoo parlor, and why? He was a super old, rich vampire working as a tattoo artist, and the other guy was a model so I didn’t understand that at all,” he said. Tony smiled at him and got more coffee. 

“Sounds like you’ve got plenty of ideas on your own. You could write them, you know. I’d read a book by you,” Tony was walking toward the door, and Winter went with him. They went to the workshop, and Tony had stayed silent during that time. Once they were in the workshop Tony went to his desk. He opened up the drawer and dug around for a moment before he moved to a different desk and did the same thing. He pulled out a laptop and a charger. “This was my laptop, but I don’t use it. I have tablets and FRIDAY, which are easier, but it’d be easier for you to write with this. If you want. You gotta charge it, but it’s fully functional. It’s about a year old. And I have to work on making a better laptop if I want to keep up with the competition, and I have to make an outstanding laptop to blow my competition out of the water. Of course, I only make outstanding things, which at the time, that laptop was.” 

“Thank you,” he took the laptop from Tony and the charger. He went to an outlet and plugged it in, then hooked up the charger. 

“No problem. Maybe I can make you one that runs with an arc reactor, I think I wouldn’t mind you having one more of those in your possession.” 

“One more? Is there one in my arm?” 

“Oh,” Tony said. He turned back to his desk and then sat down at his main desk before pulling up a plethora of designs for what looked like things powered by arc reactors. “There’s two in your arm, well, the one I’m currently building. But am I wrong to trust you with it?” 

“No. Of course not. I’ll keep them safe. I’ll keep  _ all _ of them safe,” he hadn’t said his current arm, so there probably wasn’t an arc reactor in this one, but he held it to his chest anyway. There would be an arc reactor there soon enough. Only a few months, at most. 

“Good. I actually didn’t want to give you some outside powersource anyway, I wanted it to not have to be poked at or anything to run. You deserve better after the pain you suffered with the other arm. I’ve read all about Princess Shuri’s findings on your arm. It had to have hurt pretty bad for a pretty long time.” 

“It didn’t hurt that bad, once I got used to it. James was always complaining though, it hurt him,” he said. Tony sighed. 

“Well, this arm won’t hurt at all. You shouldn’t have to get used to anything painful, you shouldn’t have to suffer for no reason. Or at all, really. Let’s keep you suffer-free alright?” Tony turned and smiled at him, “And hopefully, you’ll actually enjoy everything that the world has now. I mean, we can always stay home, but if you want, I could always just buy a place for the day, so it’s just us, but I think you’re better at handling things than you give yourself credit for. But that’s alright, too, because just about everyone here does the same thing. Except me. I’m awesome with people.” 

“Thank you, Tony, for… everything, really. I feel like I don’t say it enough because really, I’m… so grateful for everything you’ve given me. I didn’t think I’d have anything like this, I was sure I would be stuck with James for the rest of eternity, but you found a way to solve that issue,” honestly, Winter didn’t know how to properly express that, because what did he have to offer in return? He didn’t have anything to give, but that didn’t change the fact that Winter had a life now because of Tony, because of Natalia, because of everyone who didn’t absolutely hate his entire existence. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Hope you enjoyed this chapter!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So it begins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I still don't have a beta, and I'm too attached to really see this story in the proper perspective to edit it (or that's how I feel at least). I'm also still working on chapter five because I'll be honest and say I've been working a lot, and I typically come home, eat, and then go to sleep. But, I have been reading, so I'll try to actually update because it's really not fair to not finish this. 
> 
> I'm still stuck on how to continue with chapter five, because it's nearing the end of the story by then, but I'm not sure how I want to end it (if I had my way, I'd never end the story and just find more and more things to write until the end of time, but that's not the best way to tell a story, ya know?). 
> 
> Thanks for reading, and please forgive my grammatical errors.

Despite it having been another month, their relationship didn’t change much. Practically nothing changed between them, and he was completely alright with that. He liked the way Tony was with him. It wasn’t until he and Laura were outside with Nate, while Cooper, Lila, and Peter were at school, playing on the patio off the side of their wing when he thought anything had changed. He had read plenty of romance, but they were very sweet, and gentle, at least Laura’s were, and that was most like him and Tony. He also hadn’t wanted to push for anything, he had so much because of Tony, because of the willingness to offer him what he never thought he’d have. 

Nate was sitting between his legs, rolling toy trucks down his lower leg, or leaning back and having him play with his stuffed animals with him. Nate was spoiled (or so he had been told by Laura), because he had two different collections of toys.. Outside he had a chest full of things, including a bag of messy, stuffed animals that had seen the washer and dryer far too many times to remain completely in tact, and then he had a whole empire of toys in his part of Laura’s room (which he had been told, by Laura also, was more of a suite, since it took up almost half of the hall of rooms). He had been playing for a while, and Laura had put sunscreen on him just because the sun was out, and it wasn’t summer anymore, but Nate still got sunburned easily, mostly on his cheeks and nose. However, if Nate wasn’t rolling trucks around or trying to show him his stuffed animals, then he was playing with his coat. Yes, he was wearing a coat, but he had a short sleeved shirt on, and he got cold, even when it wasn’t actually cold. He didn’t know why, but the coat seemed to be one of the things Nate liked to play with. He would play in the pockets, putting his hand inside and then moving it while he watched and grabbed his hand with the other from outside the pocket. 

Of course, it wasn’t cold outside, but it wasn’t warm either, and Nate had his own little cardigan on, but that didn’t seem to be nearly as amusing to him. 

He saw Tony come out, and he came bearing gifts. He gave Nate some of the warm apple cider that Peter insisted they had to have because it was now autumn and apples were an ‘autumn thing’. Nate took it with a quiet ‘thank you’ and drank most of it before handing it to Winter. He set it beside him and accepted the glass of whatever it was. It was hot, steaming, unlike the luke warm drink for Nate (who would otherwise burn himself), and he held it for a moment. Laura took a sip of hers. 

“Something you want to tell us?” She asked. Tony sat down beside him. 

“No, but I was curious of how Winter would react. It’s not  _ that _ strong, you’re just refined,” Tony said. This made him wonder why he was curious of how he would react, and he took a sip of his drink. It tasted like apples and cinnamon, and there was something, but it wasn’t something he could pick out. 

“What’s in it?” 

“Just a little bit of whiskey. Not nearly enough to actually do anything, but do you like it?” 

“Yeah,” he took another sip. Alright, he did like it. “Thank you.” 

“You’re welcome,” he reached a hand out to pat Nate’s head. Nate turned around and climbed up to sit on Winter’s thigh and show Tony his stuffed animals. Of course Tony had already seen them, but Nate did like to share, which was odd, or so Laura said, for his age. He handed it to Tony and then he moved back to his place with Winter and grabbed another stuffed animal and held it between his legs and showed it the truck. He spoke to his stuffed animal like Winter spoke to him, or at least in a somewhat similar way. It was very sweet. 

“He gave you Minnie, just so you know,” Winter said. “She’s his favourite, or at least she seems like his favourite. She’s older than the other stuffed animals. The one he has, Leonard, is his age, and that’s why they’re the closest friends. But Minnie is Leonard’s mom, and she rules the pack of stuffed animals out here. She’s the one he is always taking the most care with. He’s very nice and gentle with her.” 

“How long have you been out here?” Tony asked, looking over at Laura. 

“We’ve been out for a few hours now, but Nate has yet to tire himself out, and when he does get tired, he’s perfectly content to hug onto Winter and rest. He’s adopted Winter, apparently. When you guys are in the workshop, he is constantly asking when Winter will be back so they can play together,” Laura said. 

“That’s so precious,” he said, looking down at Nate. He seemed to be ignoring them, busy with Leonard, but Winter knew he was listening at least a little, otherwise, he wouldn’t be pausing so long when they spoke, only to quickly start talking again when they paused. Tony looked down at the kid and then he scooted closer and rested his head on Winter’s shoulder. 

“That is adorable. I can admit that much. Everyone likes Winter. He is pretty sweet, huh?” 

“Winter is sweets. He’s really sweets. He doesn’t get upset when I play with his pockets-ies. Look!” He dropped his stuffed animal and went to Winter’s pocket to show Tony what he did. Laura was laughing quietly behind the mug she held up over his mouth. Winter could hear it, and the crinkles at her eyes also told him that she was amused. 

“Wow. That’s super cool. He’s super cool,” Tony said, pressing a kiss to his cheek before resting against his shoulder again. 

“Yes,” Nate reached up and kissed Winter’s cheek, or just below it because he was trying to reach it but couldn’t. “Cool  _ and _ sweets.” Laura excused herself for a moment when she got a phone call. She went back inside for a moment. Then, the door opened, loudly, and she walked out. 

“They got a judge to give Clint visiting rights. Someone, according to Tasha, with a soft spot for Captain America. We need to take him inside. They’ve already come home, Tasha just got the message!” Tony stood up and reached out for her. 

“Hey, hey, calm down. Winter, let’s get Nate back inside, let’s get all of us back inside before anything happens,” Tony was already moving, and Winter stood and handed Nate to Laura. “Nate, we’ll be right inside, alright?” Nate was already crying, though, and it hurt because he shouldn’t have to be running inside. “I’m sorry, Laura. There has to be something -- call Carol. She’ll know how to deal with this for today at the very least, I’ll look into something long term.” Laura took Nate inside, trying to soothe him because he was crying so hard. Winter started to pick up the toys and put them back in the chest they were supposed to go into. “Shit, they’re heading this way. Must have heard us. I can handle this, if you want, you don’t even have to be here.” 

“I can stay. Or, at least let me put everything away?” Tony nodded and pulled his phone out. He was rapidly texting while Winter got everything in the chest. But just as he was putting the last toy away, Rogers came running up. The rest of his gang following behind him, ready to fight, it looked like. He stood beside Tony. 

“What’s up?” 

“You know that it was wrong to keep Clint from his kids. Even you can’t possibly think that any of that was okay,” Rogers said, jumping right into things. “I know Laura’s here, and I know that Natasha’s bringing the other two home right now. Just let him see his kids for an hour? Just until he and Laura can schedule something. I know Laura’s upset, but it isn’t right to punish the kids just because he and Laura got into a fight.” 

“Actually, Clint and Laura didn’t fight until  _ after _ he abandoned her and the kids. Left them sitting ducks that I pulled out of their situation real quick, and when he became an International fugitive.  _ Then _ , she fought with him. What kind of father even does that? Howard was a giant bastard but at least he stuck around.” Winter caught Barton’s fist and pushed him back. “Really? Solving your problems with violence? I expected better from Cap’s good ol’ team. Well, actually, not so much. I’m sort of disillusioned to your whole ‘little guy’ thing. Why did I even think you people would actually do the right thing? Anything the good Captain says is right is gospel, but he says it’s wrong and all the sudden it’s totally okay to punch them. You trained your dogs pretty well, Rogers. I’m impressed you managed to do anything successfully.” 

Winter hadn’t expected that, and neither did anyone else apparently. Tony took a deep breath a moment later. He had been too busy verbally destroying them to breathe. Maybe this was just some of the irritation and frustration that had been building up? 

“What the fuck’s your problem? Where’s Laura, asshole?” 

“She’s inside, and away from you, which is where she’s going to be staying. FRIDAY, shoot them if they even try to open the door to the house, please.” 

“ _ Will do. _ ” 

“You siccing your own pet on us, Stark?” Barton looked to Winter and then back to Tony, “excuse me, pets, plural. I see you’ve got him all dressed up. Let me see Laura. Laura! Laura, this is important! You can’t just ignore the court’s  _ legal _ rulings!” 

“Well all of you did when you became international fugitives, I mean, I guess it’s not bad until it’s no longer useful. I know how that feels. The process of being discarded was more painful than I thought though. She’s probably in her room with Natasha by now, and if you do manage to get past FRIDAY, then I assure you that Natasha would rip you to shreds before you forced your sympathy ruling on them.” 

The witch was there. He had been looking at her, most. She was glowing red, and for some reason, Dr. Strange or Loki had yet to show up and make her stop. He couldn’t fight her, he didn’t know how to fight that. Combat magic? He was at a loss. So, when Barton moved aside, and allowed her to get within his range, he pushed himself forward to take it instead. It didn’t hurt when it slammed into him, but things did seem to stop around him. 

_ “Take the Asset to The Chair.”  _

_ He didn’t know which one had ordered it this time, but he hadn’t done anything wrong. He had done everything they asked for, why were they doing this. He had behaved. He had behaved! Instead of fighting them like James was screaming to do in his head (“ _ Just escape! What use are you if you can’t even kill these fuckers? _ ”) he let them drag him to The Chair. It was easier to just take it. If he didn’t fight, then they wouldn’t keep him there for any longer than he could handle.  _

_ When the thick metal bands snapped over him and kept him down, they forced the mouthguard in place. Small mercies. That’s all he could hope for, really. He closed his eyes and waited for the pain to start, but it didn’t. But then, he couldn’t open his eyes now either. What was happening? Why wasn’t his body reacting to him. The eyes opened, but not because of him, because of James.  _

_ They weren’t in a HYDRA lab now, they were in the quinjet to America. He couldn’t move the body, he couldn’t do anything. James and Rogers were close and Winter wanted to get away, really, he did. He could see the witch in the jet, and pure terror raked through him, but James didn’t seem to even notice. But he wouldn’t, they weren’t connected anymore.  _

_ In James’ room, James went to sleep, but Winter could take control of the body, he couldn’t do anything. He was screaming, but nobody heard him. Not even James, the man whose head he shared. He struggled and opened his eyes. He rolled off the bed. He was in control now. Thank god! He stood up. It was his room. He was safe. He was safe now. He walked out of the room. The hall was empty, his door was the only one along the walls. He heard movement downstairs. He hesitantly walked down the stairs. Something was wrong. He didn’t know what, but he wasn’t as safe as he had thought. He knew it.  _

_ The floor wasn’t the living room, it was a studio. There was the Headmistress and the Black Widows. He turned around and went to walk back up the stairs, but he was stopped. This was HYDRA now. The men grabbed his arms.  _

_ “You weren’t as useful as you thought,” one of them said. He struggled, but he couldn’t actually get them to let him go. “Sold you out. You’re friends. Everyone. It wasn’t like they really cared. You’re not a person, you don’t get to have friends. You don’t get to care. You don’t receive sympathy. And you certainly won’t be receiving any pity on our part. Welcome back, Asset.”  _

_ The Chair was different, or at least this one. He wasn’t strapped down, but James was watching from the distance. In fact, almost everyone was there. Not just Rogers and his crew, but Tony, Natalia, Laura, even little Nate… he wanted to ask them to help him, but they didn’t seem like they really cared what happened to him. Then the faceless HYDRA agents went to them.  _

_ “We’re not going to chain you down,” one of them said. He wondered why he was receiving such mercy, that was until they started talking. Everyone, at the same time, started to speak.  _

_ “You ruined my life…”  _

_ “You took everything from me…”  _

_ “How dare you…” he didn’t know what he had done.  _

_ “My parents…”  _

_ “Hide the kids… “  _

_ “He hurt them…”  _

_ It continued, and eventually, it blurred into noise. There were no voices, it was just growing noise. He wasn’t tied to the chair though.  _

_ “I didn’t mean it! I didn’t mean to do any of it!” He stood up, and tried to get closer. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry!” Nobody listened to him. He fell to his knees, and then the people, friends, enemies, everyone, it didn’t matter, surrounded him and he started to fight. Why wouldn’t they just leave him alone? Why weren’t they listening? They always listened. They were always there, now. They cared about him. They did! Please.  _ Please care about me. I’m sorry. __

_ “Ending an empire.”  _

_ He looked around him, and there was nobody now. He could see blood on his arms, could feel it on his hands. There was a hand on his shoulder, and he turned and grabbed them by the throat. It was Natalia. Out of everyone, she was the most likely to know what it was like. She was also one of the people he felt so bad for hurting. He  _ had _ ruined her life. There was no way around that. He didn’t know how she didn’t hate him. How she could stand to look at him. She moved her head, as much as she could - not much at all, toward where there had been a moment ago. There was blood. So much blood. He dropped her and he saw reflections in it. There was just about everyone. He didn’t see any proof, or hard proof, he had killed someone, he was covered in blood, but he knew that they were dead. He knew it, and he knew it was him that killed them. It was bone-deep, every inch of him knew exactly what had happened, and how he had done it. He could picture it, and the blood played it out for him.  _

_ He didn’t even remember doing it. He didn’t even know why he would have done it. He loved them, all of them. He decided that he’d rather just wait to wither, or maybe just have HYDRA take him back. He didn’t know what else to do. He couldn’t self terminate, it wasn’t allowed. And even if it was, how would he do it? There was nothing but blood there. Even Natalia had disappeared. He was alone. Entirely alone now. He didn’t even deserve to exist. He was a monster. He always hurt everyone he cared about. There was never an ‘if’ it was only a ‘when’. It was inevitable. He would always be a monster.  _

His eyes opened up though, and he looked around. He was surrounded by people. People that he killed. He pushed away the few hands. No, he would ruin them. He couldn’t get close to them. 

“Winter…?” 

“No. No. No…,” he curled up. Someone was trying to talk to him.  _ Please stop. I’m sorry. _ He held his hands over his ears. That helped. So did closing his eyes again. And then someone was holding his hands, pulling them away, and he drew them back. _ Don’t touch me! I could hurt you…  _

“Winter, hey, kitten, come back. Please?” 

“You’re dead. You’re all dead. I’m so sorry. I’m so,  _ so sorry. _ ” 

“We’re perfectly safe, Winter. Please,  _ please _ , just look at us. We’re fine. You were hurt,” that was Tony. It had been Tony talking to him each time. He wasn’t sure if he should turn. He opened his eyes and looked up. There was everyone. At least everyone from the West Wing. The children weren’t there, but he also realized that he was outside. He was on the grass. He pushed himself into a sitting position. 

“You’re all alive?” He asked. He stood up, and checked Tony’s pulse. It was there. He did the same thing to Jim, to Carol, to Thor, to Laura, to Natalia, he dropped his hand from Natalia. He looked at her, and he felt so horrible. “I am so sorry,” he felt his eyes get watery. His vision started to blur. This was crying. He was crying now. Natalia held his wrist. 

“Nothing to be sorry about, Winter. You didn’t do anything wrong,” she said.

“I… I hurt you. I hurt everyone. I always hurt everyone. I don’t know how you can look at me. I was horrible to you. To everyone. I-I… I’m just a monster, and you were just a little girl!” He could see and hear everyone take a step back. He wiped his eyes. He hadn’t meant to sound so mean. He was so upset. Angry. With himself, mostly. Almost entirely. No, it was most definitely at himself. Fully. He hated himself. He didn’t deserve anything that he’d been given. They were just little girls, and he hurt them. They were just children. Like Nate was a child, just like Lila, Cooper, and Peter. 

“Hey, Carol, would you mind…?” Tony trailed off. Tony was behind him, and Winter watched as everyone looked to Carol, also behind him - she could just kill him. It wouldn’t even be difficult. He wouldn’t even fight it - and then they started to back away. There was a warm hand on his shoulder. It was Tony, he knew it was Tony, the footsteps getting closer belonged to Tony. The way the person was breathing, everything little thing, that was all Tony. He even smelled like Tony. Like coffee and hair gel and… so many other smells that just let him  _ know _ who it was.

“Winter,” he said, “I’m sorry you had to see whatever it was you saw. It’s not real, though. I promise, it’s not real, and I know it felt real, it probably felt extremely real, but it wasn’t. We’re safe, and you’re safe, and please let me look at you?” Winter turned to face him. Tony reached up to cup his cheek. Winter didn’t want to push him away, but he didn’t want him to touch him. He didn’t deserve it. This was all a bad idea. At least when he was trapped in James’ body he was at least kept away. He couldn’t hurt anyone from there, or at least nobody he cared about. “You have grass in your hair,” Tony looked like he had been crying too. “I’m so sorry you went through that. The last time it happened to me I helped create a genocidal robot, but it’s not real.” 

“They put me in The Chair, and-and then James said I was useless because I didn’t try to escape,” he should have escaped, but what would he have done if he had? “I should have escaped. So many people would be alive if I had.” 

“Hey, hey,” he reached up and held his other hand on his other cheek. He wasn’t letting him turn away. Winter knew he could still move, Tony wouldn’t be able to stop him, but he didn’t want to hurt him. He didn’t want to hurt anybody. “If they didn’t send you out, then they would have still died. If they didn’t have you, then they would have done something similar to some other poor, unsuspecting fellow. So, one, you saved someone else the pain you suffered, and two, you didn’t like killing people, but if they had someone else? What was there to stop them from hurting people just because they could? They could have done more damage. So yes, you did hurt people, but, and we will never know what would happen if they had chosen someone else, you likely saved a few people too. Even if you don’t know about it. And what about now? You don’t hurt anyone now. That is behind you, the past is the past for a reason.” 

“But then there were the Black Widows… and then HYDRA… and then they didn’t tie me down, so I got out and everyone was talking and I couldn’t hear anything because it was all so loud and then you… they… then I… then I killed them, and then Natalia was there, and I was covered in blood, and I could see how I murdered… everyone… and…,” he could feel Tony’s hands, but it was drowned out by the hard pounding in his chest, and it clenched and it hurt, and he didn’t know what was happening. It felt like all the air left his lungs. His muscles hurt, but his nerves were twitching, it felt like a million ants crawling all over him. He could see Tony. His mouth was moving, but he couldn’t hear anything. Then the feelings started to slow down, and he could hear, but it seemed so very far away. Miles and miles away, despite seeing Tony right in front of him. 

“-ey, hey, you’re alright, you’re gonna be alright. Do you remember when we did that ‘honest-talk’ thing?” He nodded his head. Of course he remembered that ‘honest-talk.’ “Good. Well, here, I’m gonna be honest, alright? 

“Whatever you saw just now. That was what you fear most. It’s what you’re terrified of, and the fact you’re so terrified that you’re going to hurt everyone… that just  _ proves _ how much you don’t  _ want _ to hurt us. You’re such an awesome person. I mean, you’ve been pseudo-adopted by your favourite squirrel-humans, and when Carol came out here, she struck them with the fear of Loki, which is so much scarier than Thor because that guy is actually crazy. We all care about you.  _ I _ really care about you, and I  _ know _ that you’re not a monster. What monster makes sure that Nat and I are covered with blankets or moved out of weird positions when we don’t sleep for days on end? What kind of monster jumps in front of a witch ready to attack for someone you met less than six months ago? Nothing monstrous there, because your actions here are what define you, and all you’ve done is love us and let us love you. You seriously give Rhodey a run for his saint-title. So, please,  _ please _ , don’t hate yourself because of what you saw, because it’s not real, and we’re not dead, and we will always care about you. You’re a good person, Winter. You’ve been given a life of absolute horror, and you somehow managed to come out on the better side of things. It’s a God send, and I’m so glad that I got to meet you, and that I will get to interact with you everyday, because I really care about you. Alright?” 

“Alright,” he said a stilted second later. Things were levelling out, things were getting better now. He could focus, he could hear everything around him again now, he could see the tears running down Tony’s cheeks. 

“Good. Do you want to go to the workshop? Go sit on the roof?” 

“You’ll come with me?” 

“If you want.” 

“The roof, if that’s alright,” he said. Tony nodded and held his hand. He needed to go to the roof. It was less likely to be attacked on the roof. The Rogues would expect them in the workshop, and they could be cornered in there. There was no way up beside the single elevator and stairwell. There were plenty of escapes he could see on the roof. 

He could also oversee a lot of things from there, he could position them in a safe spot too, where it was near impossible to attack, mostly in the perspective of commercially available firearms and all of the weapons the Rogues used. He had walked the perimeter more than once on some nights he didn’t sleep. He knew what was possible and what was not. 

The trip there was quiet, but halfway through the walk up the stairs he stopped. 

“Can I carry you there?” He asked. He wasn’t sure what went through Tony’s head, but he nodded and Winter carried him the rest of the way. He positioned them in one of the safest spots he had found and rested there. The sky was still blue, although he knew the sun would soon set. He didn’t want to wonder what happened to the Rogues. Not then, anyway. He just wanted to try and process and accept what Tony said. He really wanted Tony to be right, but what if he wasn’t? The fear he had in the beginning came back, but now that he’d seen the things he had, his fear was worse. 

Tony rested against him. They weren’t talking, which wasn’t entirely uncommon, and the silence wasn’t uncomfortable like he heard other people talking about. It wasn’t bad at all. He loved Tony’s voice, and the passion he had when he spoke of just about anything that interested him, which was a lot, but he also liked the quiet. He was quick to rest up against Tony, and his affection was returned when Tony wrapped an arm around his shoulder and pulled him closer. Winter tried not to think of how upset Tony had seemed. He had been crying. He wanted to cry, again because he technically had cried earlier, too. He relaxed and Tony, with the hand over his shoulder, started to pick out the few pieces of grass from his hair. He was smiling now. Tony looked better, less upset, less sad, less hurt. 

“I was really scared when you went down. You just… you jumped in front of an attack aimed at me. You weren’t supposed to get hurt,” Tony said. 

“But you didn’t get hurt, so I did something right.” 

“You don’t need to use yourself as a human shield. Actually, please don’t. I know you can handle it, but you shouldn’t have to handle it, or anything else, anymore. With that said, thank you,” Tony rested his head against his shoulder, “thank you.” 

“You’re welcome.” 

They spent hours on the roof. Just sitting there. It had been quiet after that, but not for too long. Tony started to tell him about how the arc reactor would protect him in the future. That his arm would make sure he stayed safe from the witch and her magic. He listened as Tony rambled about how exactly he had created it, or at least the basics broken into small words so he could actually understand a bit about it. 

Tony let him carry him back downstairs. 

“You know I’m not a princess,” Tony said, “but I do like being treated like one, so you may continue.” He had laughed because that sounded so very Tony-like. They went down to the workshop, and Winter went upstairs to get them food. Tony had been ready to join him back upstairs, but he told him that he shouldn’t drop everything because of what happened, but he did enjoy the time he got to spend with him on the roof. Tony told him to call him if there was anything wrong. Winter told him he would, although that wasn’t the entire truth. 

He went upstairs and made them bagels because they were the best form of baked goods beside croissants. He could hear Natalia join him more than he could see her. He kept his back to her - something he still had a problem with, but he decided if she did want to attack then he probably deserved it. 

“You’re wrong,” she said. 

“About what?” 

“About us. The Widows. The Red Room. You didn’t hurt us anymore than anyone else did. Even then, you were the kindest instructor we had,” she made some sort of soft noise, “the kindest instructor, and you still managed to hit the hardest. But that wasn’t why you were kind to us. Although you taught us, you gave us the tools we needed to survive, you never purposely went out of your way to hurt us. There were no mind games to be played, there was no hurt like the Headmistress, like the doctors, like the handlers… you were always honest with us, on the rare occasion you said anything related to someone other than fixing our stances. I’m glad it was you and not someone else.” 

“... do you want a bagel?” She walked into the kitchen and sat at the small table in the corner. 

“Sure.” 

He made her a bagel too, and slid the plate to her before sitting down across from her. 

“You really don’t hate me?” He asked. 

“No. I don’t hate you. You’re as close to someone I can empathize with than I’ll ever have. Our life experiences aren’t exactly typical,” she picks up the bagel he gave her and rips the first slice in half. “It’s hard to make connections. I had a harder time early on, but it gets easier. You’re connecting better than I did.” 

“But I need to connect with people.” 

“You’re right,” she said, “you’re having an easier time with it because you want to make connections, to be loved. For the first several  _ years _ I kept as quiet and reserved as I could. I didn’t trust anyone, I couldn’t trust anyone. We have different needs as people, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have similar life experiences.” 

“Thank you.” 

“No need to thank me for anything. This is human decency, and you deserve it just as much as anyone else here deserves it. Now eat. You know how to contact me. Thanks for the bagel.” He stood up and took the plate with four slices on it. She made a ‘shoo’ motion and he left back for the workshop. That was definitely something he needed to hear. Maybe now that she gave him something to work with, he could try to stop hating himself for everything he did. She was a person, she had good things now, and she said he could too. He believed her. She’s a Widow, yes, but she was also the only person he knew of that could truly say that they understood what he went through. Just as he could understand what she went through. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is inevitable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so I have one more chapter after this one, and I know the who resolution is sort of short and by 'sort of' I mean 'really' but the epilogue (Chatper 6) does leave it all with a happy ending!

It had been a good month and a half since the incident, but Winter was still on edge. He was walking along the grounds at least twice a night just to try and soothe his fears. He wasn’t so much scared as someone getting in, as he was with trying to distract himself from thinking that maybe he couldn’t stop it and would inevitably hurt everyone he cared for. It wasn’t going well. The distraction. 

Since dawn was approaching, he made a quick run around the property. He turned around and grabbed the person behind him by the shoulder and held him away. James held his hands up. 

“Hey, hey, it’s just me,” James said. Winter didn’t find that all too reassuring and didn’t let him go. “I just wanted to talk. Can you put me down? Please? So we can talk?” Winter dropped him and crossed his arms over his chest, when he really wanted to tuck them away and sprinted back to the house like a frightened animal. 

“What do you want?” 

“I wanted to apologize.” 

For a long moment, Winter stared at James. Was he lying to him? He really hoped he wasn’t lying to him. James didn’t seem like he was lying, but that could also be because he was so desperate to gain James back because James had been with him for so long and it was so painful to know what James really thought about him. Laura said that the feeling was called ‘hope’ and he still wasn’t sure if he liked it or not. 

“What happened with Wanda… I didn’t mean for that to happen. I didn’t think anyone would be getting hurt, and I wanted to check in on you. Make sure you’re feelin’ alright.” 

“I’m feeling fine, thank you,” Winter took a few steps back, and held his hands up just slightly, a sign of defense and discomfort with his proximity, “I think you should leave now.” 

“Winter?” James got closer to him, and reached out to pull his hands down. He was being so gentle. Why was he doing this? “I’m sorry. I was wrong about you.” 

“You were?” Hope. He had it, he wanted it, he needed it.  _ Please don’t lie about this _ . 

“Yeah. And I’m sorry that I was so mean to you. I was scared, but that’s no excuse for what I said and did. Maybe we could just go talk? I have a few things I really need to discuss with you.” He was wary of trusting James, but he nodded if only to try and do something else because nothing was getting that witch’s nightmare out of his head for any longer than twenty minutes at a time and he needed a break. They walked to the patio outside the East Wing with James. Nobody else was outside, and James ran inside to get him some coffee. He felt bad when he watched James hold two cups with his single arm. He quickly accepted the mug, but didn’t drink it for two reasons. One, it was black and bitter, and second he didn’t trust James or his friends to not put something horrible in it to harm him. 

While his hair had started to grow out, even if it was just the slightest bit, James kept his clean. Actually, everything about James was neat. His smooth face, his hair, his sweater vest and slacks. He felt almost odd because James looked very much like him, except James was probably the more appealing one between the both of them. 

“I know that I treated you wrong,” James said. He sipped at his coffee while saying it. He didn’t look up at Winter, though, but maybe James truly was ashamed? How did someone he was so close to hate him so much unless there was truly something to hate? “Um, is there anything I can ever do to let you know how sorry I am?” 

“You said sorry. That’s more than what I used to get,” he looked down at his own coffee. The reflection of the rising sun was bright, but the trees off in the back were blocking it just enough so that the shine didn’t blind him. 

“I didn’t realize that it was that bad,” James said. His voice was steady, which made Winter nervous. He had seen how emotional James could be. He had learned that apologies were emotional because everytime James apologized for something he almost immediately started crying, or at least that’s how it seemed to him. He could be exaggerating it just a bit. “So, how’s Tony?” 

“He’s doing well,” this was a topic Winter knew he could talk about. For hours if he could. “He’s decided that we have to go see lights on Christmas Eve. I’ve never celebrated Christmas before. He got me sweaters specifically for the season. Because it’s Christmas, he sent in the last update for his tablets, and his newest model for the StarkPhones were sent out near the end of  _ Noyabr’ _ and now he’s officially on holiday. He’s actually relaxing sometimes, but… well,” he paused, and whispered, “ _ Shetnadtsatiy denya Dekabrya tysyacha devyanosto pervyy goda _ …” 

“... that’s when, you, uh, ya know?” 

“Yes,” Winter said. He had left Tony alone on that day, the sixteenth, four days ago. He was content to give Tony his space, but halfway into the day, that he had decided to spend in his room, Tony had joined him in his room. There were a few jokes made about the bed being so small, but when Tony started to cry, Winter didn’t know how to react so he rubbed his back and Tony quickly turned that into something humorous too. Whatever he needed to help him through the day. It hadn’t been as horrible as he thought it would be, but he still felt horrible for doing it. He couldn’t help but wonder how many other people were mourning their family members or loved ones that he had killed. Thankfully, Tony decided that they needed to spend time with the kids to celebrate the family they had now, and they went to the living room to join Laura and the kids to watch some movie about a green, hairy  _ person-thing _ and a dog… there was something else going on in the movie but he didn’t understand it much. 

Later, when he started to apologize for what had happened, Tony told him that it was in the past, and it was done with, but that they needed lots and lots of ‘fancy hot chocolate’ to truly get back into the ‘spirit’ of Christmas. 

“That must have been rough,” James said. 

“It went better than I thought it would. What are you and your friends doing for the holidays?” 

“Oh, Stevie decided that we needed to all trade gifts with each other, but keep it all a secret so that nobody knew who gave who what. I picked out Wanda…” he paused and Winter successfully didn’t flinch despite the horrible sounds of everyone telling him how horrible he was echoing through his head. “I got her some new gloves and some cinnamon candy because she apparently likes those sorts of things. Are you giving gifts this year?” 

“I wouldn’t know where to start, but I have spoken with FRIDAY about gifts. Everything I thought would be nice was all ready to be ordered, but I asked FRIDAY not to buy anything.” 

“What? Why? Did something happen between all of you?” 

“No. I just… it’s not my money to spend. I’m going to try and find a different way to acquire gifts, but I don’t know what I should do about that,” he tried to smile but he really felt more uncomfortable here than he had when he was being insulted. Why was James talking to him, and why did he suddenly care? 

“Well, if you ever need any ideas, I like to think I’m a pretty good gift-giver.” 

“I’ll keep that in mind, thank you,” he was lying. 

“Hey, can I tell you something about what’s been going on around here?” Winter continued to stare down into the coffee. It was getting cold in his hands, and the light was rising over the treetops now, almost blinding him. He looked away, down to his lap. 

“If you want. I’ll listen.” 

“Good,” James stands up and Winter watches him as he moves closer to get on a knee beside him. “Stevie’s been real upset lately and I don’t know how to help him. Does that happen with Tony?” The inflection in James’ voice sounded like a Widow when she was lying. He  _ was _ lying  _ now _ . He knew that, but he didn’t know what he was trying to accomplish with his lie. 

“Sometimes. I try to make everyone’s lives a bit easier. I like to help with things that I can help with. People don’t often get upset with me, but when they do, I just let them ‘cool down’ before I try and make sure they’re okay. Is he upset with you, or just in general?” 

“With me. And I don’t know what I’m doing wrong,” and James’ voice did crack. Maybe he wasn’t lying? He didn’t know what to think. He didn’t want to be here, but he didn’t know how to politely leave now. James looked down, holding his face in his hands. “I just can’t be this wonderful person he wants to think I am all the time. I make mistakes too, ya know?” 

“Have you tried to talk to him about it?” 

“No,” James sniffled, “no, but I really should. I just… he wants me to be an Avenger with him but I don’t think I can.” He looked up at Winter, his eyes were puffy and so were his cheeks, but it didn’t look like any tears had fallen. He still felt bad that James was hurting, though. He reached an arm out and touched James’ shoulder. Comfort. That was what he was trying to offer him. “I’m not who he thinks I am. I can’t do the things he thinks I can.” James lurched forward and wrapped his arms around Winter. Too unsure how to handle James now, Winter wasn’t sure what he could do here. He felt him moving with his sobs… but they didn’t sound too sob-like. He tried to push him away. Gently, of course, because James was still someone he cared for even if he tried not to, but he didn’t let go. 

“Get off me, please.” 

James pulled back. 

“Sorry,” he wiped his eyes and got back down on his knees. James was crying, and he had told him to let him go. Winter felt bad that he wasn’t offering comfort to him, but… he was still hurt. And why should he offer James comfort when James had only offered him hatred? He felt bad for thinking about it that way, he should be nice to everyone -- treat them how he wanted to be treated -- but he didn’t feel like he wanted to be treated like anything with the Rogues. He just wanted to go home and worry there. He stood up. “You’re leaving?” 

“Yes. My friends should be getting up now, and I would like to get everything ready for them,” he tucked his chair under the table. “Thank you for the coffee, and I’m sorry you’re having a difficult time. You should talk. Just be honest. It works for us, and it might work for you too. I hope you day gets better, James.” He started to walk away, but he felt someone moving behind him. He could hear someone behind him. 

“Wait!” James grabbed Winter’s shoulder and Winter pushed it off just as quick. He faced James, behind him. “Why are you so calm? Why aren’t you,” he punched the air and made a finger gun, “you know?” 

“Because I don’t have to anymore. But I’m leaving now. Please don’t follow me this time,” he walked away, this time nobody followed behind him. He walked into the wing from the side door and went to the kitchen. Jim was already awake and sitting at the table, and Carol had already come back from her morning run. The kids were probably sleeping in because they were on a school break since Christmas was coming up. He sat down by Jim, and slumped over. 

“Everything alright?” He asked. 

“James wanted to talk to me this morning. I’m not sure if he was lying to me or not, but he hugged me and then he cried on me, and then he followed me and I told him to leave me alone… was that wrong?” he looked up to try and gauge how Jim was feeling about what he had told him. Jim looked contemplative as he usually did when people went to him wishing for his wisdom, which happened more often than not. 

“Well, I think you did just fine. If he made you uncomfortable and you wanted to leave because of that, then you have every right to ask him to leave you alone. He should know that just saying sorry isn’t enough. He was horrible to you for  _ years _ . A single sorry won’t fix that hurt.” 

“But… what about me and Tony? I did--” 

“Winter,” Jim reached out to hold his hands like Laura sometimes did to get him to stop from rambling and Tony did when he wanted to try and calm him down from the edge of a horrible spiral into his memories. “I need you to stop thinking you’re a monster. I need you to stop thinking that because you were forced to do bad things you are also bad. You aren’t. Yes, what you did was wrong, but did you know it was wrong when you did it?” he shook his head. “Did you want to do it because it was something you thought was entertaining?” he shook his head again. “Were you forced to do it by people who would torture you if you refused?” he nodded. “Did you still attempt to refuse to do what they wanted after you learned it was wrong?” he paused. He looked up at Jim. 

“I knew it was wrong, later on, and I still did it for them.” 

“Why did you do it then?” 

“Because they would punish me if I didn’t, because I was being selfish, because I didn’t want to be hurt again. I didn’t want the… I didn’t want to be thrown back into The Chair for recalibration.” 

“But it’s all in the past. Have you done any of those things since you were away from them?” 

“I fought in Siberia,” he whispered. It got extremely quiet in the room, and Carol turned to look at him. 

“What do you mean?” She asked, taking the seat Tony usually sat at when he joined him in the morning. 

“I mean Tony removed our arm, and James couldn’t handle the pain so I… so I came out… when Rogers tried to get me to leave, I tried to go back and then they shocked me.” 

“Shocked you?” 

“That’s how They punished me, so I try to think that maybe that’s why I couldn’t fight it off. I wasn’t trying to go back into the building to save Tony either.” Carol rested her hand on his shoulder. “I didn’t want to leave HYDRA because I was scared that… I was scared that I would have to make choices and that I would choose wrong. I didn’t know how to live without them. Then James said we’d be going back into cryo and I tried to fight, but I didn’t want to hurt anyone because--” 

“I’m sure you’re trying to prove everything Barnes and his pals said as right, right?” Jim asked. He nodded and Carol wrapped her arm around his shoulders. “Winter, buddy, that’s all understandable. Yeah, maybe it wasn’t the best idea, but you didn’t do it because you wanted to hurt people. You did it because you were scared. Everybody does weird things when they are scared. Unlike  _ some people _ who try to use that as an  _ excuse _ for their actions, you’re demonizing yourself because of them. I’m sure you talked to Tony about it, because he’s the only one who can forgive you for that, since it was him who was hurt.” Winter nodded and looked back down at his lap. He felt horrible. He was feeling horrible more often than not nowadays. He had a good few months, and then everything crashed with the witch and… he’s been trying to pretend he wasn’t as scared as he really was. That he wasn’t terrified that anytime Nate wanted to play he might accidentally hurt him because he always hurt things, people. He was destruction personified. Even more so than Loki, and that wasn’t a good thing. 

“And he forgave you, didn’t he?” Carol asked. He nodded and pulled his hands away from Jim so he could try and wipe the tears away before they started to fall on their own. “I don’t know how we can convince you that you’re not as horrible as you think you are, but you didn’t do any of it because you were angry at them. None of it was personal, was it?” 

“No.” 

“What James did to you was abuse, and it seems like it was probably for longer than we originally thought. You didn’t hurt anyone because you didn’t like them, or because you felt better than them. You were given an option to either be hurt and still have to do it, or just do it so that you didn’t have to be hurt in the process. It makes sense that you chose the latter, and even if you had chosen the former, it would be the same because either way, there wasn’t a way out for you.” 

“I could have escaped.” 

“Could you have escaped truly, or are you saying you should have been able to escape because you think you should have tried harder?” Carol raised a good point. He hadn’t actually been given many opportunities to run, and when James did, he was the one punished for it. 

“I should have been able to escape.” 

“You shouldn’t have been put in a position that required you to escape torture. What you did, and what happened, wasn’t your fault. You may have done it, and I’m sure you’re torturing yourself with those memories more than any of us will, but you didn’t do it because you wanted to. You did it because you were given no other option, truly.” When he moved, Carol wrapped her arms around him, and he rested against her. She was petite compared to him, but he also knew she was far stronger than him and she had a large presence that made him feel smaller than he truly was. It made her very good at offering warm bear-hugs and comfort. She was also known for being blunt and honest about things that most people would gloss over. Maybe she was right about him, though. She wouldn’t have said it if she hadn’t believed it. That’s just how Carol was. 

“When did you last sleep, Winter?” She asked. 

“Approximately thirteen days ago.” 

“C’mon, I’m gonna take you to the workshop and get you settled in on the futon I know Tony has down there,” she stood, pulling him up with her. 

“We all care about you Winter, because even if you don’t think you deserve affection, you do,” Jim said. 

“Thank you,” he said. Jim smiled, it was small, warm. He was also trying to comfort him. He was so lucky to have met these people. He was so lucky that he had ever been given a chance to live with them, to know them. They were too good for him. All of them. He went with Carol to the workshop and when she opened the door, Tony wasn’t sitting at his desk like he usually was. She didn’t seem bothered by his absence, and took him to the back corner. 

“We’re getting a nicer futon than this for you two,” she said. When he sat on the corner she crossed her arms and looked down at him. “Now, do I need to use my ‘Captain Voice’ to get you to sleep, or can I trust that you’ll at least try to sleep for just a few hours?” 

“I’ll try.” She nodded and patted his head before leaving the workshop. He lay down on the futon and pulled the blanket from the side of the futon and pulled it over his shoulders. He would try to sleep, because Carol asked him to, but he knew he would have bad dreams. He heard someone come into the workshop and peeked an eye open. He saw Tony, and he was being quieter than normal, Winter just heard more than most. He set a box down on the desk and then went back to pulling up blue screens and doing what he did so well. Winter closed his eyes again. He would try. 

Halfway through his rest, in which he was having horrible nightmares, he woke up and Tony sat down with him and then curled up beside him. Winter held an arm over him and tried to go back to sleep. When he woke the next time, it was because Tony was trying to get out of his hold. 

“I’m sorry,” he pulled his arm away. 

“No you were fine. Did you sleep better?” Tony stood up. 

“I don’t remember any dreams after you joined me, so yes?” Tony nodded. 

“Well then maybe we can resume sleeping once I go to the restroom, excuse me,” Tony left the area towards the small bathroom that was built into the workshop (which was probably because Tony didn’t expect himself to want to go upstairs and interact with the Avengers when the compound was first built. The West Wing had, before everything, held all the Avengers. 

He pulled the blanket up over his head. Tony was so warm, and his front was cold now. He heard Tony coming back and then he felt the futon dip when Tony got back on it. He raised the blanket, and Tony got beneath it. Tony didn’t have his phone out, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t still working on something else, but the way he pulled the blanket up and held onto it led Winter to believe that Tony was napping with him. 

“Do you sleep better with someone beside you?” Winter asked. It was true that when Tony fell asleep, Winter would move him to somewhere more comfortable, but Tony would wake up for the first time and then he’d see him and then he’d go back to sleep, and he seemed to sleep better after that. 

“Most of the time, yeah. Maybe you do too.” 

“I think so,” Winter looked at where Tony was so cutely wrapped up. He didn’t want to disturb him, so he didn’t even ask if maybe Tony could hold him. He could agree this was the safest position. Nobody would be able to get to Tony without getting through him first, but he also wanted to… it probably wasn’t a good idea anyway. If he woke up, he could get violent and he didn’t want to hurt Tony, even if it was accidental. He was afraid that if he woke up and Tony was holding him, that he would panic and not realize… he closed his eyes. 

He woke up, and he woke up panting and reaching up to wipe his face off. There was blood everywhere-- there was no blood. At all. He looked at his hands, no blood. He wiped at his face again. No blood there either. He wasn’t in his tactical uniform. He was in a Christmas sweater. He wasn’t holding a gun, he was holding onto Tony’s arm. He drops Tony’s arm. 

“I’m so--” 

“Are you alright?” Tony sat up and reached up to hold his hands, “You were sleeping fine, and then something happened and I couldn’t wake you up.” 

“Just a nightmare.” 

Tony held his hands for a moment longer before leaning forward and kissing his cheek. 

“Do you want to come upstairs with me? I got a text from Laura about frosting cookies with the kids,” he smiled, “and just so you know, I have some of the best icing skills. I’ll make a gingerbread house this year and all the frosted cookies that we make today can live in that awesome gingerbread house.” 

“Gingerbread house?” Winter stood up with Tony. 

“Yeah. It’s a cookie house that you can decorate. I’ll make mine from scratch because I’m just that cool. I haven’t made any grand gingerbread houses but I usually didn’t celebrate Christmas, but we can now.” 

“We could make the compound?” He asked. They went up the stairs and up to the ground level. 

“Definitely. I’m making gingerbread men and women to live here too, then,” Tony opened his arms when they got to the dining room where the kids, Laura, Natalia, Vision, Thor, and Loki were sitting around. Loki looked bored, like he’d rather be anywhere but there, and Thor was covered in frosting and being loud in a typical Thor manner. Nate was in Natalia’s lap and they were doing something with their own cookies and Peter, Cooper, and Lila were hiding their cookies from each other’s eyes with their hands. Laura was overseeing this chaos. Tony walked in and pulled up a seat. Winter sat between Tony and Natalia. Laura slid them some cookies and some bags of frosting. 

“Winter! Winter! I made you a snowflake!” Nate picked up a cookie and waved it in the air. His little fingers were smudged in all the not-yet-dry frosting. Nate handed it to him, and he took it. “It’s a snowflake ‘cause you’re Winter, and it snows in winter.” 

“Thank you,” he looked down at it, “am I allowed to eat it?” 

“Yes, you eat it. It’s yours, silly,” Nate picked up a new cookie and slid one to Tony and one to Winter before taking another one for himself. Winter took a bite of the cookie. It was decent. He could definitely taste the blue food dye mixed in with the white icing. “Did you like it?” 

“I did,” Winter looked around at the frosting, He looked at his cookie. It was a snowman, or what he thought was supposed to be a snowman. 

“You eated it all! I’ll make more,” Nate got back to icing his cookies and he saw Tony grabbing bags of icing and doing something with them. There were all sorts of colours, and different shades of colours. Then again, he was sure it was more amusing and they had a lot of cookies, so this was probably a long project that they had time to prepare for. He picked up some bags and started to do his own cookie. He wasn’t artistic, and when he was it was vaguely in a decent sense. He had it so that the larger circle was at the top. He made three really fluffy squirrel faces, to the best of his ability which wasn’t too good. He added different colour scarves. He deemed it good enough and Nate passed him a new cookie. 

“You made a squirrel pile? They even have scarves,” Cooper said. He sighed and glared at Lila for a moment who looked at Winter like she knew what was going on in his head. He really hoped she didn’t. He didn’t want anyone to have to deal with what was happening in his head. He made the second one into a proper snowman and added a sweater to him because he had to be cold… he didn’t even want to think on why his thoughts went in that direction and nobody ever needed to know he had a moment like that. He still added the sweater, though, and he drew a holly berry with leaves on either side for it too. Tony had made four, and was working on his fifth. He was using the more head, shoulders, arms, torso, legs, feet sort of cookies. The ones that were somewhat human. He figured out who two of the cookie people were so far. He had one he was sure was Natalia if the belt with the red hourglass on it meant anything, and he had one that was Thor because he had the same sort of armor on him. There were two others he didn’t recognize, but he would figure out. 

It took him a while, but he realized that one of the figures was Vision, but when he wasn’t in his human-looking skin. He was red, green, and yellow for the most part, and the other one was still a mystery, but he’d figure it out. He took one of the snowflake-shaped cookies and made a snowflake for Nate. It looked more like webs, and halfway through he decided to make it a spider web because he could do that. He could change what he wanted to do now. He added a spider. 

“That’s not a snowflake,” Nate said, “that’s Tasha.” 

“The likeness is stunning,” Natalia said, dead flat, before smiling. “You should add a second spider. There are two arachnids under this roof.” 

“The spider boy,” he said before nodding and going to add a red and blue spider. 

“Spider  _ Man _ . A  _ man _ not a  _ boy _ !” Peter’s voice cracked, but nobody commented on it. Nobody even tried to argue with that because he was always correcting them even if they all knew he was spiderman, it was just amusing to see how he corrected them as if he hadn’t caught onto the fact they truly did know what he was called. 

“At least he doesn’t call you a squirrel-human,” Cooper said. He then lifted the bag of icing up from where it was sitting and tilted his head back and started to squeeze the blue icing into his open mouth. Laura rubbed at her temples, while Lila reacted in a rather opposite manner.

“He’s using all the blue!” Lila grabbed it from his hand, managing to get it on Cooper’s shirt sleeve and her leg. She took the icing from him and set it to the side. Thor picked it up and started to use that colour to add to his massive pile of decorated cookies. 

“Do I need to send you out of the dining room?” Laura asked them. 

“No,” they both said. She nodded and pushed another bag of frosting to them. He went back to his cookie. He had made four now, making the fourth into a mushroom simply because he wanted to. Also, he found it very odd that people liked the red mushrooms and white dots when people didn’t eat those because they were typically poisonous. He thought they were pretty, and understood why people liked them more than the typical white and brown mushrooms. He still thought it was weird though, even for him because why? 

“I made Winter,” Tony held a cookie up, Nate was one of the few that looked to the cookie (the others were focusing). It had his short hair, even if he was growing it out, and it had his metal arm. The arm he had still wasn’t the permanent arm, but it was very nice. Still better than his old one. Tony gave him a blue sweater with a Christmas tree on it with red things and little dots along them. Probably tree decorations? He had watched as the kids had decorated the tree with ornaments a few days earlier, but he hadn’t joined in. He had brought them all hot chocolate and therefore became the ‘coolest crazy uncle’ in Cooper’s words, though. 

“I’ll make you,” he got another cookie and started to draw on it. 

“Natasha’s going to literally bite my head off,” Tony said as he went back to making another cookie. He drew Tony in a suit because when he wasn’t working in the workshop, or if he had to go out, he was typically dressed in a suit. He made this one black and white and added the blue circle to Tony’s chest and his particularly styled facial hair before pushing it to him. “Damn I look good.” 

“Hand it over, I get to bite his head off,” Natalia held out her hand and Tony took a picture with his phone before moving. “You’re going to record this?” 

“Memories and all that,” Tony said, holding his phone up. He handed his version of Tony to Natalia and she bit his head off. Tony was busy laughing at her slow, deliberate movements before she took a bite of his arm. 

“I’m a man-eater,” she said. Everyone started laughing, except Thor, but he was very focused on his cookie. Even Nate and the other kids. She took another bite. Soon the tall pile of cookies was left to only a few, and they were running out of frosting. He and Laura started to clean up what they could while the others continued to decorate the last few cookies. Thor helped them clean things up as well, and then Tony took Nate to wash his hands while Natalia started to collect all the cookies onto a giant platter. Tony brought Nate back into the kitchen and stood beside Winter. He, meanwhile, was busy washing the few metal tips used for some of the icing bags, and everything used to make the cookies while Laura took a washcloth to the table. Loki had disappeared as soon as they started to move around. 

“I’ll finish this if you hold Nate. He wants to hang out with you,” Tony said. Winter dried his hands. 

“Alright,” he took Nate in his arms and held him up. He was getting bigger every day it seemed, but he was still so tiny and light. Then again, he was sure he could pick Thor up and carry him around the compound if he really wanted to. He held Nate, standing off to the corner near Tony over the sink. 

“...so that’s how Santa Claus brings all the presents. We don’t have a chim-eny. So Tony told us that,” Nate had given him a long explanation as to how Santa Claus came down the chimney, or in houses without a chimney he used the front door ‘like any respectable reindeer-rider.’ It was adorable to hear Nate quote Tony because he made a certain voice to try and imitate him that was entirely inaccurate and adorable. 

“So we have to sleep in order for him to visit?” he asked. 

“Yes. But he needs cookies and carrots.” 

“Why?” 

“For the trip home. Cookies for him. Carrots for his reindeer,” Nate reached up and pinched his (Winter’s) cheeks, “and you can’t let Tony give him am-o-retta.” 

“What?” he had no idea what ‘am-o-retta’ was. 

“Am-o-retta. It’s alcohol,” Nate whispered ‘alcohol’ like it was a bad word before he looked at him like he should know what that was. But he didn’t know what it was beyond the fact it was alcohol. He looked at Tony for help. 

“Amaretto,” Tony said, “it’ll warm him up, that’s all I’m saying.” 

“But he’s gotta drive,” Nate said. Tony wiped his hands dry and came over to play with Nate’s hair. 

“That he does. So I’ll just leave him some coffee instead. You think that’s a better idea?” 

“Yes,” Nate released Winter’s cheeks, “that’s okay… can we go watch TV?” 

“Sure, but I think Lila’s in control,” Tony took Nate from him and moved his head toward the living room. Winter followed him and saw that Lila was indeed in control of the TV. She was watching the same movie that she had watched several times before. Winter wondered why she was watching the same thing unless she was either studying it or if she had already forgotten what had happened. He and Tony sat down, and Nate got on the floor, up on his feet, and started to run around. Nate brought them things every few minutes. A fork that he had found under the couch, a handful of web fluid left somewhere by Peter, a single earring he had found hanging on the Christmas tree, etcetera. He had heard Laura giving him a very stern talk, earlier, about how it was ‘not okay’ to climb the Christmas tree, and he had yet to see Nate try to climb it again. But to be honest, he sort of wanted to see how he managed to climb the tree because the thought was amusing -- on the other hand, he agreed with Laura because he could get hurt and he didn’t want to see little Nate get hurt. 

Lila abandoned her movie halfway through and went to do something elsewhere. 

“It’s almost four,” Tony said. He knew exactly what that meant. 

Since Barton had managed to get a judge to give him partial custody of the children, he had been coming to the West Wing to visit the children. He could bring one person with him, and he had to remain respectful to everyone living there when he visited the children, but… he didn’t always do that. He got to see them every other weekend, but for the holidays, he was even allowed to visit and open their gifts with them. Winter wasn’t sure, but from the way the children reacted, they were just as displeased with this as everyone else seemed to be. Peter, also joined the children because he and Cooper were friends, and he had told him that Lila needed him there if she won bets, so he had to be there. Nobody had asked when he lied to him about friendship because nobody really wanted to see any other ulterior motives like semi-safe gambling. (Winter also knew that his excuse was mostly just made up, and he really was there because he was friends with them.) 

Laura came into the room with Natalia and they took seats beside Tony, effectively blocking Tony in with them and then Winter on his other side. Winter had a difficult time with the Rogues, but he also knew it was much worse for Tony because he had been directly hurt and betrayed by them. He offered comfort often, especially for Tony, but he also noticed that on the days where the Rogues made a scene or visited and said something underhand, Tony would be far more reluctant to accept that comfort. 

He didn’t even want to think about the residential dining hall ‘feast’ that they were all supposed to at least show up to and give ‘Christmas wishes’ or something to that effect. 

When four o’clock rolled around, the kids were all sent to the living room via FRIDAY. Natalia opened the side door to allow Barton and his companion of choice, Rogers, into the living room. Barton expected his children to run to him everytime he visited, but they looked up at him and didn’t say anything almost every time. He sat on the floor by the coffee table, and Rogers joined him. 

“Only four days left,” he said. The kids looked around Nate squirmed out of Lila’s hands and onto the floor. He walked up to the couch and threw his hands in the air. Winter picked him up and set him in his lap. He felt somewhat bad for Barton, but he also understood why the others were angry. Barton cleared his throat. “So, what did you guys do today? Steve and Wanda have been baking up a storm!” 

“I make-ed a snowflake for Winter,” Nate said. “And he make-ed squirrels.” Nate reached one hand up to pat Winter’s cheek before pulling it back down and squeezing his own cheeks. 

“That sounds awesome. What did you two make?” Barton looked at Lila and Cooper. 

“A snowman,” Cooper said. 

“Noodle,” Lila said. 

“That’s the spirit Coop… why noodles?” 

“The character Noodle, from the Gorillaz. I gave her a star ornament so it was technically festive,” Lila bumped fists with Cooper under the table and Barton kept his smile and nodded. 

“Ah, interesting. Will those be at the feast-thing?” 

“Maybe,” Lila said. “I’m gonna convince Tony to build a gingerbread castle, and Noodle and the snowman can live there. Ya know, until we eat it all.” 

“Right,” Barton looked up at Tony and then back to the kids, “so does anyone want to play a video game or something? You were really into Starcraft last week, Coop. Still wanna play that?” 

“Nah, I’m back into Overwatch. Petey and I have decided we make an awesome duo, he’s Zenyatta and I’m Wintson. We kick ass--” 

“Hey!” 

“--and take no names,” Cooper ignores Roger’s interruption, “and Lila’s good with Lucio, but when she’s upset she plays Junkrat because bombs and chaos. Also, Winter’s good at most people, but if I tell him what button does what, he can play just about anything. Once, I handed him Petey’s controller because Pete was being a butt and doing homework, and I got him on Hanzo… it was interesting to watch, that’s for sure.” 

“Wait, this is a game about killing people?” Rogers asked. 

“Sorta kinda,” Lila said. Cooper nodded at her and then looked back to Rogers. 

“So… do you play it often?” 

“Almost everyday.” 

“Everyday?!” Rogers sounded like he was mortally wounded. Winter was listening with half an ear because Nate had decided to stretch out over his lap and use Tony’s hand as a pillow. His eyes were open, but they might not be for much longer. He wore himself out and all that frosting he had eaten was finally wearing off from when he ran around the house earlier. “Why would you play a game like that everyday?” 

“Because it’s fun,” Cooper said. He rolled his eyes. “Look, it’s fun, and Clint--” 

“I’m your dad.” 

“--doesn’t mind. But _I_ might start minding if you decide to _interrupt me_ _again_ ,” Cooper crossed his arms over his chest. 

“Coop, honey, you need to be nice to them,” Laura said. He looked up at her and then back to Barton. 

“Fine,” he said. “So, are we gonna play Overwatch or what?” 

“Sure,” Barton said. Peter, Cooper, Barton, and Lila went to the TV, and sat on the carpet in front of the screen. They all had their own places that they took depending on the game they were playing. They handed Barton a controller and soon enough Cooper and Peter were yelling at each other and Lila was shouting over both of them to get them to stop shouting at each other. It was all very hectic. He picked Nate up from his lap and held him up to his chest. Nate’s head fell against his shoulder and he was aware that he was being drooled on, but he didn’t mind. 

“So, you wanna play with them?” Tony asked Rogers. 

“Uh, I think it’s best if I don’t. But since I’m here, we don’t talk anymore. How’s everything going? James said that Winter was jumpy. Is everything alright?” Tony turned to him. 

“When were you talking with James?” 

“This morning. He told me that he and Rogers were fighting and then hugged me. Carol made me take a nap, she even threatened to use her Captain Voice, and that’s why I was on the futon,” he wasn’t hiding anything. He wasn’t sure why Tony had looked so unsure, and why Rogers decided to bring it up. Everyone knew damn well why he was so ‘jumpy’ and it had nothing to do with anyone in their home, it had everything to do with the people in the East Wing. 

“Oh,” Tony looked back at Rogers. “Why was he talking with Winter? Last time I heard, he didn’t exactly want to be his best buddy, and was actively hurting him.” 

“Bucky never hurt him, and he said he saw him walking around the perimeter and it made him nervous. I didn’t even hear about it until Bucky came back from his run -- which he apparently didn’t do because he was busy talking with him. He said that you stopped him.” 

“I was walking the perimeter, that’s true. I like to make sure everything is secure. Then, he was behind me. He told me we could speak, so I joined him outside near the East Wing. He made me coffee, but I didn’t drink it -- sorry -- and then he told me about how things were at the East Wing. But then he started to cry--” 

“You made him cry?” 

“No! He started crying because apparently you two had been fighting, and then I told him I needed to leave because he started crying on me and I didn’t know what to do. When I left, he followed me and I asked him not to. That’s all that happened. Nothing bad at all. I told him that I was excited for Christmas and that I’ve never celebrated it before and I have all these nice sweaters specifically for the season, but that was really all that I said.” 

“And about the sixteenth?” Rogers asked. Winter wrapped his other arm around Nate and pet his hair because it typically soothed him. 

“I mentioned it when he asked how things were. He asked if that was difficult, and I said it was, and then he told me about you.” 

“Why did you need to mention it?” Rogers asked. He sounded angry, angrier than he had any right to be. 

“Because he was there too!” 

Rogers shut his mouth and Winter soothed Nate back to sleep by rubbing his little back covered by his tiny sweater. He looked down at his lap because he shouldn’t have mentioned it but nobody else had been there --  _ nobody _ else knew what that was like. James had a front-row seat to what he did. 

“I’m sorry,” Winter said a moment later. “I wasn’t alone. He was there too.” 

“But didn’t he try to stop you?” 

“He told me to stop, but I didn’t want… I didn’t want to be put back in The Chair.” 

“You let  _ him _ around your children but not their father?” Rogers turned to Laura. Winter fully expected everyone to be upset with him. This was his fault. This entire argument was all because of him and the person who originally housed him. But instead of pulling away, instead of realizing that maybe this was all a mistake (it had been months and it was still something he was scared of -- he felt worse because what if he was scared for no reason and he hurt all of their feelings and then they make him leave, it was a horrible cycle), Tony held his hand. 

“Listen, Rogers, you’re a guest here, and we can make you  _ and _ Barton leave. I don’t know why you’re so hellbent on targeting Winter, but it’s really old, and tired, and so are we. Just move on to something that’s either valid or important because Winter hasn’t done anything wrong since he got his body. He has been attacked and he didn’t even  _ attempt _ to retaliate.” 

“Something’s going to happen, and when it does, you’re gonna wish you listened to me, Tony. I would think out of all people, you would realize how dangerous he is,” Rogers crossed his arms over his chest, and then he looked at Natalia, “or you. I get that you’re friends with Tony now, but  _ you know _ what he’s capable of, and if you really loved these kids as much as you say you do, you’d do everything you could to protect them. It’s like throwing them into a ring with a tiger and hoping they survive it!” 

“I think you should leave now, Steve. It’s best for everyone if you stand up and walk away. Barton can stay here with the kids, but you are not welcome here now, and I doubt you will be welcome ever again, unless you finally realize that just because  _ you _ think something about someone, doesn’t mean it’s  _ true _ ,” Natalia looked like she would get up and kick him out the door if he provoked her. He stood up. 

“I’ve heard that there’s a hidden HYDRA agent here.” 

“Yeah, her name rhymes with Fonda, and she’s a total bitch, excuse me,  _ witch _ , I meant to say witch. Freudian slip, totally understandable,” Tony said. 

“She’s reformed and you know it… Just, if he’s--” 

“I don’t think he’s working with HYDRA,  _ Steve _ . Would you work with an organization that tortured you for decades?” 

Rogers stood up, and pinched the bridge of his nose, like this was irritating but also not nearly important enough to actually mean anything important enough to listen to. Like he was listening to a child talk and waiting to correct them because they were inherently wrong -- which was also not the proper response. 

“He tried to run back to the bunker, that’s all I’m saying.” 

“He had his arm blown off, you were dragging him around, and you took him to the guy who spent most of the week trying to kill him, I’m gonna call that extenuating circumstances,” Tony stood up, and while he was shorter than Rogers physically, his presence was far larger. More grand, in a refined sort of way, while Rogers was just living on the fraying coattails of a legend. 

“I hope you’re right about that,” Rogers went out the sliding glass door and walked outside. Tony sat back down. He looked at Winter. 

“I know you’re not HYDRA,” he said. Winter shifted the sleeping toddler from his arms into Tony’s. Nate always made him happier, he was just so tiny and full of life. Tony held the child like he was holding on for support but also trying not to squeeze too tight. 

“We’re playing pass-the-baby again?” Laura asked with a laugh. 

“He’s a precious squirrel-human, we have to take turns holding him,” Tony said. 

“Ah. I see you’ve been roped into the ‘squirrel-human’ club,” Laura seemed like she was amused. She looked  _ happy _ . Her attention went back to the kids and Barton in front of the TV. Apparently Barton wasn’t all too bad of a player either. 

“I want a squirrel-human,” he whispered. Tony looked at him for a moment before shifting Nate to his other shoulder and leaned down to rest his head against Winter. Again his  _ metal _ shoulder that most people tried to not pay attention to. It couldn’t be comfortable, but Tony didn’t seem to mind. 

The next hour was spent relaxing on the couch, and Nate decided to wake up around then and go run around. He went to Barton and expected to be played with, too, and Barton abandoned the game on the TV to play with some of Nate’s toys with him. Tony nudged him to take Barton’s position on the game, and then he wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but he knew that he had shot and dropped at least eighty people just this game, and he was counting a higher body count by the second. He felt alright with this form of killing things because it wasn’t wrong, it wasn’t real. He completed the mission, and they had yet to lose a match since he stepped up. He was proud that he could still complete his missions… he really hoped that he would only have to complete missions like this, make-believe ones, in the rest of his life because he didn’t want to hurt real people anymore. 

An hour later, Carol, Jim, and Thor walked into the living room with bags of food. 

“We’ve brought supper, friends!” Thor raised two large bags of food in his hands, and Winter turned back to the screen, having only looked back for a second. He and the kids finished their match before he stood and helped bring in the food. Cooper accepted his own trade of money this time, and he looked very smug when Lila handed him a twenty and Peter handed him a rumpled five. 

“Will Hawkeye be joining us for supper?” Thor asked him as they got the boxes of food from the bags and set them out on the table. There was the typical things that people liked, since the potato soup was typically Tony’s just as the quinoa, spinach, and raspberry salad was for Dr. Banner. Then there was an assortment of different breads and sandwiches cut into halves for the people who sort of grazed, like Thor, Natalia, and himself. There were a bit of both for everyone else. Some people did have preferences, and those were bought in larger quantities, but a bit of everything was ordered. 

“I don’t know,” he told Thor, “but you could ask him. He’s in the living room.” 

Thor left the dining room and Carol tried to hide her dislike for Barton by staying in the kitchen with Jim, but it was still very obvious. She and Jim left for the table, and Peter ran through the kitchen, followed by the other children and Laura. Natalia was holding Nate’s hand as they walked together to the table, and Tony met with him after collecting Dr. Banner. 

“May Hawkeye join us for our meal, Captain Danvers?” Thor asked from the other room. Carol sighed and gave him the ‘green light’ (he was learning all sorts of terms that he would have never used before being around the people in the West Wing). They were joined by Thor and Barton. Vision arrived, but quickly excused himself. Dr. Strange arrived through a portal and took his seat between Dr. Banner and Carol not too long after Vision left. 

Only moments after Vision left, Dr. Banner excused himself from the room as well. He looked at Barton because they had left because he was there, right? That was why they left? He ate a quarter of this sandwich, a bit of that soup, etc. Natalia shoved a half sandwich on his plate and when he looked to her, she resumed eating her own food, ignoring him. He ate the sandwich. It was very good, but he had no idea what it was. He drank the orange soda given to him. 

He knew, logically, that food wouldn’t be taken from him. It had never happened before. But the fear still persisted, so he ate quickly, and he knew some of the others were similar. When he was finished he took over for Laura and fed Nathaniel and tried to get him to not throw things he didn’t like. He thought that Barton could do this, but he also felt a little uncomfortable with the idea, and he had no idea why he would feel that. 

There were all sorts of conversations going on between a lot of people about different things. He tried to keep himself aware of what they were saying, but only reacted to certain keywords. It wasn’t as difficult when he told himself that his existence before this was very similar to a machine. Tony had pointed it out, and so had Natalia, but he hadn’t wanted to think of it -- it was easier to just accept that he was programmed just like FRIDAY was, even though it was drastically different, it made her companionship easier to handle (she could be very loud and very excited over the smallest things). He picked up on a few words, but he listened a bit longer and realized there was no true threat. (He also knew that these people, after months of spending time with him, weren’t likely to throw him out now, but there was still a fear, and he could still be afraid that these people were threats because they were all very powerful and combined he doubted even he could survive a fight with them.) 

It wasn’t too much later when Barton got up and rounded all his children (and Peter) up and hugged them, hugging onto Peter only to pull back a moment later with a look of confusion. They were standing in the dining room doorway. 

“Oh, hi Mr. Barton, I’m Peter.” 

“...Right,” Barton pulled away and kissed Lila and Cooper’s foreheads before hugging Nathaniel to his chest and then handing him back to Laura. “Goodnight guys. Sweet dreams, alright?” 

“You too,” Laura said. They watched him leave, and Laura walked around the table to hand him Nate. “I’m gonna go talk with the older two, can you watch him?” 

“Of course,” Winter held Nate up and let the child play with his hair and ask all sorts of questions, mostly the same ones but just using different words he had learned. 

“So does Mommy look pretty?” 

“She does.” 

“Right. And  _ Laura _ ?” he asked this as if his mother and Laura were different people, but he had likely picked up on the name now that it was said so many times. Laura this, Laura that. Usually, people just knew who was talking to who -- he didn’t understand it, but he was slowly learning that sort of communication. 

“She does, too,” Winter picked up a piece of sourdough and handed it to Nate. He took the piece of bread and started to chew on it. That would keep him busy for now. The people around them started to leave. Natalia grabbed enough trash (food boxes, wrappers, etc) for three people and didn’t come back into the room. Tony had a tablet out and had pulled up whatever it was that he was working on (the ‘not-Iron Legion’ from when they first met) and was adding or taking things out of the plans. He was talking to FRIDAY, Winter now knew, but not verbally. Mentally. It confused him at first, but when it was put into the perspective of how likely it was that Tony wished to speak to his children easier and Tony’s capabilities to actually find a way, it all made sense. He was more curious about what Rogers had meant when he mentioned a HYDRA agent in the building. He couldn’t allow a HYDRA agent anywhere near his friends, his family. No. He would… he would do something really bad to the agent when he caught on to who it was. The witch was a very good guess, and a suspect already, but there were other, more inconspicuous jobs around the Compound that were much easier for HYDRA to infiltrate. 

Once Nate was falling asleep on his shoulder, fingers in his mouth and drool leaking onto Winter’s sweater, he stood up to go put him to bed. He came back down the stairs after tucking Nate into his toddler bed in the small room across the hall from Laura and Natalia’s room and beside the bathroom. He left their suite and went back down the stairs. He passed Laura on his way down. She was running her fingers through Cooper’s hair as he fumed, and Lila came bouncing up the stairs moments later. He continued downstairs but then he heard Tony, Carol, Rhodes, and Natalia talking. 

“...sent the footage to Ross, but he’s not likely to care about that. Are you sure Fury can’t use his weird ass spy-magic to backtrack and pull the stupid pardons off the table. At least get them punished for breaking the contracts they signed?” 

“Fury hasn’t been in contact with me for quite some time. I think that the entire Winter Soldier-thing scared him back into hiding. I doubt he will get back to me now that I’m no longer entirely loyal to him and his ideas. And Ross has enough dirt, but you’re the one holding that,” Natalia said. Tony groaned and he saw the shadows from the kitchen cast from the archway as he started to pace. 

“I can’t just send in a file of all of Ross’ dirty dealings, he could intercept them if anyone knew. I’d have to either personally deliver them to someone I can trust will take his crimes seriously and not be bribed by his money and promise of rank. As for how many people I know that fit into those categories, I don’t have a single one. Best idea, honestly, sending everything with Carol and Rhodey for the next Council meeting and hope that a publicity trial works in our favour and doesn’t manage to somehow give the man excuses. He’s the idiot who wanted them back anyway. Hates them one second, but as soon as America starts disliking his decisions he changes course to suit their desires simply because he wants to be reelected. Fuckin’ prick,” Tony let out a long sigfh and thne deeply inhaled. “Loki refuses to be near Winter, he’s mentioned he doesn’t like him, but we all know that he’s scared. According to Thor and T’Challa, Loki is scared of him, but he wants to crucify the witch so he has even been bribed to appeal to the Council with Strange. The only issue is, well, they would want Winter there, they will want to have an overview of what was so horrible and why, and I don’t want to put him through that.” 

“Why would they need that? She attacked him, why can’t he be left alone? Why does everyone want him in pain?” Natalia asked this, and she sounded angry on his behalf. Extremely upset. He didn’t know how to respond to her care like that. He felt bad for listening in on them, but he wanted to know now. Was it wrong to listen if it was about him? 

“No matter what we put in front of them, they think Winter is a monster. I don’t agree, none of us do, but what they want is what matters. I don’t know how to help him legally. The Accords have a responsibility to protect him and to protect others from him, and almost everyone I know on that board is convinced that Winter’s just waiting to strike.” 

“We can kill her. I’ll take the blame. I’ll go to prison if that’s what they want.” 

“Why are you so upset about this?” Tony asked. He sounded softer now, much like he did after Winter woke up from a nightmare and he was waiting there awake for him. Like he was trying to calm her down, but also not having a good enough footing to truly help her. 

“They forgave me. Why? Why me? I continued to use my skills for things that weren’t always good. He’s a noncombatant. He doesn’t want to fight and this is how they treat him? Because of his past? What about my past? Your past? Carol’s past? We’ve all done questionable things, but the only one who was truly forced into it is Winter and I don’t know why they won’t take that into consideration.” 

“Tasha--” 

“You didn’t see him, Tony… you didn’t see how broken he was. You didn’t see him like I did because he is a pillar of strength. He is the  _ perfect _ assassin, better than me, and he is  _ broken _ . Shattered into more pieces than me, or Clint, or anyone we know. He doesn’t deserve this, he deserves nice things now. He deserves a kind life with people who love him and want to protect him. I want to protect him, and I--” the shadows moved and he knew that Tony was holding Natalia. It seemed like an odd concept to him. A Black Widow hugging someone truly, but then again, from what Natalia had said, she wasn’t any more Black Widow than he was Winter Soldier. He walked down the stairs and ran a hand through his hair. It still wasn’t as long as he wanted it, but it was better, made him realize that this was real. 

“Please don’t get in trouble for me,” Winter said. He really didn’t want anyone else being hurt because of him. They could protect them if they wanted, but he would stop them from hurting themselves even if it hurts him. He was sure they felt similarly about each other, but unlike them, he could truly keep them from doing things if he needed to. It wouldn’t be pleasant for anyone involved, but he still  _ could _ . 

“You heard all that, then?” He nodded to Tony. Yeah, he heard almost all of it. “We aren’t making you recount your trauma for some assholes who will never even get close to understanding what it was that happened. We, none of us, want you to have to do that.” 

“I could… kill her?” 

There was a very long silence. It got to the point that they were staring so he ducked his head down, he didn’t want to see them looking at him like that. Then Tony was in front of him, holding his hands in his own. 

“We will find a way, alright? You don’t need to do anything like that, I promise, you don’t have to fight or do anything like that anymore, and  _ you’re not a monster _ . I feel like you keep trying to prove it to us, but no matter what you do, we, or at least us--” He motioned between him and Natalia “--love you.” 

“I love you too, I think.” 

“C’mon, we’re gonna drink all the eggnog and hope that Vision’ll get more before anyone tries to take our eyes out for it. And we’re watching something happy,” Tony said. He pulled him through the kitchen and beckoned Natalia to follow them. They ended up in the living room. Natalia sat away from them, not nearly as far as usual, which had gone further after the Incident, and they drank all the eggnog in their huge fridge and watched movies all night. Tony finally fell asleep, and Winter wasn’t going to wake him if it killed him. He ran his fingers through Tony’s hair, not sure if it was soothing Tony or if he was doing it to soothe himself. No matter why he was doing it, he would continue until Tony didn’t allow him to anymore. When dawn came, Natalia walked towards him. He stayed to the edge of the couch, a couple feet away from him. 

“I meant what I said, Winter.” 

“So did I.” 

They stared at each other, and he almost thought it was similar to the way he used to eye his victims, the way he taught Widows to assess their threats. They both offered each other a nod before Natalia walked up the stairs and away from him and Tony. He stayed with Tony, holding onto him, not realizing how tight his grip was until Tony’s muscles twitched under his hand. He pulled back and woke Tony up in the process. 

“I’m so sorry.” 

“You didn’t mean to.” Tony waved him back towards him and leaned forward before wrapping the blanket over his shoulders and up against Winter again. “You’re so warm and you smell good….” 

Tony was asleep again, and Winter wasn’t sure whether he should be shocked or thankful. He stared at the bruise peeking out from the sleeve pushed up over his upper arm, the one that was now around his waist. There was a bruise, he knew it would bruise and it would be his fault. What a horrible way to start the day. He didn’t move again, and this time he kept his hands to himself for the most part, only pulling the blanket up when Tony kicked it off and then started to shiver. 

He didn’t know the time it was when Jim and Carol came into the living room. Cooper and the kids ran downstairs. There were only two days until Christmas, since it was now the twenty-third, and he had yet to get people gifts. He didn’t know what he could possibly give them that would amount to anything to them. He didn’t know what to do, how to do it, and he didn’t want to spend Tony’s money either, he wanted to just find a way. He was lost on that front. On the other hand, he was also more alert since a HYDRA agent had apparently snuck into the Compound somehow. 

“Morning,” Jim said, picking up the controller and tossing it in his lap before he locked the wheels and picked himself up to sit on the loveseat. Carol set it aside and sat down beside him. She had coffee in her hands, two mugs and she shared the other with Jim. 

“Morning.” 

“Is he alright?” Jim motioned towards Tony and Winter nodded. At least he thought he was alright. Jim nodded his head once before turning to talk with Carol about what they were planning for Christmas Eve, which was only a day away. He wanted to help in some way, he had been booted from morning kitchen duty since the kids were on Break and that meant they were all up and scrambling for things before the others could wake up. How did they wake up so early when they didn’t have school, but when there was school, they were always so tired? He wondered why that was. 

“What are you thinkin’ about so hard over there?” Carol asked. She successfully startled him from his head, and he looked over at her. 

“What to get everyone for Christmas.” 

“You don’t need to get us anything,” Jim said, almost too quickly to be comfortable. “I mean, you aren’t obligated to get us gifts, especially not this year. This is your first year with your own body, our gift is  _ you _ Snowflake.” 

“That being said, I’m sure we can arrange something if you want to find a way to get things on your own,” Carol said. That seemed more like something he could accept. He still felt almost like a burden, especially after last night when it came out that Natalia would actually risk her freedom and ‘retirement’ on his behalf. He couldn’t have her doing anything like that. He thanked both of them for their input because he was genuinely glad for their care. 

Tony woke up shortly after and got up to get coffee and bring them back croissants. He gladly tore into one, shoving shreds of flaky dough into his mouth like it would be grabbed at any second. He tried to make himself slow down, but he didn’t have to slow down here, and it wouldn’t be taken away either. 

“I have the Sentinels to work on, and I have gifts to finish! You can’t come to the workshop for about two hours, but after that, if I’m not finished then you can have it before Christmas.” Tony kissed his lips then his cheek and left for the workshop, stopping only to pour more coffee in his mug and probably a ton of sugar and milk too. 

Without Tony keeping him there, he folded the blankets they had, the one he was ‘using’ and the other having been around Tony. He set them down on the couch cushion before heading up to his room and into the shower. He was finally comfortable with staying a little longer than necessary under the hot water. Only a few seconds, though, because it was cold if he wasn’t at a certain angle, and he still felt extremely vulnerable while there. He stepped out of the shower and dried off before pulling on sweatpants and a fluffy sweater. He walked into his room, combing out his hair as he took careful steps. He paused a moment later, someone was there. He could hear their breath. 

It wasn’t Tony, it wasn’t Natalia, it wasn’t Jim, Carol, or any of the children. Because they were breathing it also wasn’t Vision. Who was it. He was on guard, and then he was attacked. He snapped his comb and stabbed it just as the blurb of blond tightened a cloth sack around his head. He could fight without his eyes, and he continued to struggle with him. This had to be Rogers, he was the only person this strong who could do this. Unless it was Thor, but why would Thor be doing this? 

He was knocked on his back and just before he got to his feet, about to pull the cloth off from over his head when his arm was  _ ripped _ off. It was a horrible pain that spread through his chest. The most pain he had felt physically since the time James arm was removed in Siberia. He fell back, and only in that second of where he reflexively curled up, he was grabbed and picked up before he went through something that felt like a spider web and landed on cold, hard ground. He pulled the cloth off his head and found himself in a cement room. There were no doors, or at least he couldn’t see any in the darkness. He went around, trying to find some way out. He shouted, but mostly out of the pain spanning up from his shoulder and down into the rest of his body. He had grown used to the gentleness, and this had hurt him more than it should have had he been functioning at optimal capacity. 

“Who are you?” someone asked him. He turned around and zeroed in against the person before launching and grabbing them. The man beneath him struggled, and then he realized who it was. He pushed himself back on his knees. 

“James?” 

“So she caught you, huh? She’s going to use you against Tony now. Against them all. That’s how she got Steve to go after you,” James said. It seemed he knew exactly what was happening while he was left in the dark. He assumed ‘she’ was the HYDRA witch, but he didn’t know why she would have done this now. 

Hours of silence passed by, and he wasn’t sure how long it was before a door, a blinding rectangle of harsh white light, blinded him. Men came into the room and dragged him out. He struggled, but they were in heavy gear, they also had an electric stick that they would shove into his neck or ribs anytime he started struggling too much. He was crying, because he didn’t want this to happen. He couldn’t let this happen now. He couldn’t. 

He was pushed back in the Chair and strapped down. He cringed when there was a tutting sound, like a handler was disappointed with his performance. He didn’t have a handler anymore, though, and he never wanted one again. Not when he had people like Natalia, Laura, and Tony to care for him without needing or forcing his compliance in return. It was the witch, the red witch. 

“Why are you doing this?” 

“Because he deserves to have everyone and every _ thing _ he ever loved to be ripped from him. And how poetic would it be if his boyfriend was the one to murder him?” She smiled, and it horrified him because he couldn’t imagine living if he ever… 

“But  _ why _ ?” he asked. She wanted revenge, that was understandable, but why go through so much trouble? 

“Because  _ I can _ .” 

And then the machine hovering above him sprung to life and he was more afraid than he ever had been before, and that was saying a whole lot compared to the majority of his existence. 

***

There was nothing but his mission. Get in and kill his targets, then he was to deactivate the Asset. It was very simple, and he knew he could do it. He had done most of it before, although he had never been given the order to self terminate before, and it was confusing as to why his newest handler had given him such an order when he had been forbidden by every previous handler to do such a thing. 

His handler had him dressed in tactical gear, and he was armed as usual. He had many knives on him, guns of all sorts, and a variety of other tools at his disposal. He didn’t understand why his handler had removed his arm, but she had said it was necessary, and so he had it in a bag over his shoulder. She was cruel, but everyone else had been too. She patted his hair and told him that she would allow himself to reprieve of death, but he didn’t want to die, and he didn’t want to kill people-- but he didn’t have a choice. He was given a mission, and the Asset must follow the orders of his current handler lest he end up facing harsher punishment in the event of failure. 

It was easy enough to get onto the land. He used all the skill available to slide between the buildings without giving himself away. It seemed that nobody was awake on the land. That made the Asset’s job much easier, but he didn’t want to do the job even if it-- but it was his mission, and he couldn’t disappoint his handler. 

_ Get in and kill the targets. Deactivate the Asset immediately after the mission is complete _ . 

He pushed the sliding glass door open and walked inside. There was a giant evergreen tree covered in colourful trinkets. There were so many boxes piled around it that he had to move even more gingerly here than before when he was avoiding the man cameras to get into the building. Thankfully, his handler had told him that the cameras would see him, but the monitoring AI wouldn’t be able to communicate through the speakers around the compound. His handler had destroyed them for him. She was, for a handler, assisting him more than he had ever been offered before. 

“Winter? Is that you?” someone asked. He turned and saw a child, a teenager if he recalled correctly. Going through the faces of his targets, this wasn’t one of them, but he was to keep this target from danger. He ignored the odd question and shot him with a dart. He caught the boy before he fell and set him on the ground softly to keep the noise down. A moment later, there were more footsteps down the stairs. He found several children running at him, and he stepped back. They stared at him, and one reached up to pull at his uniform. Nobody was allowed to touch the Asset, but he was not to hurt these people, so he grew extremely still. Why were they doing that? What were they doing to him? 

More steps followed down the steps, a woman in a robe followed by another. He scanned their faces, and one of them was a target. He raised his gun to shoot, but before he could, the not-target leaped forward and tackled him. He was caught off guard. Why would she do this? Wasn’t she a HYDRA agent? Wasn’t that why these people were not targets? He wasn’t allowed to be confused, so he tried to stop -- it didn’t help him. 

“What the hell? It’s Winter!” the woman on him said. He hesitated before reaching up and pushing her off of him and standing up. He saw the Widow, a target, and ran forward. The bag with the metal arm clattering to the floor and slipping partially out of its place. 

The Widow was a good fighter, he was surprised that she had such a competent instructor. He had heard that the Black Widows were traitorous and extremely defective, but he found little defects within her stance or with her movements. But he also knew that he was better, and soon, he took the small, half-second opening and jabbed a knife into her side, angle up into her ribcage. He pulled the knife out and kicked her back against the stairs. He looked over her, a boot at the side of her head and dropped the knife to raise his gun but then someone approached him from behind. He took the shot, ready to turn, but he was pushed forward, and his bullet grazed her cheek. 

The Widows, it seemed, had allies that were skilled as well. He turned to find the allies hiding behind the grown woman. He didn’t look over them much more than he had to. It made him sad, but he wasn’t allowed to be sad, so he tried to stop it. 

The Asset was malfunctioning. Perhaps it was a good thing the Asset was to self terminate. He could be broken, and therefore useless. The order made more sense now. 

He still didn’t want to die, though -- but he wasn’t allowed to feel things like that, so he tried to stop. Like the other things, he couldn’t stop it. 

The new person behind him was a robot of some sort, and he was to be incapcitated so he could continue his mission uninterrupted. The man tried to speak with him, saying something that just felt like horribly loud buzzing in his ears. He didn’t like this man, but he didn’t have the option to like him or not, he needed to incapacitate him. The discomfort and pain of the Asset was not pertinent to the status of its mission. The Asset wasn’t a he, why was it thinking it was a human? He -- it -- was a machine. Not a person. The Asset was struck and fell back, but it leaped to its feet and jumped up, twisting and holding a wire to the metal man’s throat and pulling. It should have worked, but the Asset seemed to be malfunctioning more and more the longer it was out of the Chair. He didn’t like the chair -- but the Asset wasn’t a ‘he’ and it wasn’t allowed to feel, so it needed to complete the mission and terminate itself before something jeopardize its perfect (according to his handler, and she couldn’t be lying, why would she lie to it?) record. 

The metal man flung the Asset forward over his shoulders as if it weighed nothing at all. The Asset didn’t know what was wrong, but it wasn’t going to stop. The mission wasn’t over, and the longer it remained incomplete, the more defective the Asset became. 

“Asset!” the Widow said from behind it. The Asset wasn’t aware that the Widow knew of it. How would she know of it unless she was a traitor to HYDRA? It turned and shot, and this time, the bullet hit her in the chest. The Asset turned back only to have a solid metal fist crash into its nose. It stumbled, but it was clearly failing, and it still had seven targets to terminate before it was to--

“Stay with me!” the woman the Asset wasn’t to attack was with the Widow, and she held onto her. The Asset wanted to help, but it didn’t know why. It wasn’t allowed to know why, it should ignore this, but it didn’t want to. 

The Asset wasn’t allowed to want. 

“What the fuck is happening?” a woman from the stairs asked. She was a target, and it shot at her. Unlike the others, she didn’t fight, rather the bullets stopped in front of her and then were sent back at the Asset in a wave of force. The bullets hit it in the chest, but the wounds ached because they were not wounds at all, only bruises from its vest. “Winter? What the hell is-- Holy hell, that’s what happened? Winter look, it’s me, it’s Carol.” 

The Asset didn’t know who Winter was, but it wasn’t named Winter, it’s name was the Asset. His name was the Asset. Him, because it was a ‘him,’ not an ‘it.’ The Asset was confused, because was he an it or a him? Why did these people know the Asset? They weren’t allowed to know about it -- him -- unless they were with his handler. An orange ring opened in the room near the children in the corner of the room. Three men stepped out, and two of them circled the Asset for a moment as the Asset assessed their threats, only one was a target, the other would be a casualty of his fight. He tried to attack, but he was knocked back by green magic. He let himself fall to the ground. No, no, no, no, it wasn’t allowed near magic.  _ He _ wasn’t allowed near magic. No, no, his handler was going to be very upset. But then from his view on the floor, he saw his main target standing behind the men, near the children, through the barrier surrounding him. He stared at the Asset, and it felt horrible. But the Asset wasn’t allowed to feel! 

Why was he malfunctioning like this? What was wrong with him, it, him? He wasn’t sure. It wasn’t sure. He tried to get through the barrier, but it wouldn’t work, nothing was working. Every bullet he shot rebounded and hit him in different places, but he needed through. He needed to terminate his main target even if it killed him. His life was not important as long as the target, Anthony Edward Stark, was eliminated. 

“What’s wrong with him? That’s Winter’s arm, I built that arm!” 

“ _ Soldat _ ,” the Widow said. He looked at her. How was she still alive? “ _ Otchet o sostoyanii _ .” (Status report.)

“H-h… I-it?  _ Nyet _ !  _ Nyet _ ? S-sol -- A-a…?” Something was happening in his head, and the pain was so much that not even the Asset could handle it without grasping at his head. He had to complete his mission. He  _ had _ to. He couldn’t claw at the barrier while he held his head, so he had to choose. He couldn’t choose. He didn’t get to have choices. His handler made those, but she wasn’t there. He couldn’t finish his mission, he couldn’t. 

Self termination. 

That was the answer. It would work. The Asset wouldn’t be punished if the Asset was deactivated. The Asset couldn’t  _ hurt _ if it was deactivated. The Asset made a choice, and pulled a gun from his side and held it to his temple. Self termi--

The gunshot had his ears ringing, his eyes wide. 

He was in pain. So much pain. He was on the ground, on his knees, and his entire body hurt, his head hurt, his hand was burned, something was wrong with him and he couldn’t fix it. 

“W-winter?” 

He looked up from where he was on the ground. Tony was there. He was so relieved to see him, he had thought he’d never see him again. He thought he’d never see anyone but James again, or the witch. Where was she? Why was he on the ground like this? Why did he hurt? He couldn’t stop the tears, and when he finally gave in, his chest only hurt worse. It ached through his lungs, into his sternum where he could feel bruises rapidly forming against the very bone but also healing at the same time. His arm was gone. Where was it? It was taken off, he knew that, it hurt, but where was it? Tony made him that arm. That was  _ his _ arm. 

“What’s going on?” Cooper asked. Winter didn’t realize the kids were there. They were all backed into the corner, and he looked and saw the green barrier swirling around him, orange sparking at places, and then down at his hand. There were bullet shells around him, and there were guns. He had more weapons all over him. He was in tactical gear. He struggled to pull it off. The green barrier dropped and Vision held his ankles down while Natalia held his arm. She was bleeding. Why was she bleeding? 

He hoped more than he had ever hoped before that he hadn’t been the one to cause that. The fact he was surrounded by weapons and was all dressed up for a mission was making him feel sicker and sicker the longer he was awake and aware. 

“Execute me,” he whispered, looking up at Natalia. “ _ I did this _ .  _ Deactivate me _ .” 

“You didn’t do this, Winter,” Natalia said. She was so sure, she sounded like there was no question in her mind. “You’ve been missing for six days. We’ve been holding Christmas off for you. Nate wouldn’t open his presents, so nobody else would either. Not until his Snowflake came home.” 

The fact that they had cared so much about him and yet he had barged in and attacked them, callously and… and he couldn’t really remember it, but the fact that everyone was out like this only made it worse. He wished he could remember it, only to be able to know what pain they owed him. He stopped struggling like he had at first. His panic was calming, and an icy numbness was taking over his entire body. His vision started to blur, and his eyes felt so heavy. He was closing his eyes but trying to keep them open despite this at the same time. He saw orange mandalas around Dr. Strange’s fists and green sparking around his vision before his eyes closed. 

“... vulnerable… witch… suicide… lungs…” He tried to make sense of it all, but he got snippets of words until there were no voices shouting and rambling over each other. It was just a loud ringing in his ears that wouldn’t stop. It drowned him until there was nothing left. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that was sort of evil, leaving everything open like that, but the epilogue is happier, by the end anyway. This was fun, although I feel like the ending was rushed, like very rushed, but also everything is happening so quickly, the short, erratic sentences sort of make sense to me. 
> 
> Anyway, it was a nice journey, and I thank and adore all the comments so far. 
> 
> Await a cute, fluffy epilogue next chapter or else you might be disappointed (highly probable) with this as the ending. I'm not tagging it with 'happy ending' simply because this is *technically* the end of the story, and it's not happy, although the end-end is happier if not a bit domestic and repetitive, but I thought it was cute, so it's staying.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The destruction in the end still manages to blossom into a beautiful beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is the end. I hope you like it.

There was nothing but his mission. Get in and kill his targets, then he was to deactivate the Asset. It was very simple, and he knew he could do it. He had done most of it before, although he had never been given the order to self terminate before, and it was confusing as to why his newest handler had given him such an order when he had been forbidden by every previous handler to do such a thing. 

His handler had him dressed in tactical gear, and he was armed as usual. He had many knives on him, guns of all sorts, and a variety of other tools at his disposal. He didn’t understand why his handler had removed his arm, but she had said it was necessary, and so he had it in a bag over his shoulder. She was cruel, but everyone else had been too. She patted his hair and told him that she would allow himself to reprieve of death, but he didn’t want to die, and he didn’t want to kill people-- but he didn’t have a choice. He was given a mission, and the Asset must follow the orders of his current handler lest he end up facing harsher punishment in the event of failure. 

It was easy enough to get onto the land. He used all the skill available to slide between the buildings without giving himself away. It seemed that nobody was awake on the land. That made the Asset’s job much easier, but he didn’t want to do the job even if it-- but it was his mission, and he couldn’t disappoint his handler. 

_ Get in and kill the targets. Deactivate the Asset immediately after the mission is complete _ . 

He pushed the sliding glass door open and walked inside. There was a giant evergreen tree covered in colourful trinkets. There were so many boxes piled around it that he had to move even more gingerly here than before when he was avoiding the man cameras to get into the building. Thankfully, his handler had told him that the cameras would see him, but the monitoring AI wouldn’t be able to communicate through the speakers around the compound. His handler had destroyed them for him. She was, for a handler, assisting him more than he had ever been offered before. 

“Winter? Is that you?” someone asked. He turned and saw a child, a teenager if he recalled correctly. Going through the faces of his targets, this wasn’t one of them, but he was to keep this target from danger. He ignored the odd question and shot him with a dart. He caught the boy before he fell and set him on the ground softly to keep the noise down. A moment later, there were more footsteps down the stairs. He found several children running at him, and he stepped back. They stared at him, and one reached up to pull at his uniform. Nobody was allowed to touch the Asset, but he was not to hurt these people, so he grew extremely still. Why were they doing that? What were they doing to him? 

More steps followed down the steps, a woman in a robe followed by another. He scanned their faces, and one of them was a target. He raised his gun to shoot, but before he could, the not-target leaped forward and tackled him. He was caught off guard. Why would she do this? Wasn’t she a HYDRA agent? Wasn’t that why these people were not targets? He wasn’t allowed to be confused, so he tried to stop -- it didn’t help him. 

“What the hell? It’s Winter!” the woman on him said. He hesitated before reaching up and pushing her off of him and standing up. He saw the Widow, a target, and ran forward. The bag with the metal arm clattering to the floor and slipping partially out of its place. 

The Widow was a good fighter, he was surprised that she had such a competent instructor. He had heard that the Black Widows were traitorous and extremely defective, but he found little defects within her stance or with her movements. But he also knew that he was better, and soon, he took the small, half-second opening and jabbed a knife into her side, angle up into her ribcage. He pulled the knife out and kicked her back against the stairs. He looked over her, a boot at the side of her head and dropped the knife to raise his gun but then someone approached him from behind. He took the shot, ready to turn, but he was pushed forward, and his bullet grazed her cheek. 

The Widows, it seemed, had allies that were skilled as well. He turned to find the allies hiding behind the grown woman. He didn’t look over them much more than he had to. It made him sad, but he wasn’t allowed to be sad, so he tried to stop it. 

The Asset was malfunctioning. Perhaps it was a good thing the Asset was to self terminate. He could be broken, and therefore useless. The order made more sense now. 

He still didn’t want to die, though -- but he wasn’t allowed to feel things like that, so he tried to stop. Like the other things, he couldn’t stop it. 

The new person behind him was a robot of some sort, and he was to be incapcitated so he could continue his mission uninterrupted. The man tried to speak with him, saying something that just felt like horribly loud buzzing in his ears. He didn’t like this man, but he didn’t have the option to like him or not, he needed to incapacitate him. The discomfort and pain of the Asset was not pertinent to the status of its mission. The Asset wasn’t a he, why was it thinking it was a human? He -- it -- was a machine. Not a person. The Asset was struck and fell back, but it leaped to its feet and jumped up, twisting and holding a wire to the metal man’s throat and pulling. It should have worked, but the Asset seemed to be malfunctioning more and more the longer it was out of the Chair. He didn’t like the chair -- but the Asset wasn’t a ‘he’ and it wasn’t allowed to feel, so it needed to complete the mission and terminate itself before something jeopardize its perfect (according to his handler, and she couldn’t be lying, why would she lie to it?) record. 

The metal man flung the Asset forward over his shoulders as if it weighed nothing at all. The Asset didn’t know what was wrong, but it wasn’t going to stop. The mission wasn’t over, and the longer it remained incomplete, the more defective the Asset became. 

“Asset!” the Widow said from behind it. The Asset wasn’t aware that the Widow knew of it. How would she know of it unless she was a traitor to HYDRA? It turned and shot, and this time, the bullet hit her in the chest. The Asset turned back only to have a solid metal fist crash into its nose. It stumbled, but it was clearly failing, and it still had seven targets to terminate before it was to--

“Stay with me!” the woman the Asset wasn’t to attack was with the Widow, and she held onto her. The Asset wanted to help, but it didn’t know why. It wasn’t allowed to know why, it should ignore this, but it didn’t want to. 

The Asset wasn’t allowed to want. 

“What the fuck is happening?” a woman from the stairs asked. She was a target, and it shot at her. Unlike the others, she didn’t fight, rather the bullets stopped in front of her and then were sent back at the Asset in a wave of force. The bullets hit it in the chest, but the wounds ached because they were not wounds at all, only bruises from its vest. “Winter? What the hell is-- Holy hell, that’s what happened? Winter look, it’s me, it’s Carol.” 

The Asset didn’t know who Winter was, but it wasn’t named Winter, it’s name was the Asset. His name was the Asset. Him, because it was a ‘him,’ not an ‘it.’ The Asset was confused, because was he an it or a him? Why did these people know the Asset? They weren’t allowed to know about it -- him -- unless they were with his handler. An orange ring opened in the room near the children in the corner of the room. Three men stepped out, and two of them circled the Asset for a moment as the Asset assessed their threats, only one was a target, the other would be a casualty of his fight. He tried to attack, but he was knocked back by green magic. He let himself fall to the ground. No, no, no, no, it wasn’t allowed near magic.  _ He _ wasn’t allowed near magic. No, no, his handler was going to be very upset. But then from his view on the floor, he saw his main target standing behind the men, near the children, through the barrier surrounding him. He stared at the Asset, and it felt horrible. But the Asset wasn’t allowed to feel! 

Why was he malfunctioning like this? What was wrong with him, it, him? He wasn’t sure. It wasn’t sure. He tried to get through the barrier, but it wouldn’t work, nothing was working. Every bullet he shot rebounded and hit him in different places, but he needed through. He needed to terminate his main target even if it killed him. His life was not important as long as the target, Anthony Edward Stark, was eliminated. 

“What’s wrong with him? That’s Winter’s arm, I built that arm!” 

“ _ Soldat _ ,” the Widow said. He looked at her. How was she still alive? “ _ Otchet o sostoyanii _ .” (Status report.)

“H-h… I-it?  _ Nyet _ !  _ Nyet _ ? S-sol -- A-a…?” Something was happening in his head, and the pain was so much that not even the Asset could handle it without grasping at his head. He had to complete his mission. He  _ had _ to. He couldn’t claw at the barrier while he held his head, so he had to choose. He couldn’t choose. He didn’t get to have choices. His handler made those, but she wasn’t there. He couldn’t finish his mission, he couldn’t. 

Self termination. 

That was the answer. It would work. The Asset wouldn’t be punished if the Asset was deactivated. The Asset couldn’t  _ hurt _ if it was deactivated. The Asset made a choice, and pulled a gun from his side and held it to his temple. Self termi--

The gunshot had his ears ringing, his eyes wide. 

He was in pain. So much pain. He was on the ground, on his knees, and his entire body hurt, his head hurt, his hand was burned, something was wrong with him and he couldn’t fix it. 

“W-winter?” 

He looked up from where he was on the ground. Tony was there. He was so relieved to see him, he had thought he’d never see him again. He thought he’d never see anyone but James again, or the witch. Where was she? Why was he on the ground like this? Why did he hurt? He couldn’t stop the tears, and when he finally gave in, his chest only hurt worse. It ached through his lungs, into his sternum where he could feel bruises rapidly forming against the very bone but also healing at the same time. His arm was gone. Where was it? It was taken off, he knew that, it hurt, but where was it? Tony made him that arm. That was  _ his _ arm. 

“What’s going on?” Cooper asked. Winter didn’t realize the kids were there. They were all backed into the corner, and he looked and saw the green barrier swirling around him, orange sparking at places, and then down at his hand. There were bullet shells around him, and there were guns. He had more weapons all over him. He was in tactical gear. He struggled to pull it off. The green barrier dropped and Vision held his ankles down while Natalia held his arm. She was bleeding. Why was she bleeding? 

He hoped more than he had ever hoped before that he hadn’t been the one to cause that. The fact he was surrounded by weapons and was all dressed up for a mission was making him feel sicker and sicker the longer he was awake and aware. 

“Execute me,” he whispered, looking up at Natalia. “ _ I did this _ .  _ Deactivate me _ .” 

“You didn’t do this, Winter,” Natalia said. She was so sure, she sounded like there was no question in her mind. “You’ve been missing for six days. We’ve been holding Christmas off for you. Nate wouldn’t open his presents, so nobody else would either. Not until his Snowflake came home.” 

The fact that they had cared so much about him and yet he had barged in and attacked them, callously and… and he couldn’t really remember it, but the fact that everyone was out like this only made it worse. He wished he could remember it, only to be able to know what pain they owed him. He stopped struggling like he had at first. His panic was calming, and an icy numbness was taking over his entire body. His vision started to blur, and his eyes felt so heavy. He was closing his eyes but trying to keep them open despite this at the same time. He saw orange mandalas around Dr. Strange’s fists and green sparking around his vision before his eyes closed. 

“... vulnerable… witch… suicide… lungs…” He tried to make sense of it all, but he got snippets of words until there were no voices shouting and rambling over each other. It was just a loud ringing in his ears that wouldn’t stop. It drowned him until there was nothing left. 

***

“--and then he tried to kill himself!” Cooper was on the stand, in a small suit. Winter wasn’t being tried for this, he was a witness waiting in the many rows of seats. Cooper was allowed off the stand, and he quickly walked back towards where Laura, Natalia, Nate, Lila, Cooper, Peter, and May were all sitting. They were sitting two rows away from him, in front, but he could see Natalia’s ears twitch with every small sound of movement. It was horrible to know that once again, he caused this. 

Lawyers spoke, and Winter had firmly settled into his seat, away from everyone else, where he could take up as little space as possible and be as noticeable as worm twenty feet beneath ground level. He didn’t want to be there, but this hadn’t been on his behalf. He was already cleared, after recounting vicious tales of his past torture, what he had seen in his magically induced hallucination, and with all the testimonies about how well he had been doing until he was taken. He had been a well behaved citizen for almost a year, but they tried to use it all against him. They had claimed he was a spy, he was an agent, and that he could use his training to make everyone believe exactly what he wanted them to. He had wanted to be sent to the superhuman supermax facility. If he stayed with everyone any longer, he didn’t know if he could even continue watching them flinch or cringe and move away. He didn’t want to be near them because what if this happened again? 

Wanda had been locked up in huge, black, shackles glowing with a variety of different runes, carvings, and spells courtesy of both Loki and Dr. Strange, but mostly Dr. Strange since Loki still didn’t want to help or be near him for more than he had to be. The jury was sent to decide their vote, and came back within twenty minutes. He assumed it was a good thing because people in the crowd started to whisper until it was once again silent. 

“... we find the defendant, Wanda Django Maximoff, guilty,” the speaker said at least seven times to different counts of legal things that he couldn’t really decipher other than ‘attempted homicide’ followed by magical words that were mispronounced if Dr. Strange flinching everytime they said a mangled word was anything to go by. They were all released, all but Maximoff. She was sentenced to stay in the superhuman supermax for quite a while, a lifetime without any chance of getting out, no parole, just silent, bound torture. He wanted to see her suffer for at least fifty years, but he didn’t give her ten before she either offed herself or found a way to break out. In fact, the Rogues in general were persecuted for their behaviour, and Winter wanted to thank everyone because they had done wrong, but then again, so had he, but he wasn’t being punished for it. 

Later, he visited Dr. Banner for information. 

“Can I voluntarily stay in the supermax facility?” he asked Dr. Banner seeing as he was the smartest person that he hadn’t personally attacked that he knew. Dr. Banner looked at him for a moment and then offered a small smile. He sat down, pulling him onto a seat in his office, and stared through him. After moments of observing him, and after Winter felt thoroughly stripped, Dr. Banner took off his glasses and rubbed his temples for a moment. 

“You can’t, but we have a place here that you might be able to stay at. It’s probably more secure, even. Would you like that?” He was relieved when this was Dr. Banner’s answer because finally someone understood that he needed one of two things: confinement or termination. He didn’t know why they weren’t letting him be thrown away, why they wouldn’t lock him up, he deserved it. They said things like ‘it wasn’t your fault’ and ‘she was in your head’ and all those words did was make him feel even less worthy of their devotion. 

Dr. Banner locked him in the Hulk Playroom. It was a giant glass ‘fish bowl’ that had been upgraded with a sheet and a small, shielded section with a toilet and sink. He could live there. He had lived in worse, and this was what he got anyway. 

He could understand that they felt bad for him, pitied him, but their safety was on the line, and he couldn’t understand, no matter how hard he tried, why they wouldn’t let him take the blame for it. He  _ did _ do it. And no matter how many times he admitted to it, he would get the same responses, all telling him it wasn’t his fault. He never asked if it was his fault, he asked if he had done it, which he did. He wasn’t cut out for this whole ‘person’ or ‘good life’ thing anyway, he knew this would happen eventually, he was just sad to see it happen when so many people wanted joy. He brought pain, he always did. 

After almost a year of living as a person, he realized that it was selfish for him to want it because now he just mentally (and physically in Natalia’s case) scarred people he had grown to love. He realized that after two days living in the fish bowl, Nate had been sitting outside the door crying for hours. He learned this when Laura walked in with a tear-stained, exhausted toddler in her arms. She sat outside the cage and stared at him. They lingered in silence for a long time, it seemed like too long, but once she started speaking, it seemed too brief. 

“Do you want to know why everyone’s flinching around you? Why Tasha’s twitching? Or why Tony hasn’t come up from the workshop?” He was sure that he already knew the reasons, but he stayed silent. She continued with, “Tasha’s version of the super serum ramped up her senses with her near-death experience, and Tony’s been building Sentinels for days without pause. Do you know why he’s doing that?” Once again, he didn’t really want to know, but he didn’t stop her. “Because he’s scared that something will happen again. Something--” 

“Why do you keep me here? Why do you allow me to live here with you after everything? I’ve hurt you, personally, I almost killed Natalia, I’ve done horrible,  _ horrible _ things and all you’ve done has been kind and I don’t know how to react to it. I don’t understand what’s happening. I just… I don’t know why you won’t get rid of me before I become a threat. It’s the smartest course of action--” 

“He’s scared something’s going to happen  _ to you _ .” 

“What?” 

“The witch took out FRIDAY  _ before _ she let out the Winter Soldier, but everything else was caught. She took Barnes and used him against Rogers to force him to bring you to her. He took you to her and she gave him James. They were in Montana after you the Winter Soldier was neutralized, they hadn’t warned anyone, they just left. Not only did they do that after assisting in capturing you, but they had been planning this for weeks, they had everything set in Montana for them -- which was a violation of their pardons keeping them in the state for another few months. I don’t know where Wilson went, and nobody can find him, not even Tony or Vision. There is like there’s no trace of him, and Lang was picked up and taken to jail and then tried after being caught trying to steal a car to get to California. Clint--  _ Barton _ , stayed in their wing like nothing was wrong. He didn’t stop anything, and he didn’t help, he just let it all happen and tried to claim he was innocent for not doing anything at all.” 

“Oh.” 

“‘Oh’ is right. She had you for a few hours with James before she let him out, but we couldn’t find the location until a few weeks after you were detained by the Council. It was an abandoned HYDRA base, but I’m sure you probably guessed that already. The cameras there, found by FRIDAY and Tony by the way, recorded you being strapped to a chair and… and tortured for five full days before you gave up and went entirely for a magical takeover. You suffered for five  _ full days _ . That’s  _ one hundred and twenty hours _ you spent being tortured via every method that they could manage without letting up the electrical pulses fired directly to your brain -- and then you still didn’t break until she manually went into your head, and  _ broke  _ you.” 

“What if it happens again?” 

“It won’t, but in the event that it does, Tony’s creating the Sentinels, and has Dr. Strange helping on so many magical wards around the entirety of the Compound that nobody with magic that hasn’t been keyed in by Dr. Strange himself will be allowed on the land. Those Sentinels are walking tanks with a different kill switch that only Tony knows, they’re all different apparently and I can’t figure out how he can tell the difference because they all look the same to me, but there are fifty of them, and fifteen are going to be stationed around the perimeter unless an absolute emergency calls for their aid.” 

“What about the kids?” 

“I don’t think Nate understands anything beside the fact that his Snowflake was missing and then he was back and acting strange, and then he left again, and then wouldn’t play with him. Cooper and Lila are reacting differently, but the only person who’s angry with you is Loki.” 

“What did I do to Loki?” 

“Your will almost smashed his shields.” 

“I didn’t know that was a thing,” he said. He honestly had no idea how magic worked beyond the fact it was dangerous and something uncontrollable to him, therefore a threat. He didn’t really care too much about Loki’s opinion, they didn’t really interact much anyway, but the kids? Natalia? Tony? Vision? Carol? Jim? Everyone? Laura herself? 

“So, you can stay here and let us suffer because we’ve now lost you  _ twice _ , or you can come upstairs with us, and sleep in your actual bed, or even on the futon in the workshop.” 

He thought over his options. He didn’t want anyone to suffer, but he was dangerous-- she made a point, but if Natalia was going to allow him anywhere near her pseudo-children then maybe she really didn’t hate him even more. Or at all. He really didn’t understand her, even more so than everyone else, despite feeling like he should understand her the most. They had been in similar positions, not the same but similar, and shared a certain bond that way, but their entire outlook on life other than threat assessments and weapons seemed entirely different. 

Nathan held onto his sweater and cried on him until he fell asleep as soon as he woke up from his nap. He felt guilty and stupid and a variety of other unpleasant things, but that wasn’t entirely uncommon. He spent the next week almost entirely with Laura and Nate, too terrified to go near anyone else. Cooper glared at him once, and Lila hadn’t stayed in the room with him since the incident, but he wasn’t angry about it. He wasn’t upset by it. He just felt horrible for making them uncomfortable in their home. 

He heard that Christmas had been rather horrible and he had to agree, even if it was all because of him. Laura wouldn’t let him apologize, and Nate was hellbent on making sure he knew that he was still friends with all his outside stuffed animals just as he was friends with the inside plushies. He even gave Winter a gift for Christmas: the most wonderful drawing of squirrels, or what he was told were squirrels. They were the most precious, squiggly orange and brown lines he could ever want. Due to the whole ordeal, he knew it would take a long time for everyone to even out, and he was fine with waiting, he was fine if they never forgave him at all, someone had to realize he wasn’t what they told him he was. He wasn’t a victim, he was a threat to their lives, but after six months of living with them, things started to thaw. Another six months and he was given an arm from a mostly elusive Tony. Tasha oversaw the installment via Dr. Banner and then took him out to get tea and croissants because that day had been harder than most. 

Two years of living with everyone again, after almost three full years of living with everyone in the West Wing, Tony started visiting more, coming up when he was around and so forth. Jim and Carol had forgiven him almost easier than it seemed Laura had, which shocked him. 

Then, he was at a wedding, and he was just stunned by how different his life had become in a rather short time considering his rather long life. 

“You may now kiss the bride,” Tony said because apparently it took twenty minutes and internet access to become someone to verify the whole wedding thing. He still didn’t understand it, why did people need rings and cake to know that they were together forever? Despite not fully understanding the concept, Nate held onto his hand the entire ceremony despite being six. Apparently he was more attached to his Snowflake, but mostly because he wanted to keep his Snowflake safe. It was an adorable sentiment that he also didn’t understand, but he was a child and he had learned that their logic didn’t always make sense. Actually, it typically didn’t make sense to anyone who wasn’t a child, too. 

***

“You know, I really meant it,” Tony said one day three years and four months since he got his own body later. Winter had no idea what he had been talking about, but he knew Tony would tell him. Instead of immediately speaking, Tony remained quiet. He felt like whatever relationship he had with Tony had sort of crashed. Which he understood entirely, he had tried to kill him, and then he tried to kill himself in front of him, and either way, he failed (and he was still debating whether his continued existence was a good thing or a bad thing). 

“What did you mean?” 

“When I said I love you, I meant it. Just an F-Y-I.” 

“I meant it too… but then I tried to kill--” 

“And then I isolated myself from you and fucked things up, I know.” 

“That’s not what I was going to say at all,” Winter said, entirely honest. Is that how he sounded to Tony? To everyone else? Like he hated himself and his entire being meant nothing in the scheme of their lives because they just weren’t important enough? He really didn’t like it when Tony said things like that, because he wouldn’t wish his own self hatred on anyone other than some of the Rogues, one of which was murdered in an entirely normal prison due to his lack of enhancements (James). 

“Oh, well, it’s not untrue though.” 

“It is untrue. You didn’t ‘fuck’ anything up, I literally tried to murder you and when I couldn’t, I turned a gun to my head, so I think you were entirely allowed to need some time to yourself. As much time as you need, present tense. But no, I’m just surprised after everything you still,  _ ya know _ .” 

“Wanna try things again then?” 

“If you’d be comfortable, then absolutely.” 

“Cool,” Tony said, inspecting the screwdriver in his hand for far too long to be normal. He set it down and turned to look at him. “Also, I may have bought cotton candy ice cream and it should be dark outside, just if you wanted to…” 

“Eat ice cream and talk existentialism? I’d like that.” 

Forty minutes later they were on the roof, in the same place Winter had grown used to sitting due to the vantage and safety the area provided, and were eating ice cream. 

“You know, something’s out there. I know it,” Tony said, looking up at the stars for one second before looking back down. “I don’t know what it is, but I know it’s out there, and it’s going to ruin the world.” 

“Why do you say that?” 

“I saw it, sort of.” Tony poked at his ice cream before setting the quart down on the ground. “But on the subject of philosophy, I think I understand how being powerless feels… can we have a little ‘honest report’ session?” 

“Of course.” 

“My boyfriend went missing the day before Christmas Eve, was tortured and then sent out to kill everyone he loved and all I could do was stand there and watch him try to find a way out. And then I stayed in my workshop for two years trying to talk myself up to try and make sure he knew that I don’t hold it against him. I get that he feels that he did it, and he did, but I also know that he tried to shoot himself to get out of it. And then I just… I just left him. I watched him deteriorate and I didn’t know how to approach him at all, so I just left him alone and suffering. I think you might know how that feels, at least a little bit?” 

“Yeah, I tried to kill my boyfriend and then tried to kill myself to end my mission after being tortured by a crazy witch who hated him, and then I pulled away from everyone in an attempt to keep them safe but only managed to isolate myself further and become almost entirely unapproachable because I didn’t think anyone really wanted to be around me no matter how much I was proved wrong day after day because I’m a stubborn bastard.” Winter pushed the empty quart of ice cream away from him. “But I also know that a few years is quicker than I expected considering my actions, and I want him to know something extremely important.” 

“What’s that?” 

“When I said I love you, I meant it. And I still mean it, because I love you, too.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There won't be any sequels, per se, but I will probably write a few one-offs of Winter growing as a person even more than he managed. Maybe moments that weren't shown, but I'm not sure how long it'll take for that. 
> 
> It's been super fun, and thank you everyone for reading, enjoying, commenting, and/or giving kudos.

**Author's Note:**

> Winter's like a little puppy with a need for hugs. It's adorable, and it's different that what I've seen. Winter is usually a badass, he is in both of my other fanfics, but what if he was just confused and wanted to have a life with people that he cares about and who care about him? He doesn't want to fight anymore. I'm going to try and keep him all soft and anti-fighting the entire time, unlike in the other fics of mine where he goes back to killing people and stuff. He's a soft boi (is that how you use that term? I honestly don't know). 
> 
> Thanks for reading. C:


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